Done & Dusted

Well part two of the “plan” has been done and dusted.  HSG over 🙂  what no-one could have prepared me for is the fact that I would run with open arms to Dr Google (fickle tart that I am) and get myself all worked up about what looked normal and what my pictures looked like. 

I stressed myself out cos I could not see my fallopian tubes on the stoopid pictures, and had a bit of an “Aha” moment after my self diagnosis… I mean if my tubes are blocked that would be a pretty good reason for my infertility right?  Right?  What the heck is WRONG with me?  I mean my real life Dr studied for years to be able to interpret the pictures and I think on my first shot that I know what the deal is? Haha, it is actually a comedy of errors.

 So now instead of being stressed out, I am putting my self diagnosis behind me, looking forward to the next step of the plan which is my follow up apppoinment to discuss ALL our results (millions of bloods, semen analysis, HSG etc etc).  I have more faith in my real life doc than Dr Google anyway, cos he has a nice smile and Dr Google, well doesn’t 😉

Hee Hee…

Here is a little something to make you giggle, received this from a friend via email, made me chuckle.  Oneliners on women’s t-shirts:

• Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
• I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you’re next.
• Please don’t make me kill you.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.
• I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name — you’ll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me.
• Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I don’t look busy – I did it right the first time!
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
• You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
• Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
• I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Have a fabulous day dear hearts! 🙂

I *heart* words

I have always had a secret desire to write a book (yes, I know!!!) and have to admit that I have a shameless love affair with and of words.  

I love talking them, reading them, spelling them, playing around with them, heck, I just love them to bits and pieces.  In fact I think I love them so much because I am as good with words as I am shocking with numbers (now don’t get me wrong I think numbers are all right – as long as I interact with them on xcel or on a calculator 😉 – but lordy don’t ask me to work out those pesky things in my head cos for sure I will get it wrong! ) but words are the coolest of the cool.

 There are so many ways to express what one feels – and so many words that we use on a daily basis can have several meanings depending on how you construct them and use them grammatically.  And there is nothing quite like using a word to express a feeling or situation… And I am finding more and more that my love of words is not necessarily limited to the English language.  This love is expanded to slang, Afrikaans and African words as well.  A well timed ‘Eish’, ‘Jislaaik’, ‘Haibo’ or ‘I’m the moering’ is just not the same as the English equivalent… which would be something like ‘Yikes’, ‘Gosh’, ‘Oh My’ or ‘I’m very, very cross’.   😉

Yes folks I just love words! 

*Sigh* Maybe one day I will write that book, but for now I’ll happily continue with my love affair from the safety of my laptop keyboard and dream of the day when my words inspire a love affair for someone else…

Thanks Homies

To the wonderful homies who gave Florine my directions – thanks!  She has been visiting since Saturday (2 days ahead of schedule 🙂 )and has been banging around the house non stop.  Thanks for not mentioning how painful her stay would actually be by the way!

So you know what that means!  HSG around the corner, follow up appointment around that corner and the plan to create the Clam around that corner!  Easy peasy!

What I have learnt…

There are many variations of this post that have been written by other wonderful women all over the world, having recently read a post along these lines, I decided to do my own version of it as well.  Please note that the items listed below are all personal to my infertility journey and any resemblance to previous posts is entirely co-incidental…

I never thought I would say this, but infertility has taught me a lot.  It has taught me stuff about myself, about my marriage, about my friends and about my faith.  Here are some of the things infertility has taught me…

• That my Father in Heaven loves me, and that He always fulfils His promises to us.  In HIS time, not ours
• That although my body does not work the way I want it to, I still have to learn to love it
• That I am stronger than I think
• That I would still have enough blood left in my body to sustain my life after having millions of blood draws done
• That my husband is a good man who loves me despite my faults
• That I love my husband more and more despite his faults
• That our family is there for us – even if it means not asking “those” questions cos they can see we are hurting
• That I would be able to inject myself with hormones willingly
• That my friends would all have families before me and not with me
• That I would meet wonderful strong amazing women through an infertility forum and be lucky enough to count them as my friends
• That I would be excited at the prospect of having a period cos it would mean hope for me
• That I would be obsessed by my cervical fluid and cervical position not just once a day, but several times a day
• That I would take my temperature and be able to read it off while still technically asleep
• That I would be afraid to make love with my husband cos I wouldn’t want him to feel like he was pressured to perform
• That I would allow the point above to effect our sex life so much
• That I would cry an ocean of tears and still have enough left for the next round
• That giving up wine is actually not as difficult as I thought it would be
• That as much as I try to keep my mind focused on other things, having a baby to complete my family is never far from any thought or focus I can come up with
• That I would be able to look at the scan screen and *know* what I was looking at
• That my marriage is stronger than outsiders may think – we are working through this journey right, we can take on the world as long as we work together
• That money is just money when it comes to realising this dream
• That I will consider getting into debt to realise this dream (yikes!)
• That if I don’t try absolutely everything I possibly can to make this dream a reality that I will ALWAYS think to myself “What if?”
• That I would find golf and actually LOVE it (when it does not frustrate the hell out of me 😉 )
• That I would sit here typing this out with literally hundreds of things I have learnt coming to mind
• That reflexology hurts sometimes and that sometimes it is simply divine
• That I really want to walk into the fertility clinic reception and say Hi really loudly to everyone sitting there, just because no-one else does it *evil giggle*
• That I would tell anyone who is really interested about our journey in the hope that it may help them
• That my reading material would shift from Jodi Picoult, Nora Roberts, John Grisham and the like to Fertility books written by *gasp* doctors
• That I am not alone in this journey – in fact I have learnt that there are more people walking this road than I can ever realise
• That I would begrudge fertile people their pregnancies achieved so easily
• That it would be incredibly hard for me to be around pregnant people and people with babies
• That so many people think that “just relaxing” or adopting will help me ovulate and therefore fall pregnant

And most of all I have learnt this:

• THAT I WILL HAVE A FAMILY! NO MATTER WHAT 🙂

Come on Florine

Everybody join in – Come on Florine *sung to the tune of “Come on Eileen”*

I must be allowed a little bit of poetic licence here peeps, cos today is my last day of popping those little blue pills (*winks* nope not Viagra) which are supposed to help me shed my extra thick lining in preparation for my HSG xray…  Now being a planner of all things in life (OK most things in life) I have got a neat little plan of “Florine” action going down.  So the last little blue pill will be consumed tonight with dinner, as I have been told I am to expect Florine to arrive within 5 – 7 days so I have invited her to stay from the 25 Feb onwards which means that I can potentially book the HSG for the 3rd March and then have a follow up appointment with the lovely Dr V on the 5th or 6th March.  THEN the proper POA will be established and we can finally head into the treatment infested waters… G.R.E.A.T Plan, no?

Of course this is highly dependant on Florine finding her way to my home on time, anyone in direct contact with her mind reminding her of the plan?  Cos you know, sometimes the fickle cow forgets… 

Monday, Blue Monday…

I feel like I should be sitting in a bluesy jazz club right now, listening to the lament of a red lipped songbird while nursing a drink of hard liquor… “Play it again Sam!”

I am having a blue Monday, mostly because I am feeling really tired today.  Saturday was a flurry of events from dashing to reflex, to rushing to a friend’s birthday lunch (yummy!) to chasing my ass out of my chair to get to a family friend’s afternoon, to do to driving like Schumacher to dinner with the in laws and I think it just caught up with me, I just totally hit the brick wall of a bluesy Monday afternoon and am literally counting the minutes until I can go home.

Think going to gym on my way home will help me stay up for Grey’s and Boston Legal?  Um, maybe not, but I am going to try it out anyway… *YAWN*

Letter to God

I just loved this, it really appealed to my hound loving heart, the innocence of this child and the love of some stranger just made my eyes well up with tears.  God works in mysterious ways my friends!  In appreciation of this email that I was sent, here is a pic of my girls – may my kids love them this much one day!

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

 Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog?  She died yesterday and is with you in heaven.  I miss her very much.  I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her.  She likes to play with balls and to swim.  I am sending a picture of her so when you see her, you will know she is my dog.  I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.  

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbery and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, “To Meredith” in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, “When a Pet Dies.” Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
 

Dear Meredith, 
 

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.

Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I’m easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God

Happy V Day!

It is the day of the year that we are told to show our love and express how far this feeling we have goes to our loved ones… so Happy Valentines Day dear hearts!

I must admit to having cynical tendancies on this day of love, flowers and jewels.  Why should we have to show our love to our partners, friends, parents etc on a specific day?  Surely if you love someone you show them the depth of your feelings in some shape and form on a daily basis?  Now before you naysayers slay me alive, I get the whole tradition, I get the story of St Valentine and how the day came to be what it is today, what I don;t get is why we have to spend money on overpriced flowers, special heart shaped jewelery to prove we love our partners. 

To me, showing my love for my husband means cooking him a special dinner, giving him a back rub, picking up the dog crap for him (normally his job – not my favourite cos of my highly developed sense of smell), hugging him for that extra second and giving him a special love filled tickle while laughing hysterically (this drives him to drink  nuts by the way but I cannot stop doing it – EVER!)… 

I don’t know, call me crazy but I would much rather show my love for him on a consistant basis than show him my love on one day cos some old oke called St Valentine said so…

How do you all feel about it?

The HSG that wasn’t…

For those of you who read this on the Fertilicare forum, apologies for the repost, but I battled technology yesterday and could not get it up yesterday when I wanted it to appear… !#(()^%%%%$^%^&#@#$@#$

Get up before sparrows fart – check
Go to loo to empty bladder – check
Wipe and see blood – oh shit!
Battle traffic to Sandton – check
Tell doc about blood – check
Have quick scan to see why patient has blood – check
Cancel HSG cos endometrium has thickened since last scan – check

Yep, my body has messed me around yet again! HSG was cancelled, I have to take provera to cause a proper bleed and re-schedule the HSG… Funny thing is that my bloods show that my levels are correct to have the HSG but my nether regions are “bleeding” and despite all of this my endometrium thickened by 2 mm?? WTF???

Right about now I am ready to drop kick Murphy to Timbaktu!!!!