Remember the times?

Sian did a post that really touched my heart.  I thought I would do something similar and post some pics of Cliff and I through the years… Enjoy my trip down memory lane 🙂

On honeymoon :)  Check my blonde hair!

On honeymoon 🙂 Check my blonde hair!

2005 - minutes after I'd just done the highest bungee in the world

2005 - minutes after I'd just done the highest bungee in the world

2006 - Canopy Tours for His birthday!  What fun!

2006 - Canopy Tours for His birthday! What fun!

2007 - My birthday after way too much tequila

2007 - My birthday after way too much tequila

2008 - At a friends wedding

2008 - At a friends wedding

Earlier this year!

Earlier this year!

I’m looking forward to making new memories with you my love.  You really are my heart.

Meh…

The three letters above really sum up how I’m feeling of late.  Just… a little off… a little sensitive… just meh…

It’s no secret that I really hate dislike my job and while I can appreciate that it’s not the best time to be looking for another job (that little thing called a global recession and all) I’ve been attacking the job market with a vengeance of late.  In the last three weeks I’ve applied for 48 jobs.  Yes friends, count em, 48 applications.  I had an interview with a really nice company but honestly the package they’re offering is way below what I would realistically consider.  And the other interview that I set up was a complete waste of time – the job was not advertised correctly and it would mean even more long hours and even more time away from home.  Totally not what I’m looking for.

Other than that, I keep getting told “you have a fantastic CV, but you’re not quite what we’re looking for” or “sorry but you’re white, this job is for BEE candidates only” or “you’re WAY too qualified for this job!” or “you’re way too under qualified for this job”.  This is really wearing on me.  I have to be honest.  There is nothing worse than looking for another job firstly during a recession, secondly while you are working a full time job and thirdly when no-one is prepared to give you a proper chance to sell yourself to them.  I mean CV’s are great for an overall round up, but there is no substitute for being able to meet the person offering the job and showing them quite literally what you’re made of in a face to face situation.

The next “meh” item in my life is the state of our fertility plan of action.  Our HLA tests came back “with no contra indications to conception”.  This means that we won’t need to save for IVIG drips after all.  But on the other side of the coin it means that there is no reason other than my PCOS that we’ve not conceived. (yes Geohde, your theory on shitty luck looks like it has serious merit right about now 😉 )  But the thing is this.  I do not want to have another treatment while I’m working where I currently work.  I would hate to finally achieve a pregnancy and find myself stuck in a place where it is fine for your boss to tell you you’re “fucking useless” in front of your junior staff.  I would hate to be stuck in a place where you are told to ignore what is considered blatant fraud cos your boss drinks with his boss every night.  We were planning for a September treatment, which we now need to delay because of the 48 job applications I’ve submitted of late, I’ve no real possibilities on the horizon.

It feels like my life is spiraling out of control.  It feels like I’ve exhausted all my blessings out there.  And while I know that I have a true blessings in my husband, my dogs, my good home and love of friends and family, I still feel like the blessing I long for and desire the most is the one that will elude me forever.

Told you I felt “meh”…

Normalcy?

What is normal? The Oxford dictionary defines it as such:

normal

• adjective 1 conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. 2 technical intersecting a given line or surface at right angles.

• noun 1 the normal state or condition. 2 technical a line at right angles to a given line or surface.

— DERIVATIVES normalcy noun (chiefly N. Amer.) normality noun normally adverb.

Since my encounter with Sharon, I’ve been thinking a LOT about how one constitutes what a “normal” family is… We’ve all got our preconceived ideas of what “normal” is, but I don’t actually believe that there is really such a thing as a “normal” family.

For some a “normal” family was one where there is a mommy and a daddy and two kids who live in a nice house and probably have a dog (or two) or cat (or goldfish, hamsters, rabbits etc) to go along with it. They all smile all the time and love each other dearly. The kids hold each others hands when crossing the road cos they are super close and “normal”. They play happily in the garden throwing balls for the dog that never snaps or yelps cos they’re “normal”. But to me, one should always consider what goes on behind the façade. Behind the exterior picture that we all get to see. Cos sometimes, sometimes not all is as “normal” as we like to think. Mom might get smacked around by Dad every now and then when he’s had too much to drink. Dad might call Mom a whore in front of her kids. Maybe the dog steals food off the kid’s plates. And the kids, well they don’t actually really like each other all that much.

Ok maybe it’s not like that, maybe they do all love each other and Mom and Dad are fine. But Mom has a body image issue and because of that she pushes it onto her young daughter – always reminding her to take care of her figure, to watch what she eats, to exercise regularly, to stay slim and nubile. Dad might not have gone to university and because of that pushes his children to the limit to always produce *the* best grades at school so that they can go where he never did. He kills himself to make sure that he provides for this eventuality – but never gets to spend time with them just shooting the breeze and getting to know them. He missed out on all the “good” stuff.

I’m not knocking any specific family here, but all I’m trying to say is that to me, in my mind, no family is ever “normal”. There will always be *something* that tarnishes the brand of “normal”. Even if sometimes that tarnish is the pressure on the family to look like it is “normal” to everyone else. Talking from personal experience its damn hard work making sure everyone thinks your family is so “normal”.

I know that parents in general do the best they know how.

And I don’t think that most parents do what they do to their kids deliberately. I know many parents who so desperately want to stop the cycle they found themselves in as children so they tend to do everything total opposite to the way they were brought up. But surely there is always going to be *something* that we do to mess our kids up? Some small insecurity that we will place in their hearts or minds without even knowing we’ve done it to them? Some small (or large) action that breaks their hearts? Snapping at them in anger when they don’t really deserve it cos we’re bone tired and frustrated?

Its cos of what I’ve outlined above that I don’t believe there is such thing as a “normal” family.  Also because we each perceive normal in our own way. I recently read a book about a boy who was so severely abused by his mother – she burned him, stabbed him, starved him and worse. It made me sick to my stomach. That is not normal, but while this man was a boy he thought it was normal to be treated like this. Some children think it normal to have parents who shout and swear at each other. Some think that touching and being touched in private places is normal.

The definition of “normal” above does not cut it for me. Cos if one believes that definition it means that there is a litmus test that one should be able to do and compare your “normal” family against the standard. And families and the dynamics that they weave often do not have a standard. What works for one does not necessarily work for another.

What do you consider normal in terms of family? I’m very interested to hear your thoughts on this.

Forced Silence

I feel like a heel – I’ve been pretty much internetless for nearly 2 weeks!!!  And due to this have been on a forced silence…  THAT my dears is suckage of the biggest kind!

It started with my company installing a program called Baracuda which ceased all my blog reading from work internet.  That was fine – I had a solution – I took my own laptop to work daily and used my own internet connection to stay in touch with the internet at large.  Then about 2 weeks ago the security lady at the staff entrance told me taking my laptop into work was an issue.  She was told by our IT department that all laptops had to be approved by them.  I was confused but considering it was a personal PC and that I was paying my own way internet wise I did not forsee an issue…

Boy was I wrong!

Apprently I am a security risk!  I can steal company information by bringing my laptop onto the premises!  I am a threat to their network! Blah blah blah fishpaste.  Asswipes just did not want me reading blogs and writing my genius!!!

Hence my enforced silence. 

I’m trying my best to stay in touch, trying my best to preplan posts to keep my blog alive… all the while I’m desperately looking for a new job where blogs are appreciated and considered worthwhile…

Wish me luck!