The Unexpected Dilemma

When we started our IVF that resulted in Kade, we decided that we would (dependant on the number of eggs retrieved) be fertilizing two eggs with donor sperm as a diagnostic tool. 

Because we were already on our 6th IVF with no real reason as to why it wasn’t working for us, we figured that this way we could compare embryo’s fertilised with Cliff’s sperm vs embryo’s fertilised with a donor and rule out any sperm issues through looking at the embryology as opposed to the normal semen analysis.  

When we went in for our transfer talk, we were pleased to see that whilst our fertilization rate vs donor fertilization rate was lower (for various reasons, my eggs did not like being ICSI’d) our embryo’s were looking just as good, if not better than the donor ones.

We transferred our 3 remaining embryo’s and decided to freeze the donor embryo’s – just in case.

Thankfully we never had to worry about the “just in case” because we were blessed with a BFP at long last.  At the time, with all the bleeding I was experiencing we decided to not make any decisions relating to the donor embies as we were not sure if the pregnancy was going to progress.  Thank God, our son was a survivor and our pregnancy continued healthily.  As we got caught up with the pregnancy, any thought of the frozen donor embies was stored in our memory banks, much like the embies themselves were stored in a freezer at our clinic. 

We got a bill for their storage a little while ago and we were unexpectedly thrown into a bit of a dilemma. 

It’s important to state that we never intended on using the donor embies in the first place.  BUT.  When the bill arrived we were FORCED to now make a concrete decision about them.  And I found myself wondering if we shouldn’t keep them – just in case.

Just.In.Case… Three innocuous little words but words that hold so much impact when put into practical use in one’s life.

Cliff and I chatted and discussed what we should do with these little embryo’s.  They are a part of me after all.  There was so much more that we needed to consider in light of all that has transpired since we froze them.  We needed to factor in that we now know that we *can* achieve a pregnancy out of embryo’s from our own genetics.   We needed to consider that we’re both not getting any younger and needed to seriously consider when (if at all) we would like to try for a second baby.  We needed to explore our hearts and find out if we could ever really use those embryo’s knowing that they were created using half of me and half of another man. 

I am not happy to discard the embryo’s.  

I have always said that I wanted to be an egg donor – but only once I had managed to have a child of my own.  It seems like the best and most practical solution is to put these embryo’s up for adoption.  That way they have the chance at giving someone else the gift of life and parenthood.  And in doing this, I am in a very round about way, fulfilling my dream of being a donor.

I never thought that it would be a decision that I would grapple with the way I did.  I know how much hope these two embryo’s hold and I know that they could potentially change someone’s life in the most amazing and profound way.  But I do feel somewhat sad that we’re letting them go. 

When I look at my son and feel the many ways he has healed me through his very presence I know that we have made the right decision.

I will never forget the darkness that infertility brings.  The sense of hopelessness when faced with a diagnosis you have no idea how to conquer.

So it is with love that we have put our donor embryo’s up for adoption through our awesome clinic. 

I hope that they heal another couple’s hearts and that they are able to bring back the hope and joy that has probably been stolen from the couple that will end up using them. 

Thank you donor embies, for giving us the sense of hope we needed at a time when hope was low.

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Day 5 : From a High Angle

When I get home at night, I normally snuggle with my gorgeous boy and we play on the carpet while I watch “the Wild” on the TV in the background (I know bad mommy)

I took this picture of him while I was standing over him and fell just a little more in love with him than I was 5 minutes before…

 

Day 4 : Something Green

I run several accounts at work and at any given time I have several notes and contact reports going at the same time… this is where my nerd shines tho!  My life is run with HIGHLIGHTERS, I love me a highlighter cos it gives me an overview at any point of what is going on in my work life…

My green highlighter works over time (use it for my biggest client) and I have to replace it often…

Day 3 : Clouds

One of my favourite things to do is to find shapes and pictures in the clouds.  I have spent many a happy hour doing just this whilst lying on a blanket on the grass with friends and family…

Today’s pic is not in any way related to that past time tho… Today’s pic was taken the other night as I took my furry babies out for the night time wee’s… it was a hot night and the moon was SO BRIGHT.  And the light shining from the moon touched these clouds around it ever so slightly so you could just make out that there were clouds gathering with a soft promise of rain… Just beautiful!

Home Alone

Cliff and I are going to a wedding this afternoon. 

Its going to be just beautiful.  But because it’s an afternoon wedding the reception will extend well into the evening we decided that my mom and sister would need to baby sit Kade for us.

The babysitting Kade at our home has somehow morphed into them taking him to my Mom’s house for the night (most likely cos my mom and sister cannot get enough of him and are just relishing the fact that they will now have him ALL to themselves for A WHOLE NIGHT) and whilst I know he’ll be just fine with them, it also leaves me feeling a bit… I don’t know… sad?

It’s a sure sign that my baby who was reliant on ME for everything is growing up.  That his independant streak is maturing.  That I’m no longer his whole world. 

Cliff and I were talking about it last night.  We’re going to be home alone for the first time since 03rd June and it feels downright weird.  Like we’ll be missing a limb or something.  It’s going to be interesting to see how we cope with not having him at home with us tonight, whether we’ll actually be able to sink into a deep sleep and make the most of it, whether we’ll be able to “sleep in” on Saturday or whether we’ll be up at sparrow’s fart on our way to Centurion to fetch our little guy…

I’ve said it many times, this child of mine, he’s changed my life so much in so many ways.  I love him to the moon and back five times over.

Now I’m off to pack everything and the kitchen sink for his first night at Granny’s house… wish us luck!

Day 2 : What you wore today…

I work in a very operational environment, my normal attire is black trousers, a smart top and black peep toe pumps.  Every now and then tho, I girly up and wear some heels (mostly on days when I know I’m gonna be predominently office bound).  Today I’m wearing my mary janes – LOVE them!

 

I’m also not normally a nail polish on my fingers kinda girl, BUT the other day I was doing my toiletry shop and saw that Revlon have got an awesome new line of varnishes – well!  I fell in love and this is what my finger nails are wearing today….

To get back into the swing of things…

I’ve seen some other bloggers have been doing a 30 day photography challenge and whislt I gather it was supposed to start on the 01st November and I’m a few days behind, I figured it would be a great way for me to get back into the swing of things and get some regularity back into this here blog…

SO!

I will be starting the photo challenge somewhat late… so without further ado, here is my Day 1 photo entry – a self portrait 🙂 Why is it that it always takes me a few takes to get one I like – my arm isn’t as steady as I like to think… too much of blurredness! Hahaha!

Attempt # 1 - FAIL

Attempt # 2 - FAIL

Aaaahhhhhh, finally a decent one 🙂