Stressful Week

Holy crapballs, I’ve had a stressful week. 

Work has been so over the top and I’ve been crazy busy and super stressed out.  I’m not going to pull a Dooce and discuss work on my blog and get fired but suffice it say – Holy Crapballs!   We’ve had our internet cut at work due to some hectic viruses that caused a few hard drives to crash (and cos of this we have not been paid yet – yikes!) so my updates are probably going to be sporadic for the next while.

My heart has taken a bit of a beating.  Bad, good, overwhelming, guilt, stress, sadness, happiness and more have been buffering my heart from all angles.  Between the stress of work this week, news that my Dad has got a very rare form of leukemia (not got a lot of details but things are not looking good for him at all, but that’s for another post), my amazing friend getting her miracle baby, my other friend progressing well with a pregnancy that could very well have co-incided with my own should it have been viable, me feeling like a complete failure, being told that a friend’s boyfriend (who admittedly has got many things like this right) believes my next treatment will work 16 weeks after my failed treatment and I’ll end up having a son, being told that another friend dreamed my GIFT worked and I was pregnant with boy/girl twins, my other friend getting a fricking negative, my in-laws being stressed about us and offering to help pay for our GIFT next year and me feeling guilty about accepting their money, admittedly I’m a bit of a mess. 

I’m on the brink of tears all the time and while I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to stay grounded in my faith, truth is I’m floundering.  All I can hope is that next week is way less stressful and that my heart can start to get back to some semblance of normal.  Because I hate feeling like this, I hate being this person, it is so unlike me and somehow, someway I need to find me in all of this.

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The Internal Debate

The last week has really had it’s fair share of ups and downs, thankfully more ups than downs but when the downs have hit, man they’ve hit hard.

During the down times I’ve been doing the whole “why me” thing.  Why did we have to fall on the wrong side of the statistics AGAIN?  Why couldn’t my embies just have held on and gone all the way?  Why do we have to face our 5th big ART treatment in 3 years?  Why does it seem like God is answering everyone else’s prayers and is sidelining mine?  Pity party deluxe.  Makes me want to vomit.  And slap myself silly.

The thing is this.  I am extremely sad that our pregancy was a chemical one.  But I’m also excited that we managed that much.  Cos it’s a hell of a lot more than we’ve ever managed before.  And it DOES bode well for the future.  If it can happen once to have implantation take place it can sure as heck happen again and also may very well go all the way.

I was thinking about how good I’d felt through this last cycle.  About how everything felt like it was falling into place.  If I’m really honest, I knew for those few days that I was “pregnant” that I was “pregnant”.  I really felt the hand of God on me during the whole process.  And I’m understandably a bit confused as to how this could have turned out like this.  How He could have let me feel a little bit of the miracle only for it to not be completely fulfilled.

I thought back to what I had said in the beginning of the cycle.  “Let His will be done”.  I think I did a good job of standing on that statement throughout the treatment.  But now?  Now I’m wobbling on that statement, cos dudes, this “will” sucks.

I do still believe that our miracle is coming.  I just wish I could know the time frame I was looking at.  I know He loves me and I know He feels my pain.  I just really hope that next time round, He say’s Yes to the miracle that we’ve all been asking for.

Brought to you by the Great Blog X Pollination 2009!

Look at all the lovely people who are participating!  Some you may know some you may not.  Read my guest post and then ponder on who you think she might be from the list above.

I’m officially a college student!!!! YEA!  I signed up for my Master’s classes today, school starts January 11th.  I figured that even if there is a positive at the end of this hellish two week wait, my due date won’t be until August 25th (please tell me I’m not the only crazy one that googles due date calculator every. single. cycle.  I should just bookmark it, but then that has to have some sort of bad karma… so I’ll just google, every time I trigger, and be happy with that!)  
 
Last night was first lovonox injection that DIDN’T bruise.  Not even an little.  The injection site is a little sore, but I’d take that any day over the big bruises.  I sent a text message with a picture of them to my mother in law and birthmom, and they were both concerned.  I told them that it was normal, and they said I need to keep the picture, so when my shit-head teenager’s are being horrible, I can remind them what I went through to get them.  Doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
 
Since my husband is still out of town, I’ve had the house to myself.  Can I just say that I really needed him to be gone right now.  Partly because for the last few days I have had wrapping paper, ribbon, and bows all over my living room, dirty dishes in the sink (even worse, a clean load that has been sitting in the dishwasher since Sunday), and my bed isn’t made.  This would never have happened had he not been here, but it’s been nice to just let my guard down, and go take a long bubble bath (lukewarm, for fear I might boil my little one that might be in there), and chat with friends.  I guess I better get my act together tonight though because my mom is flying into town tomorrow.  Not that I feel that she would flip out, but really, who wants their Mom to come to their house in utter disarray, friends it’s fine… but not your Mom!!!
 
I found out last night that my Father in law got himself the Bose I-pod docking station thingey… that was the present we were all going to chip in and get him.  He’s really hard to shop for, because if he sees something he likes, he goes and buys it (case in point: the Bose I pod docking station….).  I told him that was our great idea, and since he ruined it, he’s getting a plant, but even better I think I’ll get him socks and a tie! 🙂  While talking to my birthmom (for those of you reading this on the Pross Collinate, I was adopted as an infant, but have been in contact with my birth mom for about 7 years now, we usually talk 2-3 times a week on the phone), we were discussing Christmas presents.  I told her that I was almost done, and she asked how much we spent.  I can honestly say that we buy presents for EVERYONE (but ourselves) for $300.00.   We even have a separate account that we put money in each month. Maybe it’s part of our “Dave Ramsey get out of debt plan”, (and since we just paid off our student loan… we see results!) That’s 6 parents (his are divorced & remarried), 5 brothers and sisters, a nephew, and an Uncle. I guess that’s why it takes so much time because we have to find something that’s more thoughtful instead of flashy and expensive.  Case in point: my Dad.  He can afford almost anything, buys everything with cash (including his new BMW), and so if he sees something he wants he buys it.  What do you get him for Christmas, Father’s day, and his Birthday.  It’s an exhausting task.  He always tries to make real estate and owning a business interesting for my brother and I, and he talks about compound interest (babies making babies), and cash flow streams (a glacier (the investment) that has a river running off of it into a lake, which you can freeze and make a new glacier (using the cash flow from an apartment complex to buy another one and make even more money… if you understood that, your could come join our family any day!)  Anyways, he has all these great way’s to explain things, and he’s always said he thought he should write them down to share with others, so we bought him a leather bound journal, to begin ‘his book’.  Like $14.99 at Target, but something that was perfect… For Christmas we got his an apple corer/peeler, because he loves to make apple pies, but he always does it all by hand.  Again, nothing he would ever think to buy for himself (I don’t think he even know’s they exist… he’s not much of a ‘kitchen store shopper), but incredibly useful for something he loves to do. 
 
How do you all figure out how much to spend on Christmas? 

Think you know who this is?  Place your bets in the comment section of my blog and then head over here to see what I had to say for today 🙂

Not a Christmas G.I.F.T

I did not quite get the gift I was hoping for this Christmas but it seems it’s going to be a G.I.F.T of another kind in 2010.

We met with my lovely FS yesterday afternoon and went through the cycle and then discussed our options. 

Our FS was very upfront about the fact that we’ve done every test under the sun, we’ve pretty much done everything and tested everything that we can to pinpoint any underlying issues as to why we keep having no success.   There is technically nothing wrong (well aside from my PCOS but that is controlled in this process) and no indicators for why we keep getting shit news.  Clearly our options are slowly but surely running out.

He feels that we’d be beating our heads against the same brick wall by trying another IVF with Intralipids and expect a different result.  We’ve been down the fresh IVF road three times.  It’s clearly not working for us.  No matter how ballsy we are with the number of embies we put back.

While he was pleased to see that we’ve finally had some measure of success by way of the chemical pregnancy, he felt that we needed to look at other options.  He stated that the fact we had achieved a chemical pregnancy bodes well for our future chances and that from a FS perspective he now knows that he does not need to necessarily worry overmuch about the uterus being the issue.  Clearly it can handle implantation.  Implantation *can* happen in my uterus which previously had been a very grey area for us and a huge cause for concern.

So. 

That leaves GIFT.  Both he and his partner feel that we need to do GIFT simply cos by doing this treatment the eggs are in the ideal environment.  Our fertilization rate has always been between 80 – 85% so they are not worried that we are at any risk of not having fertilization occur in the tubes.  The hope is that by putting the eggs and sperm in the “ideal” environment we end up with that viable embryo implanting and sticking this time round.  We’ll combine the GIFT with the intralipids again as well. 

I asked about ectopic statistics and was pleasantly surprised to hear that they are less than 1% at my clinic with this treatment.

The question was as to how many eggs to put back.  Our fert rate is good and in light of the fact that we now know embies can implant in my uterus they would like to er on the side of caution.  Right now they’re saying 4 – 5 eggs.  But obviously we’ll look at it closer to the time and see how we go.

Having chatted to a few friends who have had chemical pregnancies and who went onto having successful pregnancies with live births the very next treatment I found that most had waited a maximum of two months to try again.  I talked to my FS about the possibility of the uterus having some form of muscle memory whereby it may perhaps remember being pregnant and that being the reason why many friends had success so soon after a chemical.  As usual there is no scientific proof to support this but he did not pooh-pooh my theory right off the bat.

Time wise my FS will not do another treatment in less than 60 days.  He feels we need to give my body time to recover and also for our hearts to heal emotionally.  So we’re probably looking at late January or early February 2010.

I’m praying and hoping that the GIFT we do ends up being the GIFT that keeps on giving right up until a live birth late next year…

On another subject all together, I am often amazed how our hearts can handle so many conflicting emotions at once.  While my heart is breaking for myself due to personal issues that are happening in my life right now, my heart explodes with joy at Sharon’s news and the fact that a good friend got a strong healthy beta with IVF #2 this morning.  Our capacity for feeling is truly a wonderful thing. 

It will never cease to amaze me.

How we roll…

The emotions are rolling. 

From sadness, to anger, to dispair, to hope, to holycraphowcouldthishavehappenedtousagain, to sadness, to hope and so we roll on and on and on.

Sometimes this really just feels like someone is playing an incredibly cruel joke on us.  It feels like the results were not chemical but actually good.

I suppose I should have known.  I believed with all my heart that I was pregnant and that IVF # 3 (or 4 if you count FET’s which I don’t) was going to be THE one.  And to a small degree I was right.  I was just not right enough. 

I had an extremely weird dream on Friday morning.  I dreamt we were going in for our beta.  We walked into a busy gym and Stephan met us at the door and told me to hop onto the treadmill get my my veins ready for the beta.  I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes and then hopped onto the dildo cam bed and I saw in his face it was over…. I woke up and then you all know how the rest of the day panned out… Surreal.  Clearly my subconscious was telling me this was not the one.

We’re meeting the FS later today to discuss our options.  We’re going to discuss a lot with him – most of all GIFT.

Looking at the silver lining in all of this – at least we got one step closer this time.  At least not all hope is lost.  At least we still have each other.  At least we are alive to stand another day. 

Many prayers that I’ve said for others have been answered.  One HUGE one just today.  And one day, one day our prayers for ourselves (and those of you who pray for us too – thank you so much) will be answered too.

Chemical

I started the day with a good cuddle from my wonderful husband. 

It went downhill from there.

We decided that I would poas just to prepare ourselves for what the blood test would bring (we were sure we were going to see two lines).  We did two tests.  Both were negative.  We were gobsmacked.  We were NOT expecting that, not with the “symptoms” I’d been experiencing the last two weeks.  Maybe there was still hope.  Maybe  I would end up being one of those freaky women who just never get positive home pregnancy results.  We cried.  And prepared our hearts for a negative beta.

We drove to the clinic, had my blood drawn and took my barcode up to the co-ordinators.  I told them I thought it was negative and they asked why.  I told them about those darn pee sticks.  We left.  We got a call from my FS at 08h13.  And what he said literally knocked the wind out my sails.  I was expecting my usual flat beta of zero.

My beta is 14.9.  Fucking 14.9.  A chemical completely non viable pregnancy.  We’re so pissed off.  We’re so hurt.  We’re so fucking confused.  As my wonderful FS said it’s cold comfort to know that for once my body managed to start implantation.  And then it just stopped.  This hurts, A LOT.

We are naturally gutted. 

But on the one hand we are grateful to have got through a 2ww with no bleeding.  I am grateful to know that my body is not as fucked up as I thought it was when I looked at those one lined HPT’s this morning.  My instinct that something was happening inside my womb was not wrong.  My bodies signs to me were not wrong.  They were just not strong enough.  Not viable enough.

And while my head knows it’s a good thing that we finally had a chemical reaction between our embryo and my endometrial lining my heart is bleeding.  My heart longs for what this should have been.  And my heart cries for the injustice of this situation.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers for us during this time.  It really means so much.