Really? Two Years already?

Sometimes it feels like you’ve been gone forever.  And sometimes it feels like you’re still here on this earth, just still living on another continent with a lot less phone calls and contact.

The last two years have been full of ups and downs.  We had a blast at your memorial service with your old military buddies and I think you would have enjoyed the send off you were given.  Like you always wished, a fish eagle cried out as we scattered your ashes into the river to disperse through the land you loved so much.  It was a perfect moment, one I’ve thought about a lot in the time that’s passed.  I will never hear the cry of a fish eagle again without thinking of you.

There has been a lot of healing that has occurred in the last two years.  I’ve come to realise that there were many times that you were just plain shitty to us, and that allowing myself to forgive you for those times would set me free from them.  So I’ve forgiven you.  You know the times I’m referring to.  They’re in the past where they belong and while I will never forget the shitty times, I can remember them without the bitterness I used to feel about them before.  And for all your shittyness, there was good too.  Good times, fun times and lots of crazy laughs.  I will never forget playing “pazant” at that one party in Namibia where your buddy got so dizzy he fell into Mom’s prized roses and the times when Moz and I would invite all our mates over and we’d do fashion shows for you and Mom.  Yes there were times when you didn’t do such a great job, but overall there were more good times than bad and I think that’s all a parent can aim for.

While you’ve been gone, I’ve experienced a pregnancy and become a Mom.  You know how much that meant to me and I can tell you, that you were absolutely right when you told me to never stop fighting for this privilege.  I wish you had gotten to see me pregnant.  I wish that my son would’ve got the chance to meet you.  Cos while you often said that you would’ve sucked with a boy, I think you two would’ve actually had a riot together.  He’s cute Dad.  I think you would’ve loved his mischievous giggle and the gap he’s got between his top front teeth.

I find that as time passes I think of you less often.  Must be because the grief I felt at your passing is healing.  The touch point of how you left us is not as tender as it used to be.  I’m happy for that.  Maybe it’s because my life is full and busier than ever now.  The hole is filled to overflowing.  I’m happy for that too.  But I’ll hear a song or a sound that reminds me of you every so often and I find that I smile when that happens.

I know, that writing these words means nothing to you.  You are gone and getting them out is merely a form of catharsis for me.  But I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you today and I am missing you still.  Not as much as last year granted, but you are missed.

Take care of you, Dad.

xxx

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Another journey comes full circle…

I cannot be more happy to see one of my closest friend’s journey come full circle today – her precious daughter Chloe Hope was born this morning to much joy and celebration after a long journey with infertility.

Welcome to the world Chloe – you bring with you so much healing to past hurts.  May God continue to keep His hands on you and may you grow strong in Him as you grow up.

We love you so much little girl.

Cute Overload

One of you wise souls told me via email that babies bounce back super quickly from being sick and boy were you right, Kade is back to his usual happy go lucky self and he just warms my heart to the core.  So for your viewing pleasure here is some of the cute overlaod I’ve been lucky enough to experience this past weekeend…

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Milestones

Any mother knows all about milestones.

As a first time Mom we can be a bit obsessive about these milestones.  Is he reaching them soon enough?  Why hasn’t he shown signs of that milestone?  Oh shit – he completely missed a milestone – what if he won’t “work” right now?  Most of you know the drill…  We are so proud of them when they reach those miletones that we cannot wait to show them off to the world… “smile my boy”, “clap handies, clap handies”, “wave bye bye” etc

I can tell you right now that I was not prepared the other type of milestone.  The not so nice ones.

On Tueday night I started feeling a bit off colour.  Sore achey back, super tired and just not 100% well.  I put it down to stress and made a mental note to get myself to the chiropractor for an alignment pronto (well as soon as payday hit).  By Wednesday I was feeling super shit.  Clammy, dizzy, super nauseas and the runs had hit my body.  Not pretty.  I stayed away from people at work, but stayed at work to try not give whatever I had to Kade.  Eventually I went to the doctor.  He found nothing wrong with me.  And yet I felt like death.  I got home, spent some time with my buddy boy and just before bath time he started crying uncontrollably.

After his (super short) bath I checked his temperature as he was looking very flushed – 37.6 – crap!~ After loads of crying and much heaving, m,y poor baby had a massive vommit – one that actually stole his breath and scared both him and me to death.  Cue some Calpol.  He slept for a little while but woke up crying again.  Not a happy boy.  After checking his temp literally every 30 minutes – at 23h30 when it hit a 39.2 I got Cliff out of bed and told him we needed to head to the ER.  I was not taking ANY chances.  Gave him more Calpol and off we went to the Olivedale ER.

ER doc checked his ears and throat all clear.  But when he tried to check his tum, Kade was not happy at all.  Poor baby had ended up getting my tummy bug after all.  Talk about feeling like a shitty mom!  Literally. We were told to keep him hydrated to keep the fevers under control with the Calpol (cos he was reacting to it nicely and not bringing it back up) and to expect diarea in due course.

Yesterday the fevers raged on and off and my poor child had such bad runs.  What made it worse was that I was feeling like death myself with a massive headache and major runny tum myself.  Its been a tough few days in the Young household.

What I’ve learned the last few days can be summed up as follows:

  • It is possible to have a runny dump at the precise same time as your son – with him on your lap while you are on the white throne
  • You can survive and still function (albeit not as effectivley) on 3 hours sleep in a 30 hour period
  • Fevers and diaorea scare the crap out of me – especially when the person who is experienceing them is my child!
  • Empaped kicks Calpols ass!  Empaped is my BEST friend.
  • Having Kade has made me much more emotional – several times over the last few days I have found myself on the verge of hot tears
  • I cannot stand seeing my baby boy look like this:

  • Kids bounce back way quicker than we give them credit for.

This morning whilst he’s not quite 100% right yet, he is definitely looking better and has turned the corner.

Reaching the shitty milestones is not as much fun as reaching the cool milestones is!

ad-ven-ture/ad’venCHer/

1.  ad-ven-ture/ad’venCher/

Noun:             An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.

Verb:              Engage in hazardous and exciting activity, esp the exploration of unknown territory: “they had advsentured into the forest”.

Synonyms:    noun. venture…. verb. risk – venture – hazard – jeopardize – dare – jeopard

Catching up on blogs the other day (man alive you guys write A LOT) I was reading Julia’s thoughts on her word for 2011 and her word for 2012 and I thought to myself “what an awesome idea” and promptly told her that I was going to steal her “word for the year” concept.  In the past few day’s I’ve been thinking very carefully about what word I was going to allocate to 2012.

There were many words that jumped into my mind – Grace, Thankfulness, Responsiblity, Journey, Love and so on and so forth.  But I wanted to push myself and find a word that would encompass all the other words that rose so quickly.  I think ad-ven-ture/ad’venCHer/ captures what I hope for 2012 in my and my family’s lives.

Because lets face it, life is somewhat hazardous, but also exciting and certainly unusual.

I cannot wait to follow the path that leads to further exploration of my son’s mind and development.  I cannot wait to see how he unfolds as a person under our guidance, love and teachings.  A journey which I’m sure will be coloured with love, joy, gratitude but tempered with worry, hurt and sadness.  My wish for him, is that his adventure with us as his parents is as fun and life moulding as ours will be with him.
On the work front  I hope to open my heart to new adventures.  Ones that will lead me into risk and ventures.  But hopefully ones that will result in fruits of the harvest and more time and energy to expend on the adventure of growing with my child.
I’m going to journey with my body too.  To places once traveled to but long forgotten.  Places of better health and fitness.  These are area’s of adventure with my body that I have long neglected and I can literally feel my body itching to visit these places again.
Finally an adventure of Spirit.  Of closeness with my Dad.  Of renewing my mind and spirit in Him daily.  Of focusing on the fruits He has in store for me and the fruits He has in store for others THRU me.
Like all adventures, I know there’ll be troubled waters to cross and rocky paths to navigate but I know with the correct gear and preparation, the end destination will be SO worth it.

What to say about 2011?

We’re already 5 days into 2012 and each time I sit in front of my laptop and start to put fingers to keyboard to do my 2011 round-up post, I find that words start to fail me.

Because what do I say about 2011?

Whilst the year as a whole came with many ups and downs – ups which were super high and downs which were super low, I cannot say that it was the best year of my life.  And yet the year, 2011, contained the most amazing day of my life to date.

On the 03rd of June 2011 I was blessed with the most amazing gift ever – my son Kade Ethan entered my life the way he continues to fulfill it – with wonder and surprise.  He has healed me in ways that I didn’t even realise I was broken.  He has healed my husband in ways I didn’t realise *he* was broken.  And he is a shining light  to all that share our lives.  I love him more than my heart can handle and he is teaching me to love life’s smallest treasures again.

I’ve been honored to share in the births of many other such gifts and to see the healing that they have brought to their respective families.  I’ve been blessed to share in my close friend’s pregnancy and to see the healing her pregnancy has brought her and her family.  So much joy has filled the days of 2011.

But there has also been sadness, hurt and anger.  Trials and tribulations that family and friends have had to face and conquer.  I am so proud that I am connected to a wealth of people who in the face of adversity, find the strength to let the sadness knock them down and once they’ve allowed that sadness to keep them down for long enough, to extend the middle finger and triumph over that adversity.  You know who you are, and you inspire me.

I have grown so much as a person in 2011.  I realised that I could give of myself responsibly and still be a good friend and family member.  That  allowing myself to put myself first does NOT make me a bad person.  Just the opposite in fact – it makes me a better one.  I’ve realised that letting go of toxicity is the best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.

I’ve fallen more in love with my body than I’ve been in a long time and have let go of plenty of past hurts.  I’m free-er than I used to be.  That’s not to say that I don’t still have a lot to work on cos I sure do, but I hope to continue in 2012 in the manner in which I started in 2011.  I have some goals I have set myself and I will be doing my best to achieve them.  One little step at a time.

I have high hopes for 2012, that my learning will continue as I draw closer to God and explore the structure that is my family.  Here’s to an amazing 2012 my friends.

May it bring all of you the desires of your hearts and the happiness you deserve!