Letting Go

As a new first time mom I really battled with the notion of letting go.  Throw in seven years of infertility and the idea of letting go was an absolute no-no in my mind.  I wanted to be able to do EVERYTHING for my son.  I so badly wanted to prove that I DESERVED to be his mother.  In my mind that meant that I had to do everything for him myself and I had to do it perfectly.  I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect mother.  Throw in some sleep deprivation and a refluxy baby, lets just say things were not always perfect… that meant that the guilt set in.   That useless emotion that gets us no where.

Guilt that I wasn’t doing everything perfectly.  Guilt that I would sit on the bed and hold my son tight,tight, tight in my arms and literally BEG him to go to sleeeeep.  Guilt that I craved sleep more than I craved the desire to care for him.  So I put more pressure on myself.  I battled to allow Cliff to help me.  Cos I had to do it all myself.  In not allowing Cliff to help me, he happily toddled off to bed to sleep most nights and boy then did the resentment set in.  How DARE HE SLEEP WHEN I CANT?? More guilt.  For being a shit wife.  A wife who begrudges her husband his sleep.  Useless, useless, non productive guilt.

On and on and on the circle of pressure on myself and guilt went.  Until one Sunday when Kade was about 3 weeks old my mother came to visit and found me in Kade’s room in a state.  I was overtired, cluster feeding my child and so overwhelmed with this thing called motherhood.  Battling to figure out how to manage it all.  Still trying to figure out this little person who was my child.  She told Cliff to pack a bag for Kade and told me that she was taking my son to the shops for the afternoon.  That I needed a break.  I burst out crying and told her to just take my child away from me cos I wasn’t deserving of being his mother cos I couldn’t cope!  Talk about drama queen!

That afternoon was the first lesson I got in allowing myself to let go.  To allow myself some help and to give myself a break.  I started accepting offers from my family to come over and watch Kade for a few hours so I could sleep.  I started allowing my husband to do more than just change nappies and wash bottles.  I started allowing myself to think that altho no-one could care for Kade like I could (cos lets face it Mom’s always do it best *wink wink*) that maybe their way of caring for him was not so bad after all.

It was not an easy process, and it took some time for the notion of letting go to sink into my stubborn mind.  But I have to admit that allowing myself that “break” made life a lot easier for everyone involved.

I still battle to let go sometimes, but overall think I’ve managed to balance the act of wanting to be everything to my child and allowing myself to remember that in order to do that I too need a break.  It’s still a work in progress, one I’m sure that I’ll never truly master.  All I can hope for is that in allowing myself to let go, that I become a better mother to my son.

 

 

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Chop of the Day…

…on Monday and Tuesday went to my darling husband.  You see we have this loo upstairs in our en-suite bathroom.  For about a year and a half that loo has been doing this really annoying drippy into the cistern thing.  It annoys the crapoola out of me and I’ve asked and asked and asked that it gets fixed.

On Monday night my chop darling husband decided that 20h30 was a great time to decide to tackle the drippy loo issue.  He came downstairs and showed me half of the inside of the loo in his hand but assured me that he had this all under control.

Needless to say the drippy loo became a gushy loo in no time.  I found myself mopping up a flood in my bathroom at 22h00 on a Monday night but could still see the humour in it.  A slightly highly frazzled husband running around calling himself a tonsil and water on the floor and several attempts to keep the water at bay had me chuckling to myself and out loud at him.

By 22h45 I wasn’t so amused anymore.  All I wanted to do was wash my make up off my face and go to bed.  But with water gushing out the loo we had to turn the mains supply off and I was left with NO water.  And I was starting to think about what I was going to do the next morning should chop darling husband not be able to fix the toilet and turn on the mains in time for me to shower and get to work.

Tuesday morning comes and after a slightly sleepless night with Kade and a cutting tooth I had a case of serious sense of humour failure.  The loo wash still gushing and I was seriously late for work.  After a frantic bbm to one of my friends asking her if I can use her house to shower and get myself pretty for work, getting into my car and driving halfway to her house only to turn round cos I forgot some important get pretty items I was slightly peeved.

When I got home Cliff told me he’d stopped the gush with a 20cent piece and that I could shower.  Thank the pope!

Needless to say we now have a non drippy loo but I have to say that Chop of the Day for Monday and Tuesday was easily awarded to my chop darling husband!

Who is YOUR chop of the day and for what reason?

Jelly Belly

After Kade was born, the thing I battled most with in the first few days was not the lack of sleep.  It was the freaky feeling of my jelly belly.  I was rather large in the end of my pregnancy but loved the feeling of that rock hard tummy that housed my son.  After he came out that wonderful hard ball became this floppy, empty, soft, squishy, hot mess.

I couldn’t handle the way it looked and felt.  Much like the feeling of my flat belly button on my pregnant tummy skeeved me out, my jelly belly gave me that same feeling.  Thankfully I was lucky enough to have a child who literally sucked me back to reasonable shape in a short period of time.  Nine months later I find that I still have that last bit of stubborn flab on my tum.

37 weeks 5 days pregnant and HUGE!

 

12 days post partum and looking pretty darn good =)

I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day about this very thing.  Her baby is 7 weeks old and she said she was battling with the changes in her tummy since her baby came along.  That it’s not the same as it used to be.  I could relate to those feelings mostly cos I had those same icky feelings about my own tummy after Kade came.

Thing is I figured pretty early on (at about 2 weeks after he came) that I needed to change the way I was thinking about my jelly belly.  For too long I allowed my relationship with my body to suffer and be in a very dark place.  My pregnancy helped heal a lot of the damage I did to my body image.  I wanted to hold onto that.  So I decided to look at my jelly belly as something rather special.

Because the cause of that jelly belly was the priviledge of my pregnancy.  That little bit of flab that I still have is an honor to wear.  Because my tummy will most likely never be the same again – and that’s a good thing.  That permanent change means that I have my child in my life.  For me, a little bit of flab is a small price to pay for the amazing prize I hold in my arms every day.

What are your thoughts on your jelly belly?

Was it worth it?

I get asked this question A LOT.

I am very open about the fact that it took us 6 IVF attempts to conceive Kade.  I truly believe that if my story can help make one woman/couple not feel so alone in her/their own struggle, or if my story can help give one woman/couple some hope then then it was all worth it.  So I share our story with most people who comment on our son, or if it comes up in conversation.

The seven years we battled infertility were hard.  It put pressures on our marriage that we could never have imagined.  It put massive pressures on our finances.  On our emotional well being both as a couple and and as individuals.  But we were lucky.   We had our families and  I had amazing online support through Fertilicare and through the many blogs I found, started reading and participated on via Mel at Stirrup Queens.  I met wonderful people who I would never have met if not for that journey of infertility.  I found out that I was not alone.  That I was not THE only freak out there that could not conceive.  And so the tapestry of our journey was woven.

Looking back now, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it was well worth it.

I know that there may be some of you still in the trenches sitting here reading and rolling your eyes and thinking “easy for you to say, when you have your child”.  I know it, because I so often thought it when I was still battling.    But it was unequivocably worth it.  Worth every test.  Worth every needle.  Worth every drug.  Worth every tear.  Worth every arguement.  Worth every penny.  Because what we have now is priceless.  What we have now is unbelieveably special and remarkable.  A family.  That wonderful little boy makes everything we went through to have him SO VERY WORTH IT.

Its something that much like many things in life you can only explain once you experience it.

So for any of you out there doubting if the journey you are on will be worth it in the end.  It will be.  I can assure you of that. No matter how you get there, or the lengths you take to make it happen.

It will be worth it.

The great I am’s…

Julia posted these on her blog as part of her meme, and I just had to do them too!

I am…  a student in the University of Life.  Everyday I learn, grow and discover something new about myself.  I hope I never stop learning.

I know…  that I will never know everything.

I want… world peace – hahaha!  Seriously, I want happiness of heart and peace of mind that only He can supply.

I wish… that my friends still in the trenches of infertility would be able to have healing and success.

I fear…  losing my family. 

I feel…  so very grateful.  God has moved in my life so much in the last two years, I am truly blessed beyond measure.

I smell… like Red Door.

I hear….opportunity knocking.

I wonder… what life has in store for me next?  I’m excited to find out…

I believe… that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

I sing…  horribly off key!  BUT I love singing so mostly do it in the confines of my car 😉

I cried last…  I can’t remember when… but I have had several tearful moments – most recently when visiting a friend who finally got her baby placed in her arms… so special!

 I can usually be found…  sitting on the floor of my lounge playing with Kade or crawling after him on the grass outside

I am happy…  most of the time but I am escpecially happy when surrounded by people I love

Like it?  Do it on your own blog or in the comments section below…

Late, late Meme…

Laura tagged me in this meme about a week or so ago – I am sooooo behind so don’t think I’ll find 11 people to tag but I’ll tag however many I can ok?  Ok…

The rules

  • Post 11 things about yourself
  • Answer the questions given
  • Set 11 new questions
  • Tag 11 people

11 Things about me:

  1. I have to stack the dishwasher – I am VERY particular about how it’s stacked and if it’s done by someone else I normally end up restacking it to maximise the space utilized inside it….
  2. I have a shocking habit of shortening people’s names, I have always done it and just cannot help myself from doing it… That’s why I named my son a name that you can’t really shorten, that said I know he’ll end up with some form of nickname…
  3. I am quite adventurous with my hair (to a point) I have had my hair practically every colour it can be – including that VIBRANT red and PLUM colour – I love experimenting with my hair
  4. I am loving my new job at the moment – there is a LOT to learn but I just know it’s going to challenge me in ways I need to be challenged mentally
  5. My shoe broke this morning!  So now I am walking like hop a long and looking very weird.
  6. I love singing in my car – I put the radio/cd on FULL BLAST and sing my little heart out… The radio/cd has to be on FULL BLAST cos my singing is baaaaaad, I have to drown out my own voice…
  7. I don’t know why but Kade seems to like my singing – that’s true love right there!
  8. I constantly have a post nasal drip – it is SO annoying but nothing I take ever drys it up completely
  9. I have recently had a chip in my front tooth fixed and now the one is a bit thicker than the other one – it is fa-reaking me out.  I really hope it evens out soon!
  10. I am getting these shooting pains in my left hand – feels a bit like carpal tunnel syndrome but isn’t that a pregnancy related problem?  Does anyone know if you can get carpal tunnel when not pregnant?
  11. I am getting old – clearly!  Cos my last few points are all complaining about body issues/ails… *sigh*

The questions I need to answer are as follows:

1. Whose wardrobe would you like to have a wander through?   Hmmmm.  This is a tough one – maybe Gwen Stefani cos her style is so quirky & fresh…

2. Are your kitchen cupboards organised?  They used to be, but since Kade has come along I need to reorganise them – having breakables on the lower shelves is NOT a good idea right now especially since he’s on the move and has figured out he can get into the cupboards and drawers

3. You have a tank full of petrol and a day to yourself – where do you go?  To Durban – to visit my buddies and my family there 🙂

4. What would you cook for dinner tonight if all the ingredients were in your fridge when you go home?  Prawn curry – hmmmmm.

5. What are you most grateful for today?  My little boy, considering that at a time in my life I thought I’d never have a child, he is what I am most grateful for.

6. What can’t you forgive?  I can forgive pretty much anything actually…but I do think that the one thing I would not be able to forgive is if someone hurt my child.

7. Would you consider being part of a reality TV show?  Yes, Come Dine with Me…

8. Favourite pizza topping?  Anything BUT seafood

9. 3 of your favourite things?  Red Wine, Biltong and my family

10. Are you brave?  Yes in certain instances I am.  I am calm under pressure and I think that equates to being brave…

11. Can you kill a spider?  Without any hestition!

I am tagging:

Tam

Juanita

Fiona

Cstelle

Kitty

Suzy

Marion

Fran

And my questions are:

  1. What is your favourite thing to eat?
  2. Contacts or Spectacles?
  3. What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?
  4. What was your favourite subject at school?
  5. What infuriates you the most in life?
  6. Where would you go on holiday if you had no money constraints?
  7. What is your favourite childhood memory?
  8. How long have you been blogging and why did you start blogging?
  9. Do you have a healthy body image?
  10. Do you wear lipstick?
  11. Which do you prefer – summer or winter?