6 months

Hi Dad

I can’t fathom that it’s already been 6 months since you left us. 

Exactly 181 days since we’ve had to say goodbye. 

Most of the time it does not feel real.  It’s almost like you’re still living in Wales just without the odd phone call here and there to remind us how much you miss us and how you’d like to hear our voices a bit more often.  (You always were the master of guilt induction)  It does not feel real that cancer ate you from the inside and took you from us too soon.

The rest of the time I find myself getting increasingly pissed off with you.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “coulda woulda shoulda” in my life and I am so angry with you that you caused a large part of those “coulda woulda shoulda” issues.

I know you thought you were doing what was right by leaving us and moving overseas where you would get free medical care for the disease which was killing you.  But in truth?  You robbed us.  You robbed us of over a year of time that we could have spent with you.  Granted not all of that time with  you would have been sunshine and roses, but it was still time that we would have had with you.  You robbed my niece – your granddaughter who you loved more than life itself – of that extra time with the only father figure she knew.  And that pisses me off so royally.  We have one of THE best oncology wards right here in a hospital where you could also have gotten free medical care.  Here where we could have, would have and should have been with you to the end.

I know you thought you were protecting my sister and I by forbidding Mom to tell us once you had finally admitted to her that you were sick.  But in truth?  You should NEVER have put Mom in that position.  NEVER.  We are your children we had a right to know that we needed to prepare ourselves to say goodbye.  Thank God my Mother knew better than to hide your illness from us.

Many people have told me over the months, “You would not have wanted to see him like that”, “It’s better you never saw him ravaged by the disease” and the like.  One of my biggest regrets is that I was more worried about paying an obscene amount of money for an IVF that ended up failing anyway than following my gut and flying to see you when you were hospitalised the first time.  I guess part of the reason why I am so pissed at you is cos I’m pissed at myself.

I should have moved heaven and earth to come and see you Dad.  But you should not have taken away my right to say goodbye to you either.  I often wonder why this is only hitting me now.  It’s been 6 months since you died after all.  I can only think that my heart has been on overdrive of late and it’s now coming through.  The dam is literally overflowing – this heart cannot contain the pain and sadness it’s been delt so far this year any longer.  

I love you Dad.  But I’m so frigging pissed off with you too.  Looking back I can now see all the decisions you made thinking you were making it better but which in the long run turned out none the better.  I know you were acting to trend and that you felt you were making the ultimate sacrifice for your family.  But you were wrong.

I’m sure that one day I’ll be ok with your decision but not today.

Today 6 months after you’ve left us (I hope you’re having a great time up there by the way) I can admit to myself and to you that I’m pissed off with you.  I know I’ll never get an apology out of you (not just cos you’re no longer here to give one, saying sorry was never one of your stronger traits) but I needed you to know that I know that I’m cross.

I’m working on forgiving myself for not pushing harder to come over.  For allowing myself to sit in denial to how quickly your illness was progressing.  Hopefully soon I will get that right.  

Take good care Dad.

I miss you more than you will know.

Love (I’m still angry…)

Your Green Eyed Baby Girl

xxx

Advertisements

Busy Busy Busy

Holy Crapballs! 

Has it really been THAT long since I posted anything here?  Sjoe time has literally flown past in one major blur and I feel like that proverbial hamster on that wheel except the wheel seems to be getting faster and faster and faster…

So what has been keeping me so darn busy?  About two months ago we heard that our company was merging with a competitor company and that there would likely be some retrenchments.  Retrenchment policies often work on a last in first out basis and I was one of the few that were “last in”… I was a bit stressed about the possiblity that I would be retrenched but was called in by my MD who approached me to run one of our biggest accounts.  To say I felt relief would be an understatement.   So I started learning about a new product.

Then in a meeting about two weeks later I was VERY quickly (literally in like 3 minutes) promoted to a Divisional Head.  I now run one of the most important divisions in my company.  It’s great but with it has come a flood of information that has not abated as yet and I am learning and flying off the cuff with this new position every minute of every day.

I really want to make it work.  I have to make it work.  I am going to make it work.  There are some excellent incentives in place to make me make it work.  And extra money means not having to necessarily wait as long as we currently have to, to consider that all elusive treatment # 6…

On top of that we went away on our weekend.  You know the one.  It was really nice.  I got to visit my dear friend Maritza and meet and snuggle with her gorgeous babies, I got to walk on the beach, I got to eat oysters in Knysna and had a good time with Cliff and his brother’s family.  Added to that I got to ride on the Gautrain.  If you EVER have the chance – do it!  It’s so first world.  It’s so quick and easy.  It’s so professional.  It was just awesome!

And there is more.  My beloved country has been hosting the biggest sporting spectacle in the world for the last month – the FIFA soccer world cup and we have done SO well.  It’s been practically flawless.  International journalists who previously only had scathing things to say about us have changed their tune DRASTICALLY.  Those same journo’s are now spouting only great things about the warmth of our nation, the efficiencies of our nation and that makes my heart burst with pride.  You see, I know this country has it’s problems (don’t they all?) and our problems are bad.  Crime in our country is a crying shame.  I’m no ostrich but this land of my birth, it’s rythym beats in my veins and I am so unbelievably proud of what we have achieved.  And what we still have to achieve in this nation of mine.

You could not think there could possibly be more right?  A blog friend got her miracle on top of everything else.  Chops, so so so happy for you & T honey.  Delight in this time.  Cos soon you will be mad for sleep and might not be able to delight in it so clearly.

So that’s the story of what’s been keeping me as busy as a bee… I’ve been a bit of a shocker in keeping up on blogs and news but I am catching up and hope to stay on top of everyone’s news once I am.  But please tell me if I’ve missed anything MAJOR :), don’t leave me in suspense!