I can’t fathom that it’s already been 6 months since you left us.
Exactly 181 days since we’ve had to say goodbye.
Most of the time it does not feel real. It’s almost like you’re still living in Wales just without the odd phone call here and there to remind us how much you miss us and how you’d like to hear our voices a bit more often. (You always were the master of guilt induction) It does not feel real that cancer ate you from the inside and took you from us too soon.
The rest of the time I find myself getting increasingly pissed off with you. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “coulda woulda shoulda” in my life and I am so angry with you that you caused a large part of those “coulda woulda shoulda” issues.
I know you thought you were doing what was right by leaving us and moving overseas where you would get free medical care for the disease which was killing you. But in truth? You robbed us. You robbed us of over a year of time that we could have spent with you. Granted not all of that time with you would have been sunshine and roses, but it was still time that we would have had with you. You robbed my niece – your granddaughter who you loved more than life itself – of that extra time with the only father figure she knew. And that pisses me off so royally. We have one of THE best oncology wards right here in a hospital where you could also have gotten free medical care. Here where we could have, would have and should have been with you to the end.
I know you thought you were protecting my sister and I by forbidding Mom to tell us once you had finally admitted to her that you were sick. But in truth? You should NEVER have put Mom in that position. NEVER. We are your children we had a right to know that we needed to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. Thank God my Mother knew better than to hide your illness from us.
Many people have told me over the months, “You would not have wanted to see him like that”, “It’s better you never saw him ravaged by the disease” and the like. One of my biggest regrets is that I was more worried about paying an obscene amount of money for an IVF that ended up failing anyway than following my gut and flying to see you when you were hospitalised the first time. I guess part of the reason why I am so pissed at you is cos I’m pissed at myself.
I should have moved heaven and earth to come and see you Dad. But you should not have taken away my right to say goodbye to you either. I often wonder why this is only hitting me now. It’s been 6 months since you died after all. I can only think that my heart has been on overdrive of late and it’s now coming through. The dam is literally overflowing – this heart cannot contain the pain and sadness it’s been delt so far this year any longer.
I love you Dad. But I’m so frigging pissed off with you too. Looking back I can now see all the decisions you made thinking you were making it better but which in the long run turned out none the better. I know you were acting to trend and that you felt you were making the ultimate sacrifice for your family. But you were wrong.
I’m sure that one day I’ll be ok with your decision but not today.
Today 6 months after you’ve left us (I hope you’re having a great time up there by the way) I can admit to myself and to you that I’m pissed off with you. I know I’ll never get an apology out of you (not just cos you’re no longer here to give one, saying sorry was never one of your stronger traits) but I needed you to know that I know that I’m cross.
I’m working on forgiving myself for not pushing harder to come over. For allowing myself to sit in denial to how quickly your illness was progressing. Hopefully soon I will get that right.
Take good care Dad.
I miss you more than you will know.
Love (I’m still angry…)
Your Green Eyed Baby Girl