Catapulted Back in Time…

There are times when I’m catapulted back in time, right back into the midst of my infertility.  One thing is for sure, as much as I’m “on the other side” now, I will never forget the pain and the hurt of the seven years it took to get to where I am now.

When something as simple as reading a Facebook update of a friend still in the trenches, throws me back in time, remembering that pain can sometimes literally take my breath away.  I have a friend, who I’ve never met, she and her husband are still trying to start their family after many years of marriage and of enduring infertility.  She posted an update:

“That question: ‘Do you have children?’ My response depends on who is asking and how I happen to be feeling. There are so many ways to answer and then you have to try move the conversation from there. So I think maybe it is a good idea to get a really exotic pet (sorry my budgie Bella!) It would be a great diversion. I could reply in a flash: ‘No, no children, but we have a 6m Burmese python!’ Bingo! Change of topic!”

Reading that update, my heart broke for her.  Cos I remembered so well how depending on my mood or how fragile I was when asked I would have a different answer.  My answers ranged from “no not yet, we’re just enjoying being married for now…” to “Um no. *with very quick break of eye contact to stop the convo right there and then” to “we’re hoping to have one soon” to “it’s not that easy for everyone *with aggressive stance and tone*” to “it’s not that easy for everyone *with eyes filling with tears*” to “soon God willing”… The answers and scenario’s were endless.

As each year passed, it got harder and harder to keep up a positive facade in the face of such an innocent question.  It was harder to explain that we’d been married a “long” time in other people’s minds with no children in our home.  But also as time passed and every year came and went, I learnt to be open about our struggles.  To really hear other couples who used the same deviant tactics to “that question”.   To try be brave enough to let them know that they were NOT alone by sharing our story.

It’s been 14 months since I became a mother.  23 months since I fell pregnant through my 6th IVF.  I’ve been healed in many ways.  I’ve worked through many of my demons.

Thing is… I’ve realised that 7 years of pain and hurt do not just disappear.  7 years of our fabric will never be far removed from the joy we feel since we’ve been blessed enough to become this wonderful thing called a family.  Because those 7 years, they are a vital part of the fabric of our family.  Without those years, we wouldn’t be the people we are today.

Often it takes a simple reminder of what it took to get here.

To my friends who are still battling to “cross over”, you are never far from my thoughts and my prayers.  My greatest wish is for your hearts to be healed and for you to know the joy of a family of your own – however that family gets created.

Nope.  I will never forget what it took to get here.


Thanks for Writing…

Tam  nominated me for a blog award – thanks honey!

Rules as follows:

1. Include the award logo in your post or on your blog
2. Say 7 random things about yourself that the readers don’t know yet
3.  Nominate 5 – 10 other blogs you usually follow
4. Let the nominees know that they are nominated & include their blog-links
5. Link the person who nominated you

So, 7 random things about me that I haven’t already told you here… Hmmm….

  1. I am obsessed with the snollies in Kade’s nose.  Ever since his snotty nose turned into post nasal drip which turned into a double ear infection I am super paranoid in keeping his sinuses and nose clear… Poor thing!
  2. I have really old looking hands.  I would love to rejuvenate them and get them looking “younger” but I know that involves keeping them slathered in moisture rich cream but I can’t stand the feeling of “wet” cream on my hands.  Catch 22!
  3. I cannot STAND the sound of someone else chewing their food.  Sounds that no one else hear when people are next to them are super loud to me and it FREAKS.ME.OUT.
  4. When I’m tired or stressed out I play with my hair.  I run my fingers thru it and it never fails to calm me down.
  5. When I was younger I really wanted to be a zoologist.  I went to meet with a real life zoologist who was such a male chauvinist that it totally put me off for life.
  6. When my sister and I were little we created a language of our own.  We thought it was GREAT fun to talk to each other all the time in it and confuse the hell out of people.  We even now sometimes use it when we want to say something to each other that we don’t want other people hearing.
  7. I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie.  I have skydived, bungi jumped the highest bungi in the world and ab-seiled.  My next thing to do is to dive with sharks and I am dying to do the whole dinner in the sky thing.  It’s been too long since my last “fix”.

So now I’m supposed to tag 7 bloggers but I think the whole of blogland has already been tagged and done this one so if you would like to do it, consider yourself TAGGED and Thanks for Writing!

Time Sans Kade…

Things in our household have been a bit chaotic the last two weeks.  It all started two weeks ago Saturday, when Kade started with a slightly runny nose which I put down to teething as he was in the process of starting to cut 4 pre molars at the same time.

I treated the runny nose accordingly.  It turned into a post nasal drip.  I treated the post nasal accordingly.  It didn’t clear up until finally last week Friday I decided that I wanted to take him to the doctor just as a precaution to make sure the post nasal had not caused a secondary infection as he’d started coughing at night to clear his throat to breathe properly.

He had ended up with a slight double ear infection.  To make matters worse I had a very badly infected left ear myself (that imbalance I had been experiencing in the week all of a sudden made sense!!) and was feeling pretty crappy myself.

My sister heard I was not well and immediately offered to take Kade for Saturday and Sunday night so that Cliff and I could get some rest and so that I could have some “down time” to recover as well.

Initially I was all like “no don’t worry, we’ll be fine” but I was feeling REALLY crap and knew I needed a break.  So on Saturday I packed Kade’s stuff and my sister (God bless her) came to fetch Kade that afternoon.  I had made plans to go to movies with a girlfriend a while back and headed off to movies.  Had an awesome time and came home to a quiet house.  The only noise was the TV softly emitting Tour de France commentary and Cliff had his butt firmly glued to the couch.  The dogs were snoring on the floor couch and I felt pretty weirded out actually.

I’m used to toys making noise and Kade running up and down the passage and screeching his delight.  The quiet unnerved me.  And I could see that Cliff was feeling it too.  That night when bed time came I sank blissfully into my pillow but still woke at midnight and at 04h00 to listen for my bug’s coughing that had woken me for nights on end.  Again the quiet unnerved me but I sank deeply back into sleep after being awake for a short while each time…

Sunday I served a double shift at Kids Church and by the time I got home I was FINISHED.  Strangely enough the quiet whilst not normal by any means didn’t unnerve me the way it did the day before.  I took my meds and headed to bed for a glorious two and a half hour sleep – my first in over a year.  It was BLISS. I woke up feeling much better and well rested.

Cliff and I ate a leisurely meal together and watched the movie with NO interruptions and headed to bed to have a nice deep sleep.  I only woke up once expecting to hear Kade.

This is only the second time Kade has been away from us in his short life.  The first time he was 5 months old and stayed at my Mom for a night so Cliff and I could attend a wedding and now these two nights with my sister.

To be honest, I don’t know what I was thinking by not allowing him to sleep out more before this.  We are lucky enough to have a wealth of family to draw on when we need that time.  Family that we both trust implicitly to take excellent care of our son.  I know sleeping out when they are little babies is not ideal cos they need you so much but honestly, the time sans Kade this weekend had made me realise that I am also important and that some down time is not just a luxury, it is a NECESSITY.  I need to have some time to just chill and veg if that is what I want to do.  Cliff needs time to just chill and veg if that’s what he wants to do…

I have decided that I am taking Cliff away for a much-needed romantic weekend at the end of July.  We are going to sit by the fireplace and chat and just be Cliff and Sam again instead of focussing all our energy on being Kade’s mommy and daddy.

We are also going to be having time sans Kade more regularly from now on.  Cos it’s good for ALL of us in the end, it makes Cliff and I better parents to our son and makes Kade expand his love tank by spending time with his family who dote on him.

All in all a win, win!