Hmmmm….

Since my last failed IVF my body seems to have kicked into a semblance of normal… and I’m forced to admit that I like it.  I like it a lot.  Cos while I’m not in anyway thinking about ttc “naturally” I’m pleased that my body has managed to play nice for three cycles in a row now.

First cycle after the failed IVF in Feb was 35 days long, the second cycle was 38 days long and I immediately thought ot myself “here it goes, they’re getting longer and longer and soon I’ll be back to those 80 – 100 day cycles or will have to put myself back on the pill”.  But lo and behold here I sit at the beginning of my fourth “natural” cycle after my failed IVF.  And the cherry on the top?  My last cycle was only a measly 32 days long! 🙂  Hows that for a “normal” cycle?

Of course, now I’m daring my body to do it again… Part of me is also wondering how much the enforced break between treatments that our wait for our HLA test results is playing in my body’s sudden transformation to “naturally normal”?

Think there is a “mind over matter” phenomenon going down here??

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Alternate Therapy?

I saw a body alignment therapist over the weekend.  Part of me is glad that I went to see her but a part of me is confused and conflicted… Let me explain.

At the beginning of the session the therapist explained that I was in a safe place and that no bad entities could enter and that I was protected by the Arc Angel Michael.  I did not feel threatened by the therapist in any way but I can tell you that I was damn nervous for the treatment.  She used a combination of crystal therapy as well as chakra balancing, reiki energy healing , pendulum healing and what she calls “intuitive channeling”.  She told me that she uses Angels who are guides to help align the body and mind. 

What I did feel almost immediately once the treatment started was an intense energy radiating through my body and my eye lids were “shivering” (sorry this was the best way I could come up with to explain it) uncontrollably.   She told me that I “talk a lot but don’t say anything”.  She also explained that I had got myself into such a habit of not allowing myself to feel that I have shut my emotions down completely.  She told me that I need to learn to love myself before I can love a child that I bring into the world.  She also told me that I should find myself a homeopath using my gut instinct cos she was told that homeopathy would help me.

She told me that I am not very honest with myself.  That I use my infertility as a way to gain attention.  That I have immense feelings of lack of self worth.  That I needed to take responsibility for my part in my infertility.  She explained that it was ok for me to not agree with or to dislike things my Mother says and does.  It was immensely clear that I loved my Mother but that I was not being honest with myself about the fact that she does and did things that I disliked.  But most of all that I must learn to accept and feel the love around me.  That I needed to realize that I was a beautiful being and that I was WORTHY of love and all it’s blessings.  I cried.  It was hard to hear these things being said to me, but most of it was pretty on the money.

The problem is that it was not all about me learning to love myself and accepting that I’m a pretty cool chick, there was a scary side to the session as well.  She told me that when I was 17 or 18 someone put an accidental curse on me which is the root cause of my infertility.   Naturally I’m a little freaked out by this.  I cannot think of who would have accidently put a curse on me at this time of my life.  I was either in my last year of school or living in the middle of a game reserve hanging out with a bunch of game rangers.  And for the life of me, I cannot think of anyone in either of those two groups of people who could have done this to me.  She told me that there is nothing wrong with my body, and that my challenges are in my mind.  Oh and don’t for get that accidental curse.

There were some things about my job situation, about letting go of negativity and some others that I’m not remembering as I type this out…

I guess most of my conflict comes to the fore because I’m a Christian.  I’ve accepted Christ into my life and due to this I know that seeking this kind of treatment is considered taboo.  I know that there is a spirit world out there that might be deceiving me, but I also know that I am a child of Christ and through Him I am protected, I am righteous and I am covered in His blood that will ensure I am safe.  There were many things that she said that were right on the money.  I do have feelings of lack of self worth.  I am not completely honest with myself and others about many things – I say I’m fine when I’m not, I say I am strong and coping when in actuality I’m falling to pieces, I say my family is “normal” when I really come from a pretty dysfunctional place in terms of family – the list goes on and on.  I do not allow myself to feel.

And yet, I’m not sure that I would seek the assistance of this lady again.  I do think that many of the things she revealed I needed to know.  I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn that I AM worthy of love, I need to start getting real with myself. 

And most of all I need to pray over my womb to break any curse that may or may not have been accidently placed on me.  (And if any of you are the praying type and feel it in you to help me on this one, I would mightily appreciate it.)

In the last few days I have debated this issue with a few of my friends, and I do believe that God gives people the gift of prophecy or healing, and as long as they do it to His glory.  I believe that we all have access to the gifts of the Holy Spirit and that many people use these gifts for the greater good.  I truly believe that if I am seeking treatment that comes from the most high, it can’t be all wrong.  I know that these therapists have the opportunity to take these gifts to a darker place, a place that is not about glorifying His name, and I guess it’s that “other side” that has me erring on the side of caution right about now.  It’s too easy to get involved or drawn into it without you even knowing before it’s too late… (Remember that accidental curse??)

*sigh* 

I’m damn confused and need to do some serious soul searching about this…  I’m interested though, what are *your* thoughts on alternate treatments?

Hello ICLW

Hello to all ICLW’ers…

I missed out on last month cos I was really hectic at work and it took it out of me to read any blogs and post here on my own but this month I’m making a concerted effort to get back into the groove and to put it all out there again…

Welcome to the ramblings of my mind, I hope you enjoy your time here and look forward to “making friends” in the next week… next months and next year…

Getting some really hard, honest posts out of my head so keep your eyes peeled 😉

Been thinking…

I was working merrily yesterday and all of a sudden I get a msn pop up from an old friend”wanting to chat… I did not really think anything of the whole situation until later last night.

This is the friend who I had a little spat with a while back (read about it here and here) and while we have been trying to make the friendship work, due to the fact that she lives so far away and that our lives are in such different places the friendship we have now is more like a “hi how ya doing” kind of friendship than a deep one where we share everything.  Also there have been a couple of instances where I’ve been left thinking “WTF just happened?” in recent times that have also got me thinking…

The first WTF moment was shortly after I’d found out that our last fresh IVF had failed and I was crying (I don’t cry very often so this is BIG) and she called me to chat and find out how life is.  I thought I had pulled myself together enough to chat to her but she could hear that I had been crying and asked what was up.  I told her that my last IVF had not worked and that I was pretty upset.  She then crapped all over me for not telling her we had done an IVF and then proceeded to tell me that she’s so sorry but she had to go cos she was at her son’s prospective pre-school for an open day and it was due to start in 2 minutes.  WTF right?  Why call someone for a long chat if you’ve only got 5 minutes to spare and once that person tells you her heart is breaking hang up on her?  Crikey!  Maybe I’m from a different planet, but in my world we don’t do that here…  But I left it.  It was important for her to be there to see the school she wanted her son to attend and I do understand that I am not the be end to end all…

Then about three weeks ago I get this call from her out of the blue – I was in a meeting so missed the call but she had left no message.  I called her back and we had a long chat about life and how things were for each of us.  She then says to me oh I’m actually in Joburg this weekend and would like to meet for coffee – how about tomorrow… Um hello?  Last minute anyone?  I was working over that weekend and had made other plans as well so could not meet up with her and when I told her that she sounded all peeved at me.  I asked her why she left it to last minute to tell me she was coming and she told me that it was a very spontaneous trip to Jhb for her neices christening.  Alarm bells ring for anyone else?  I don’t know how it all works (not being a Mom myself yet) but I’m pretty sure that when you plan a kids christening a little more preplanning than one or two days goes into it right?   This experience just left a sour taste in my mouth and I was really annoyed at the fact that she expected me to drop all my plans and just meet her for coffee cos she had deigned to call me at last minute for a catch up.  But I left it.  I mean it *can* happen that her anal type A sister in law would not have planned her babies christening in advance right?

Cue the msn conversation of yesterday, which stared well with the how you doings and what’s news and all, then turned all chirpy and telling me that she’s looking into getting a job cos her kids are bigger now and she needs the stimulation;  but that she really just wants to see what’s out there and does not want to waste time with agency interviews if the market is bad,  and gosh she’s been out the loop so long can I suggest anything to her??  Of course I’m going to help a mate out and so gave her a load of suggestions of job sites to look at etc and hey ho, sorry she’s gotta go – kids need to get to swimming and time to toodles, kbyenow…

The more I’ve thought about this friendship, the more I come to the conclusion that this is looking pretty one sided.  I’m cool to chat to when she’s got 3 minutes to spare in her hectic shedule (which I get I really do, I know life gets busy and hectic), and good for a last minute hook up, and good for work suggestions but when push comes to shove, and I need her (failed IVF and crying – crying for gosh sakes honest to goodness tears and sobs for crying out loud) it’s inconvenient.

And while I don’t want her out of my life exactly, it’s just that I’m not really prepared to put in the effort I have been until such time as it’s recipricated.  I’ve got wonderful friends out there who give as well as take – and they are the ones who deserve my love and energy.  Cos that is what I get back from them in return.

What you say internet?  Good decision or bad decision?

Ring Pics =)

Sorry for the delay, finally downloaded the pics and here they are!

Shining in it's box with my engagement ring

Shining in it's box with my engagement ring

The way it used to look on my finger

The way it used to look on my finger

The way it looks on my finger now =)

The way it looks on my finger now =)

The pictures don’t really do it justice but it’s so pretty and I LOVE it, so so so happy with the way it turned out.  I’ve even prepared Cliff and told him that when we DO finally have our children he needs to get me a second on to place on top of my engagement ring *wink*.