Old Years Eve Plans

Right after work we are driving to my brother in law’s wifes fathers (what a bloody mouthful!) game farm and that is where we will be seeing in 2009. 

It is going to be quiet and family oriented – long gone are the days of me going out with mates to some nightclubby place, getting slaughtered and trying to drive home safely.  (Not that there are not times for this type of party of course, it’s just not going to happen tonight is all.)

I wish you all well as you bring in the new year and whatever you’re doing, wherever you’re going and whomever you spend it with – above all be safe and be happy!

Bring on 2009!

Knock, Knock, Knocking

Holy Crap Dudes! 

2009 is just literally the corner.  And you know what that means, that means fertility treatment… Once again facing the “sparrows fart” mornings, the dildo cam, the injections, the anxiety, the numerous pass/fail points and if we make it that far  – the dreaded 2ww.

In many ways the 5 month ttc break we’ve been on has been good for me.  I’ve realised that I needed to seek therapy to deal with my undealt with anger and remorse over possbilities lost this year (IVF # 1 and FET = FAIL) and the fact that I felt like such a FAILURE for not being able to do what *should* come naturally to me as a woman.  I’ve realised that far too often I take this sense of failure and self deprecation out on the one I love and that because I do this I’ve hurt my marriage.  Most of all this break has given us both a measure  of healing – whether it be internally or for our relationship or just in general looking out at the world going on around us. 

I must admit that at times during this ttc break I’ve felt like I’ve been living in a snow globe – standing in the middle of a snow cloud – looking out as the people around me carried on with life, laughing, procreating and being happy.  And all the while I’ve been in my globe dealing with the aftermath of my shattered dreams.  But you know what?  Somehow through therapy and looking within myself that globe started to crack, and slowly but surely I’ve clawed my way out and onto the path to my happiness again. 

Can I at this stage see myself living child free – not a chance!  But can I see myself being happy while I pursue this dream of ours – heck yes… cos at the end of the day, happiness is where the heart is.  And my heart is surrounded by love of family and friends and right about now I know that that is a pretty special place to be.

I don’t want to make the same mistake that I did going into 2008, I don’t want to expect too much from 2009.  It’s just a year afterall.  It’s just a time frame.  So rather, as I look forward on the path to my happiness, I want to say that I hope and pray that 2009 reveals many blessings to us all – in whatever shape or format that may be. 

And if that happens to include a real live baby or healthy pregnancy?  Cheers to that!

Jingle Bells, Christmas Smells…

…. Sam needs to run away, not a gift is in sight, maybe today! Hey!

Seriously though, I am at my MOST disorganised I have ever been at this time of year.  I *love* Christmas.  I love that it gives me a chance to celebrate the birth of my Saviour, I love that it gives me time to spend time with my family and friends, I love it!  BUT this year I have not been able to get my ass into gear – at all.  Here we sit – two (2!!!) measly days before the big event and I have not bought one (1!!!!) Christmas present.  *sigh* 

And as much as I know I *have* to get it done today or it’s tickets for me, I am *so* not in the mood.  At least I managed to get my a into g enough to put up the Christmas tree.  That’s gotta count for something right?

I was in a bummed mood yesterday as well.  Not something I allow myself to wallow in for long and today I’m feeling much better, but I have to share the wallow.  Every year a RL friend of mine has a Christmas braai.  Last year at the braai we met her friends Claire and Paul who had been battling to fall pregnant.  They had 2 rounds of clomid and at the braai were happily pregnant.  I remember sitting there thinking – next braai next year that will be *me*. 

But at the braai this year, Claire and Paul were bouncing their 5 month old baby boy on their knee’s and there Cliff and I sat, still no closer to our dream of having a baby.  It hit me like a stream train.  Yet another year lost.  Yet another year where my hopes and dreams were crushed.  Yet another Christmas wishing for a child to share it with.  Yet another party where we are the only childless couple.

But despite myself I still sat there thinking to myself – next year at the next braai – that will be me.

Some things I love about you.

  • I love your eyes.  They are really a stunning colour.
  • You have HOT legs, in fact I think I fell in love with your legs before I fell in love with *you*.
  • I love that you make me tea every morning – even if we’ve had a fight the night before.
  • I love that you’re so gentle with our dogs – it shows me what kind of father you’re going to be someday.  A great one btw.
  • I love that we can be silly together.
  • I love that you’re so freaking scared of bats and moths.  It gives me the giggles.
  • You have a great sense of “fair play”.  That’s a great quality to have.
  • I love (even though I tease you about it) that you’re a “Mommy’s boy”.  Men who treat their Mother’s well treat their wives well.
  • I love that you’re so stable.  Growing up in a mostly unstable household means stability is really important now.
  • I love that you’re sticking by me during this infertiltiy rollercoaster ride.  Not all men do.
  • I love that you love me – I’m not easy to love a lot of the time.

These are just some of the things I love about you.  You are the best thing that happened to me.  Despite what you might think – you do things right all the time.

I love you.  Mostest.  More than Mostest.  The Most.

Decisions, Decisions

We’ve finally made the big decision. 

Our next fresh IVF will begin in February as soon as AF shows her face (well technically I’ll know exactly when to expect her cos I’m on the pill but you know what I mean).  We were going to do our next treatment in January but realistically it’s just not the right time for us.

I mean I want us to be “doing” something but I’m just not body ready right now.  And by that I mean that I’ve put on 4.5 kgs while on holiday in Plett and I really want to shed that weight before I step onto the IVF treadmill again.  Also I’ve been thinking a lot about how busy the clinic will be in January.  My new boss is probably not going to be as understanding about time out of the office as my last one was and if I have to wait for an hour or so after scanning for meds etc it will take some explaining and honestly, I really don’t want the dickhead guy to know I’m doing IVF.  Then I’m supposed to be taking over the conference centre in January as well – I just felt like I really did not need the added stress and pressure at a time when I’m supposed to be focusing on stimms, retrieval and hopefully implanting embryo’s.  February should be a stable time after the take over and also will still be quiet enough in terms of events booked so that I won’t feel guilty about taking time off when needed. 

Luckily for us we are ready in terms of finances.  We’ve been lucky enough to have been gifted with some money from Cliff’s brother and his wife as well as from my Mom for this next IVF and added to what we’ve already saved we’ve got enough to cover this next IVF and another 3/4 of one if we need it.  We’re going to continue saving where we can (even with the gifted money) so that we’ve got a nice next egg to use when we fall pregnant or if we need to plan our next treatment.

Honestly, I’m a bundle of emotion about this IVF.  I’m excited cos finally we’ll be “doing something” again.  I’m hopeful cos I really want it to work and for our journey to end.  I’m working on being faithful and thankful to God for His will.  I’m terrified I’m going to be faced with another negative.  I’m exceedingly worried about letting our family down again.  I’m anxoius that if it doesn’t work that our family who’ve given us money will feel like we’ve wasted their hard earned cash.  I’m happy cos we just might finally get to be parents.  Thankfully I got to see my therapist last night to talk about all this noise in my head and the advise she gave me was really good – she told me to try and “be in the moment” and to try not focus to much on the “end result” or varying outcomes.   

So that is what I’m trying to do, the decision is made but for now I need to get my Christmas shopping done and wrapped.  That is what this moment calls for.

Taking care of some business

Sorry I’ve been quiet, but we just had a bank holiday here in SA and I took full advantage of it by having myself a nice long weekend 😉  Still no closer to having completed the Christmas shopping but we hope to get that done sometime before Christmas… and yes internets I know I’m running out of time!  ONE WEEK TO CHRISTMAS!!!  I simply cannot believe it!  2008 had literally blasted away.

So back to taking care of the business at hand, while I was on a quiet diet, I was tagged by Babysmiling.

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Right so here we go:

1.   As a kid I used to hang my barbie dolls from a tree and pretend that they had been kidnapped and that the Ken doll had to save them.  I just LOVED the idea of Barbie being this damsel in distress being saved by her knight in shining armour. * dreamy sigh*  Sometimes though the situation would get out of hand and Ken would be too late to save his love and she would be cut down from the tree to fall to her death. (Macabre I know but I loved it)

2.  My absolute worst pet hate is when people call you and have the wrong number and JUST PUT THE PHONE DOWN.  It is NOT going to kill those ass wipes to say a simple “sorry wrong number”.  It really drives me dilly.

3.  In 12 years of schooling I went to 10 different schools.  And when one considers that from half way through Grade 8 (Std 6) to Grade 12 (Matric) I was in one school you can imagine how many times I moved schools while a lightie.  These included a stint at home schooling (not good, not good at all) as well as  a tiny German school where the only subject I passed was English – all the others were taught in German – go figure.

4.  While I worked in Egypt a few years back I came really close to being able to hold conversations with my staff in Arabic.  Tough language to learn.  But just as I was getting the hang of it my visa expired and I had to high tail it out of dodge.

5.  My Dad can wiggle his ears.  I have always wanted to be able to do that.  It would be such entertainment for our future kids (see positive thinking) but alas I did not inherit that wiggle the ear gene.  Strangely neither did my sister or half brother.  Maybe Dad is an alien?

6.  I’m pretty flexible.  Even now with the added padding I’m carrying around I am able to put my leg behind my head from a sitting position.  Great party trick.

7.  I’m also a pretty great burper.  I used to be able to burp “Supercalafragilisticexpialidosious”.  I don’t think I can do that today, but I do know that if you need someone on your side in a burping contest I’m your girl.

I suck at tagging people, so if you’re so inclined, please feel free to tag yourself!  But remember to link back to me so I can read all about your weirdness.  Come on people.  Don’t make me feel weird all on my own 😉

Then!

I was also given an award. 

everyuterushasasilverlining

A pretty special one that was created by Murgdan and given to me by my friend Sharon.  Shaz, thanks for the award.  I know my positivity can be a bit annoying at times – but everyone needs a silver lined ute at some point  in their lives – I’ll always be on hand to flash that sparkly ute for ya.  Love ya too!!!  And consider yourself gifted with this award twice over.

I would like to hand this award over to some special gals too…

Bee Cee – for showing me that determination and grit gets a girl far.  You’re in my thoughts and prayers daily my friend.  I hope with all my heart that you get your deserved prize for all the guts and grit you’ve shown on your journey.

Tam– in the short time we’ve known each other I’ve really come to call you “friend”.  You’re an incredibly strong amazing chicken.  And I thought you should be reminded of that!

Aunt Becky – you make me laugh, and laugh and laugh.  You’re such a cool chick and one day when I’m big – I wanna be cool like you.

Brenda – you’ve been a special source of  steadiness for me in my down times.  Thank you for taking the time to make me feel better even when you’ve been feeling down yourself. 

In fact to each and everyone of you who read this blog and keep me sane.  You are all my sparkly ute’s – so give yourselves a pat on the back and have a glass of wine on me.

So that concludes the business, “proper” post soon I promise!