My Monkey Bum…

This child of mine is just too precious for words.  Since I got my new phone he’s discovered the beauty of taking “selfies” with the turn around camera.  Problem is he hasn’t quite mastered the art of smiling for them 😉

Evidence…

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Time Away

I’m a firm believer in having some time to get away with your partner.  To reconnect, chat about things other than your child.  To drink wine and get a bit tipsy together.  To have an afternoon nap – guilt free!  To READ.  To cuddle.

After all we’d been through this year, my darling man booked us a night away at the Mount Grace at the beginning of the month.  All I can say is OMG.  Utter bliss. Granny and Pops came to stay over at our house and off we went.

Our room was DIVINE.  We planned to have a midnight skinny dip in the heated pool and to drink lots of red wine.  BUT first an afternoon nap NEEDED to be had.  Then a walk holding hands.  Then sundowners on the lawns in the last of the Autumn sunshine.  Then shower and dinner (where we consumed lots of red wine).  Lets just say it was BLOODY FREEZING that night.  We donned our hotel robes and ran (not to quietly) to the “heated” pool.  Heated it was not.  So with much giggles and sniggering we ran back to our rooms and rather ate chocolate on our bed and watched trashy movies…

I would HIGHLY recommend doing this as often as you can.  In fact we’re busy planning our next weekend away…

Inkage…

When Kade entered my life I knew that I wanted to do something special to remember our journey and I started toying around with the idea of getting a tattoo.

I had an idea of what I wanted but was a bit scared of getting one done.  My sister got a tat many years ago and is now trying to have it removed and the saga of removing an unwanted tat is well lets just say it’s quite hectic… So I needed to be 100% sure that what I was putting on my body would be there for EVER and that I would never want to remove it.

At the beginning of the year I plucked up the courage to ask for tattoo parlour recomendations on twitter and after getting Fallen Hero’s number and a VERY high recomendation from Nicki, I contacted them to make an appointment…  I had a consult appointment the the awesome Bryan and he then sketched my vague ideas based on some pictures I had pulled off the web and told me he’d send me a final sketch in due course… Before I left that day I booked an appointment and paid a deposit – there was NO going back!

After our lovely holiday I went to the parlour to get inked.  I was SO frigging nervous but also really excited.

I had told Bryan that I wanted a cross, a dragonfly, Kade’s name and Jer 29:11 in my ink.  I liked blue’s, greens and splashes of orange and yellow.  What he came up with is AMAZING.  I had the tat done on my left hip and I see it everyday in the shower, as I get dressed and I love, love, love it.

It is my daily reminder that God is faithful.  Jeremiah 29:11 is the verse that kept me going through seven long years of infertility.  My faith took a beating in those years and the cross was a symbol of that journey with God.  Kade’s name had to be there of course for reasons I don’t need to explain.  The dragonfly – a symbol of new life… this needed to be there to show me how Kade entering into my life, along with my faith and God’s promise to me that I was entering into a new life… the life of a mother.

Tat Resize

What do you think?

Aftermath…

It is really unreal to me that it’s been only 28 days since my miscarriage.

It seems like too short a time to have passed and yet it also feels like it’s been forever since we found out that our surprise pregnancy was ending in miscarriage.  People close to me have known when to ask if I’m ok and when to just be normal and not mention our loss.

When the miscarriage happened I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  Granted I was in the middle of a whole load of stuff but I just couldn’t believe that after our infertility journey that a surprise gift pregnancy would be “taken away” from me.  Then the pendulum would swing and I’d think to myself “well naturally it couldn’t just be easy for you Sam”.

I do think that having that Sunday after getting my death knoll beta’s the night before at church where I literally stood and cried my eyes out during praise and worship helped my heart heal a lot.  I also think having the time alone in the hospital while I was waiting for the d&c was good for me.  I got to think about and process a lot of what I was feeling.  I got to process the anger I was dealing with.  The disappointment and the resentment.

I spoke to my Kid’s church pastor at church and she said something to me that really vibrated in my being.  She told me that we’d never understand why I had to lose this pregnancy but she also said that the one thing that I must never lose sight of is how much God loves me.  That He is faithful.  I know both these things with every fibre of my being but when your heart is hurting you don’t want to hear them.  These sentiments become platitude like… and yet I felt that tug on my spirit where God was saying “trust me.  hurt as much as you need to but trust me”.  That night I prayed that God would give me peace that defied human understanding.  I prayed for this fervently.  And He gave it to me.  In abundance.  I felt His love for me in the everyday things.  And I was able to praise Him through the storm I was facing.

enjoy-every-single-moment

About a week and a half ago my obgyn called me.  The pathologist was not 100% happy with the levels of trophoblastic tissue in my d&c remains.  Dr Koll told me that there was nothing to indicate a molar pregnancy but as a precaution I would need to go for another beta to ensure that my levels were dropping appropriately.  Not really understanding it all I consulted with Dr Google and what I saw was not that reassuring.  Words like tumour, radiation, cancer flashed up on the pages seemingly with glows behind them to spark fear in my heart.

I decided to stop that fear by clicking the x on the right hand side of that Wiki page.  I decided to be still and to trust God that if this was in my path to tread, that He would get me through it.  My beta came back at 12.9 – an appropriate drop in levels.

The one thing that this pregnancy and loss has shown me in no uncertain terms is that I really do want to experience another pregnancy and I really do want to have another baby.  That we will one day become a family of four.

FAITHI wasn’t carried through seven years of infertility and several invasive tests and treatments to not be a testimony to God’s faithfulness.  I have a tattoo on my left hip which reminds me of this everyday.

So while I still have my moments of wondering why this had to happen, I choose to believe that everything will work out in the end.  I choose my own happiness.  I am so very blessed with my family, husband, son and home.  I have so much to be happy about that it drowns out the sadness I feel over our loss.

happiness

Whilst there is a part of me that is scared to “try again” in whatever way shape or form to make that second baby happen I know that I will find the strength thru Him.  The fact is I know I can do healthy pregnancy.  My little boy is living, breathing proof of that.  But.  I know that there will be a part of me that will be fearful of losing another pregnancy.  I just have to place my belief in the fact that what will be will be.  That God has my back no matter what.  That the seed He has planted in my heart to expand my family will bear good fruit.

No one wants to believe that miscarriage is *possible*.  Fact is, it is. I’ve been into the impossible.

Now I wait and focus on THE POSSIBLE.  And actually I’m ok with that.