Tuesday is a BEEG day

02 March 2010. 

Potentially the day that could heral change in my life in a way that I cannot even begin to comprehend!

There are several reasons why this day is a BEEG day.  I think if I tried hard enough I could get each and every person reading this blog to admit to something significant happening on this day cos it sure does seem quite important from where I’m sitting…. Let me list some reasons why it’s a BEEG day:

  • It’s one of my closest friend’s husband’s 41st birthday
  • It’s a good friends 14 or 15 week scan day
  • It’s my very close friends day of surgery to remove her polyps and to get her pregnant once and for all with her GIFT the following month
  • It’s the day my bank balance moves back to practically zero as all my debit orders will have gone off my account paying my bills
  • On Tuesday morning my Dad’s friend arrives with his ashes and belongings from Wales
  • I do my beta

So as you can see chaps and chappettes, Tuesday is a BEEG day.  I sure hope and pray that we end up with some good news to curtail the emotion we’ll feel at finally having Dad back on African soil…

I’m heading into the weekend, with my heart hopeful yet reeling with feelings that I cannot quite pinpoint about finally getting closure on my dad’s passing…

It’s weird, but Tuesday is a BEEG day – what is special or BEEG about Tuesday for YOU??

How a Chemical messes with your head…

… while you waiting for your results of your next treatment…

During my last 2ww I remember feeling a few “symptoms” that I thought were strange but which ultimately led me to believe with my whole heart that I was pregnant.  I was tired pretty much all the time even though I was getting enough sleep.  My breasts were tender.  I had on/off cramps for mostly the last week of the 2ww.  I had some lower back pain.  And I had a weird temperature thing going down.  My neck and shoulders would get super hot and then the heat would taper off for a while, then super hot, then taper off.  And my tummy area just above my bikini line had the same temperature thing (very clinical description don’t you think?) happening.

All of the above “symptoms” could be attributed to the progesterone I know, but at the time they were not cos of progesterone being shot into my butt daily, they *were* because something had tried to nestle into my endometrium, had started growing and then just stopped.

A lot of people are asking me how I’m feeling during this heck long wait after my GIFT.  And I know they don’t mean emotionally.  They want to know if I’m feeling any of the above symptoms that I felt last time round cos then it would give us a little clue as to whether I am indeed knocked up this time or not…

This is the thing. 

I’m not really feeling too much right now.  I am tired, but not overly so. I have the weird temperature thing happening as well.  And the odd cramp and shooting pain here and there.  That’s about it.

I am hoping that this has worked but in the back of my mind I’m not sure.  Swing, swing, swing.  Back and forth, I might be, I might not be.  I always thought it would be better to know that your body can fall pregnant, and while knowing that something happened in my ute last year does give me a certain measure of hope and comfort, it also messes with your head BIG time.

Because you automatically start looking for the same things, you start second guessing everything you’re feeling and thinking.  I kind of miss being that girl who was so dead sure of a pregnancy last year.  I  miss that I was reveling in the fact that my body was telling me in its own subtle way that I was close to creating a life.  And that this time, I am not sure at all.  This time I am close to driving myself to an insane asylum.

I guess there is only one way to get through the next 6 days – one little bite of the elephant at a time.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I don’t know about you guys but I regularly get the need to change-up the way I’ve decorated my home. 

I just get a bit bored with the colours I’ve chosen in the past and feel the need to make a change every now and then.  I don’t do big stuff like paint the walls everytime and change all the pictures, paintings and furniture and stuff like that, but I do the little things that can be reasonably cheaply done  like change-up the cushions on the couch, buy a new throw, a new ornamental vase or the like.

I’ve been wanting to change up the lounge for a while now, so I decided on Sunday after meeting a friend for breakfast that the old throw and cushions HAD to go.  My old throw used to be a dusty off cream colour and had truthfully seen much better days.  My old cushions were striking red. 

After much interior design discussion and some major walking (sorry buddy) around this is what we came up with

I’ve still got some refining to do and need to pull that divine blue colour into other items in the room to make it all come together (as my wise friend stated via text yesterday – yes I mms’ed her for her opinion) but it’s nice and fresh and new.

And it’s taken some of my mind off this wait I’m in.  So out with the old and in with the new!

Weird Ass Dreams!

First off – Hello to any ICLW’ers – nice to “meet ya”.  I’m busy with my 3ww after a GIFT and might come across as slightly irrational or whacko this week – forgive me I’m actually rather sane and rational most days 😉

Right, so onto the severely weird ass dreams I’ve been having.  As much as I’ve been trying to stay calm and rational and have been trying to take the 3ww one day at a rational time, it’s clear to me that my subconscious has a completely different approach to this waiting period.  And it’s also clear to me that as much as I ‘ve been saying I’m fine and in control I’m obviously a lot more stressed than even I care to admit…

Weird ass dream number one:  This one occurred on Friday night.  I cannot completely remember how it went but I know it had something to do with walking in a forest and finding a baby hiding in a tree – when I tried to save this baby it, I don’t know “misted up” into pretty little blood droplets… Cue waking up at approx 03h30 with my heart racing…

Weird ass dream number two:  This one was naturally on Saturday night.  I remember dreaming that I had woken up in the middle of the night absolutely DESPERATE to pee.  I stumbled to the bathroom and did my thing.  When I wiped I saw (how I don’t know cos it was still dark) these long strings of french shaped lace blood globs coming out my vagina.  (sorry I know that’s a pretty grim picture) I could feel my heart skip a beat and I called to Cliff, crying that this GIFT had not worked.  He came into the bathroom and with his face a mere inch or so away from mine started screaming at me “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” over and over until I woke up at approx 03h00 with my heart racing…

Weird ass dream number 3:  This one happened yesterday afternoon during my afternoon nap.  For some reason we were at my Aunt’s house in Durban and Cliff and I were arguing over some mundane bloody thing.  It was so mundane that I really can’t even remember what it was, I think it was over a special blanket/duvet/covering or something which he wanted to put on our bed but I would not allow him to cos it was boiling hot and it was not needed.  Somehow the argument reached a crescendo and I screamed at him “just do whatever you want” at which he sprinted up the stairs and flung himself off the balcony of my Aunt’s house… I woke up as he was just about to hit terra firma with my heart racing… 

Now I am not huge into reading too much into my dreams etc – I believe that dreams normally manifest out of your experiences that day and whilst I do remember a great deal of my dreams many people don’t.

I do however think these weird ass dreams are telling me that I need to calm myself.  I need to centre myself and I need to keep focused on the “get through each day” goal. 

Last night before I went to bed, I prayed over myself, I asked for a peaceful sleep and thankfully I got it – no weird ass dream last night… I’m hoping to keep this new no weird ass dream trend going…

It went well

Driving to the clinic last Saturday I looked out of the car window and was just thinking about what we were about to do.  Cliff has his sample in his pocket and he was ready, I was ready.  I was silently praying to God that He be with us during the procedure that that His will be done in this cycle (and praying that His will was a positive outcome of course).  A song started playing on the car radio which brought tears to my eyes.  It’s called “This is your moment” and the words really touched a cord with me and the prayer I had just prayed.

It was a quiet day at the theatre – only one other GIFT patient and one ER patient.  Our doctor is just amazing.  It was not his weekend to work in the theatre but he made sure to come past on Saturday morning to ensure that I was good and to check my bloods one last time to make the final decision as to how many eggs to put back.  Then I waited for the other GIFT patient to get done and dusted and it was my turn to be wheeled into the theatre.  The doctor who did my procedure was also just as wonderful as my treating doctor is.  He held my hand and stroked my arm and when I said that from one lefty to another I knew I was in good hands he told me that we would work some lefty magic that day.  And out I went.

My body worked to it’s usual trend.  We got a total of 9 eggs this time.  From my excellent stim this time round I was expecting a few more but had told myself to be happy with 9 – by body has been producing one less egg per fresh treatment we’ve done and I knew that I should work towards this trend.  So 9 eggs it was.  We put the best 5 eggs and fresh good sperm back into my left fallopian tube.  After the procedure Lawrence came to chat to me and said it had all gone very well.  The eggs looked good as did the sperm.  He wished us all the best and made sure that we knew that the 4 left over that would be IVF’ed were not the priority in this treatment.  The priority were the 5 eggs that were put back where they belonged and where it was most natural for them to be.

I battled with a lot of shoulder and chest pain from the gas over the weekend and really only just got rid of the last vestiges of the gas today.

I had my second intralipid drip on Monday and again I sat next to a girl who was having her third drip because she had just found out she was pregnant.  On Monday I checked up on our 4 left over eggs and found out that of the 4 only 3 had fertilized on Sunday but by Monday none of them had made it.  Now I would not be human if I did not admit that the fact that none of our embies made it has made me a little nervous.  What if none of the eggs inside me fertilized and made it either?  I know I should not be thinking this way and it’s best for the eggs to be inside my body as opposed to to an unnatural environment like a laboratory but what if?  I’m hoping that my Mom was right when she said that we would not need those 3 little embies cos this GIFT was going to work.

I know that techinically I should not be feeling anything right now cos realistically if this was IVF my embies would only be transferred tomorrow and implantation would only be taking place on Friday or Saturday if it is going to take place.

I think the hardest part of having a GIFT is the uncertainty of it all.  You have NO idea if your eggs fertilized.  You have NO idea if they did fertilize if your embryo’s are still growing and flourishing.  You’re knocked out when the action happens and all you seem to have to show for it is gas related pain and a grotesque belly button – well at least my belly button looks grotesque after 4 lap cuts into it… *sigh*

And the worst part about having a GIFT as opposed to IVF is that the wait to test day is not a 2ww – it’s an 18 day wait!  Pure unadulterated torture! I’m doing my best to stay positive and to believe that this one could be THE one, but I’m battling.  I’m doing my best to believe that God knows what He’s doing, but I’m battling.  I honestly don’t think I have the strength left in me to do this again if this is not the one that gives us a positive beta and healthy pregnancy.

But only time will tell.  In the mean time I guess I’ll try to keep myself busy and just get myself through one day at a time and see how it goes when we test.  I’m still hoping despite my battles against the negativity in my head that I’ll have good news to share with my Dad when we send him off on the 06th March.  Please God let this be the one, I’m begging you.