Changes of Time

I did a bit of a spring clean a couple of weekends back and I found an old ID photo envelope in one of my files.  I found 4 photo’s of myself from various stages of my life.

It’s funny to see how much I’ve changed in the years. 

(Picture quality is not great – photo of photo’s with my cellphone!)

Top left hand photo I cannot believe how LONG my hair is!  This was taken just before I went to Egypt to work so about 12 years ago.  I also look so much like one of my cousins in this photo it’s scary!

Top right hand photo was taken about a year after we got married.  It was for my new ID book and I was so happy cos I was sure that we would soon be pregnant and a family of 3… boy how wrong was I?

Bottom left hand side was taken about 3 years ago – I was in the midst of my battle with my weight due to IF treatments.  I’ve really found that in the last 3 years my weight has been my nemisis in relation to IF.  One minute I’m chubby of the world (check out my chipmunk cheeks) then the next I’m “normal” again…

Bottom right?  I can’t remember when this was taken but I particularly like my hair in this one so think I might go back to that colour and style.  This photo must have been taken sometime soon after we got married and started ttc cos I look way too happy in it for it to have been a more recent one…

And just for kicks and cos I like this photo of us so much, I’m posting one of what I look like RIGHT NOW.  This one was taken at my twin aunt’s surprise 60th birthday party this past weekend…

How often do you notice the changes of time?

Advertisements

Six Years

Life is funny. 

I remember when I was in my early twenties and living the life of a single girl – fun and fancy free and loving every minute of it.  But even then I would often wonder when God would send me the man who would be my partner for life.  And then I met you. 

Admittedly our first encounter was not ideal (stomache in boobs out ladies) and whilst I pretended to think you were a bit of an arse, I felt an attraction to you that had nothing to do with the tequila I’d drunk that night.

Dating you came naturally.  Meeting your family came naturally -although per your usual style a tad nerve wracking for me as you took me to your nephew’s birthday party then ditched me with your Mom to go and jump on the jumping castle.  Introducing you to my family came naturally – although I’m sure you sweated bullets when my Dad asked what your intentions with me were that first weekend…

Being asked to be your wife was an experience of note.  And walking down that isle six years ago to pledge my life to you was the best thing I’ve ever done.

You infuriate me.  You inspire me.  You drive me masugar.  You love me.   You fight with me.  You care for me. 

Most of all though You bless me daily in so many ways. 

I love you Cliff.  Happy 6th Anniversary.

xxx

The Way It Goes…

Reasons why I am considering trying IVF again sometime:

  • Cliff will be an amazing Dad
  • To experience pregnancy
  • Once pregnant I can’t wait to spend evenings with my husband feeling our child move in my tummy
  • My Mom deserves to be a Granny to more than one child
  • Cliff’s Mom deserves to be a Granny to HIS child
  • Gummy smiles I see from my friends kids absolutely melt my heart
  • My niece thinks I’d be a cool Mom and that’s gotta count for something
  • To decorate a nursery
  • The clothes – have you *seen* how cute they are?
  • To hear my child call for me when they are sick and to know that only *I* can make it better
  • The laughs and giggles that can’t get any better
  • To look into my childs eyes and know that they know they are LOVED, so very, very loved
  • To see my current babies (my Saff’s and Jazz) protect and guard my new baby
  • To experience Mother’s Day without tears and sadness
  • To experience Father’s Day without guilt and torment
  • To share my love for reading with someone innocent
  • Delight in my children who see the world through such unjaded eyes
  • We had a chemical before – that’s got to mean that it might go all the way for us at some point right?

I could go on for ever and ever….

Reasons why I might consider stopping this madness for good:

  • This hurts both of us so much in so many ways

A wonderful bunch!

As always I’m a tad late on the mark here, but you know that they say about “African time”…

I started this blog in 2008 as an outlet to my thoughts and emotions relating to our journey to a family and through it was thrown quite literally into a world where I was meeting like-minded people who understood where I was coming from and who knew not to tell me to “relax” and who knew that telling me stories of their auntie’s cousin’s friends twice removed cousin who “just adopted and when they stopped thinking about it, she fell pregnant”.

It was also a time when I started reading JJ’s blog.   It took me a while to get the hang of this blogging thign and it was a further while after that, that I plucked up the courage to click on the Braces bunch logo on her blog and found a whole new group of wonderful people to connect with and to become “friends” with.  Being part of the Braces bunch is totally cool (even though I miss most of the twitter action cos of the time differences between SA and the US) and I’ve connected with some really amazing women who inspire and lift me up daily.  Cos when I’m feeling sad or have just had bad news and I open my post box I see a cool envelope and just know that someone far away was thinking of me.   Someone in another country took time out of their busy schedule to remember me and to send me a word of encouragement or make me smile.

That’s something special.  I am SO grateful to be a part of it. 

My daily blessing card said this today:

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves ~ J.M Barrie

And that I think pretty much sums up what this group of women and our founder means to me.

BB girls – you rock!  Happy 3rd Birthday Bunchers!  Here’s to many more years of support and love for each other.

When words are failing you…

You do a rather insipid post to keep your blog “alive”, apologies for this lacklustre post in advance!

Thank you to each and every one of you who voted and commented on my last post – much appreciated.  After many discussions we have decided to BOTH go on the trip although I do have to set the record straight – many of you thought this was a nice romantic re-connect with each other trip.  It’s going to be fun and divine as we’ll be in Knysna over the Oyster festival but it most certainly won’t be “just the two of us”.  We’ll be there with Cliff’s brother, his wife and their two kids so whilst it will be good to get away from it all, it will hardly be the romantic re-connect you’ve all got going on in your heads… Record straight 😉

We had a bit of a weekend with sick dogs.  Firstly on Friday our labby started puking at 04hoo in the morning, I got up bleary eyed to clean up the sick and to make sure she was ok.  Thankfully she was ok after her little purge.  We had dinner with friends on Saturday evening and when we got back and fed the hounds we noticed that our jack russel did not eat hers with her usual gusto.  Cue 01h00 in the morning and a sick, whiny, trying to be pukey dog.  We were up all night rubbing her little tummy and trying to ease her pain.  I insisted that we take her to the vet cos about 3 years ago something similar happened and we did not take her right to the vet and we ended up having to have the vet operate on her to dislodge a palm nut that had got stuck in her gut.  I was not taking any chances with my baby!  So off to the vet we toodled.  After much puking, an x-ray and an exorbitant vets bill later we were told that our little nunu is full of shit.  Quite literally.  She’s got some stuck in the end of her colon that have hardened into little balls surrounded by gas and that’s why she’s a misery.  We’ve been giving her some doggy laxative but it’s not working yet and I’ve been up since 03h00 this am with the poor thing again. 

I hope it works soon, I really can’t stand to see her so docile and in pain.  She really IS my little baby. 

Other than that, not much else going down in the land of Sam.  Still taking it one day at a time and working on getting to a place of healing and hope slowly but surely.

Hope you are all well and happy!

Money Monster

Move over Bride of Frankenstein – there’s a new monster bitch in town and it’s the Money Monster!  Yours truly in case you were wondering.

One of the things that scares me most about facing our 6th big ART treatment besides the possibility of facing yet another negative result is the financial outlay we are going to have to commit to yet again.

I’m sure you’ll all agree with me wholeheartedly on this one.  Fertilty treatment is DAMN EXPENSIVE!  I’ve always been of the opinion that it will all be worth it in the end, when we hold our child(ren) in our arms that no amount of money would matter.  But the fact is that you are spending huge amounts of money on a slight chance that you might at long last pull the long straw.  We have been so blessed in the last 6 years of our journey because we have been lucky enough to have financial help from family but if I’m really honest I can see how this pipe dream is seriously making a dent in our lives (and pockets).

Those of you who know me in real life will know that I used to have the philosphy of “it’s just money” however in the last two years through a series of events that have occured I’ve become “the money monster”.  I watch literally every penny that I earn and budget it down to *the* last cent in order to ensure that we can afford IVF.  If it’s luxury it’s quite simply out of the question.  I gave up an extremely well paying  job (but a highly unsatifactory one) to work where I am working now but that came with a pay cut.  I’ve cut all luxuries in my life out so that I can still carry my load of the bills and put a small (very small) amount of money away to afford a chance at being a mother.  No more pedicures (can do that at home myself), no more painting, no more unecessary food stuff, no more constant entertaining, not a lot of eating out allowed anymore, no more, no more, no more…  We rely on tax refunds, bonuses etc to pay for our treatment and I watch every cent like a freaking hawk cos I.cannot.be.in.the.place.of.not.being.able.to.afford.another.treatment.

I hate being this person, this money monster who is so hectic about money.  I saw what worrying about money does to a marriage first hand with my folks.  I don’t want to be this person but I also can’t help myself.  When I look back at the nearly R200 000.00 we’ve spent on treatment alone not counting the probable R50 000.00 to R60 000.00 on therapy, reflexology, acupuncture etc I want to vomit. 

But I also know that if we do ever get this right that money will be worth nothing in my life.

Now here is where I need advise.  The husband wants to spend a substantial amount of money on a trip for the two of us.  He will be taking part in a mountain bike race and I will be waiting for him to come in and we’ll maybe have one or two nice dinners while we are there. 

I just cannot get it out my head that this trip, while it will be really nice, is a luxury.  We can go away to nice places locally that won’t cost us as much and will be just as nice, in fact nicer cos we’ll actually be spending proper quality time together.

I’ve suggested he go on his own.  He wants us both to go. 

I feel that flights for both of us are complete luxury and just can’t bring myself to spend a quarter of a treatment’s worth of money for 3 days.

So, if you have a moment please take part in my very first poll and also leave any wise words of wisdom for a “money monster” on how to find the balance in this all below in the comments.

Shattered

Oh heart of mine

You lie there shattered

With no way of being fixed

It’s been too much

Way too fast

And before I can pick up the pieces

From the previous shattering

You shatter again

Its like a rollercoaster that I can’t get off of

Be still my shattered heart

So that slowly

Slowly

You can heal