Say What?

I don’t know about you guys but those word verification thingi’s really irritate the crap out of me.  I know and completely understand why people choose to use them – but personally they just annoy me. 

That being said I have seen some pearlers of late and thought I would put definitions to them – cos that’s how I roll… so here are the words that word verification spits at us with my own creative infertility slanted definitions…

aggin

We try aggin and aggin to fall pregnat

bedio

the place we WISH our conceptions would take place after all

hinsit

what we all wish we had in this journey - hinsit which is 20/20

narco

What we feel like when all pumped full of menopur

osicti

We wish we get O, sic ti at the end of a treatment cos it means BFP!

pacien
what we all lack on this journey! No more hurry up and wait for us!

What word verification pealers have you seen?  And have you ever tried to make up definitions like I did?

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Freaky Bleeding

I’m have been approaching my upcoming IVF with a sense of calm and am making sure that I don’t allow myself get bogged down by it all.  BUT.  I started having some feelings of anxiety creep in this week, not cos I’m freaked out about the procedure itself but because at this stage of the game with only 7 days left of birth control pills left to take, I am still bleeding from my last cycle and when I started the pill in the first place.  I’ve never had a break through bleed while on the pill.  Never.

So considering that I was on CD 13 on Monday and still bleeding (not heavy at all – more like medium spotting – but red and enough to warrant use of a tampon) I sent my FS an email asking him if this was normal and wondering (cos you all know that I’m a qualified FS right? [not!]) if I needed to head in for a scan and bloods to check what my ever weird body was doing.  I would hate for this to delay the cycle now that we’ve decided to move ahead, blah blah fish paste…

This is what he mailed in response:

The breakthrough bleeding that you are currently experiencing is not a matter of concern. It is quite common,  30% of patients going onto the pill in preparation for ART will experience varying degrees of breakthrough bleeding, especially the PCO patients. The issue is to ignore it and continue taking the pill. If the bleeding persists throughout the packet we shall scan on the 2nd day after having finished the pill.”

So it seems that it’s all above board and that the anxiety I had started to allow myself to feel was all for naught anyway.  I’ve decided to not let it bother me (it is irritating though, I mean come on 15 days of bleeding?  Just bugger off already AF and come back again when you’re supposed to for gosh sakes!) and just take it one day at a time all the while merrily popping my little white birth control pill and doing my utmost to maintain the feeling of Zen that I’ve got going on… *in with the good, out with the bad, in with the good, out with the bad*

It’ll be interesting to see how long it lasts.

There’s No Place Like Home

Last week I was travelling for business. 

I left late on Tuesday evening and arrived in Cape Town late that night.   I had been pre-prepared to expect the sound of a train at about 04h30 but after arriving late at night and not being familiar with the bed and the sounds of the flat I was staying at freaking me out (trees’ branches were scraping the windows – very eerie) I only fell asleep at about 02h00 and then this train comes rattling past my window and in my confusion I thought it was the office lady arriving for work and banging on the door.  So picture it, I jump out of the bed, bang my head on the TV stand, race downstairs, and open the door to fresh air – only then did I realised that it was the bloody train making that racket.  I spent the whole day in meetings and doing store visits and then finally got home to kick up my heels to realise that my options of TV viewing were extremely limited.  Thankfully I got a good night’s rest and Thursday was busy, busy, busy rushing from store to store then battling traffic to get to the airport to fly to Durban.  I again landed late and was collected by my friend Mich’s husband.  What a nice time I had with her.  It was SO good to catch up and meet her little miracle.  Then off to the Pavilion shopping centre it was to do store visits with my Durban team and then back to the airport where my flight was delayed by two hours! 

Everyone always thinks that travelling for business is so glam and fun – and while I do admit it *can* be for the most part I’ve realised that I’m a home body, I love my bed and my pillows, I love my DSTV, I love being around my husband (even tho I sometimes want to kill him) and I love being with my hounds.

It’s so true my friends – there truly is no place like home.

Jumbled Up

My emotions are jumbled up.  BIG time.  I’m incredibly sad.  I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m confused.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  And many others that I’m battling to articulate right now.

Sharon’s miscarriage has really sucker punched me.  I’ve always made no bones about the fact that I love God and that I pray to Him.  When Martiza was going through her GIFT, I prayed for her and Jerry often.  And I got a sense of peace and love when I prayed for them.  I *knew* it was going to be a successful treatment for them.  I just knew.  Then came Shaz’s turn.  I got that same feeling of peace and love when I prayed for her and W.  So in turn I *knew* her FET was going to be positive too. 

Then she got her positive test, I changed my prayers for her and W.  I changed them to prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy.  I felt peace for them.  And I felt like this was the one that would go all the way.  I just thanked Him for answering so many of our prayers and thanked Him for the baby that would be testament to His Grace.  And I have to say that I am SO shaken that my feelings were so wrong.  How could I have misread the feelings I felt I was getting from the Holy Spirit?  Was I just so eager for it to be what I wanted that I was fabricating those feelings?

Then I have to admit that  we’ve decided to move ahead with our next fresh IVF in November.  We based this decision on a couple of things.  Number 1, that there is no good time to head into treatment.  There will always be *something* to hold you back.  Number 2, Cliff wanted to do it sooner rather than wait.  This man has done enough stuff over the last 5 years for me when I wanted them that I could not deny him this (and in my heart of hearts I wanted to move ahead too so it was kinda a no brainer but anyway) and Number 3 that when I prayed about this decision I got a sense of calm and peace about moving ahead with this treatment in November.  The worry is creeping in cos now it seems like my discernment of the peace and calm might not be as spot on as I thought it was.  I might have forced myself to think I was feeling it cos I wanted to feel it.  The thing is I still feel it when I pray about it now.  So now I’m confused.  But excited and hopeful too.  See?  All jumbled up.

I’m trying so hard to not let the fear that is stemming from the hurt I feel for my friend overwhelm me.  I need to get my head right.  I need to get into the place where I can allow my hope and faith to open my body up to the possiblity that I can be on the receiving end of this miracle.  Its hard.  But I’m trying.

Heartbreak

*sigh* 

All I can ask is WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY…

It’s not bloody fair, sometimes this Universtity of hard knocks that we get to attend damn well sucks.  My heart is breaking for you my sweet friend.  For you and your wonderful husband.  Cos this makes so bloody sense at all. 

Just know that I’m here for you.  Through everything. 

Please give my friend Sharon some love.  She needs it.