Lately I’ve been allowing myself to dream. To dream what it would feel like to actually be pregnant. Dream of how I would feel, how happy we’d be. Thrashing out baby names, fighting about how we’re going to decorate the nursery and most of all about deciding to find out the sex of the baby or not.
Sometimes the dreams that I allow myself threaten to overwhelm me and fill me with such an intense feeling of foreboding, cos why am I allowing myself to dream of something that I am not even sure is going to happen? Surely I should dream about the staircase we’re planning on ripping out and rebuilding rather than a figment of my imagination?
But sometimes these dreams I’m allowing myself also give me a glimpse of what can be, of what will be, should we be strong enough and faithful enough to see this race through. And that fills me with love and happiness.
So I’ll allow them for a while longer and keep on hoping that soon they’ll not just be a figment of my wildest imagination but just as tangible as that staircase we’re building.
We had another cool girls night out last night! So much fun and laughter and shinanigans. Nights out like this are really good for my soul…
Hehe, check out my “doffie” facial expression in the last photo! Sometimes I just can’t control that face of mine… Dork!!
Now that we’ve been given the go ahead for our IVF and we’ve told the internet and select RL friends and family, it seems that the burning question is “are you excited?”. Hmmm.
On one hand yes I can honestly say I am excited. I’m excited that we’re finally off the break that we took. I’m excited that we again have a chance at realising our dream of becoming parents. But it’s a reserved excitement. It is not the excitement that I felt going into my first IVF where I was farting rainbows and super sure it was going to work first time cos you know, I deserved that deal. It’s an excitement that is wrapped in cotton wool – muffled and treated carefully lest it decide to jump out and go way wire.
On the other hand, I’m… I guess I would call it ambivilent. Yes I want to get the IVF on the road but I’ve found that this time round I’m not working out expected due dates of my possible offspring, I’m not working feverishly to have plan B, C, D and E all worked out before hand in case of a negative result. I mean, realistically if this next IVF is not *the* one, then I know that my back up plan is either FET or another fresh IVF. I know that miracles do happen, and that people fall pregnant between treatments all the time, but realistically? I know that my chances of that happening are super slim to none.
My approach to this IVF has also been very different to our first one. With our first one I cut out all alcohol for 6 months, I exercised like a demon, lost 15kg’s, did reflex, did acupuncture and pretty much did everything that could be expected to be done to prepare for an IVF. With this IVF I’m still allowing myself the odd glass of wine, I’m exercising but certainly not like a demon and those 15kg’s that I shed last year – well let’s just suffice it to say that some of those kg’s found their way back to my ass and thighs and well they’re not going anywhere fast… I’m not expecting too much of this cycle actually.
Do I want it to work? Of course! Do I think it might be the one that makes me a mommy (finally)? Sometimes. I guess that I feel like I’m a whole lot more balanced heading into this IVF cycle. I feel more like myself, I am not putting this undue pressure on myself to make it work. And I have to say that I think it shows in my marriage leading up to this IVF. We’ve not had a major arguement now heading on for 3 weeks and counting. We’re a lot more relaxed with each other and we’re a lot more relaxed about this IVF.
I guess that comes with experience (which honestly I would much rather not have gained but hey, se le vi right?)
So yes, I am excited, but just not in a farting rainbow kinda way.
*Huge sigh of relief*
A while back I emailed my darling doc to let him know that we’ve had enough of this taking a break thing and that we were ready to jump back into the IVF saddle in February of 2009 and asked him if there was anything I should do in preparation for the upcoming big deal… He mailed me back and asked that I come in on my January cycle for a quick scan and blood work update to ensure that my PCOS ovaries are still behaving themselves and for Cliff to do a swim up and morph to ensure that all is well on his side…
So on Tuesday we both woke up before sparrows fart and headed off for the clinic. It sounds silly but I was nervous, I mean I know the deal right – put name on list, go to McDonalds on the corner of Rivonia road and order tea to drink while you wait for the scanning to start. Get name called, walk into scan room, pop off panties, hop on bed, say hi to dildocam and doc, scan, hop off bed, wipe, put on panties and head out for further instructions right. AND I knew my ovaries were behaving cos well duh, I’ve been on the pill to ensure they are not partying it up in there! Anyway, I digress, went in for my scan – lining 3.8, quiet on the left, quiet on the right. Right Sam start clometephine Day 4 – HOLD THE BUS!!!! Major confusion ensued as I explained we were just there for the pre IVF check – and then major panic as I had to check with Cliff if he did want to start right away ( I mean the option was being handed to us on the plate there chaps, it warranted a discussion while I wiped the goo at least). We finally decided that we’re moving ahead as originally planned.
Cliff’s SA has come back good too, so right now internets marks the beginning of the count down to fresh IVF # 2! ONe more pack of BCP and then we’re heading into this water again… Expect the ride to start 09th or 10th Febuary 2009!!!
Over the festive season my dear friend of 19 years ( let me check my math again – 14 years out of school, were friends for 5 years in school – YES 19 YEARS – GO ME!!!) came to visit her home country. We got to spend some great quality time together on Boxing day and well, honestly? We drank copious amounts of champers together…
On the way home to drop them at her sisters home (Cliff was sober and driving – good boy, here’s your cookie) her husband took some photo’s of us… and we obliged by posing and playing the fool…. Well, nuff said! Evidence that clearly champers makes me tiddly!!!
Big up to fellow wordpress blogger Michael for giving me the heads up! Some loser has been stalking wordpress bloggers and literally reposting their posts on his own Blogger blog… *sigh*
Check it out!
Sounds vaguely familiar no? I have left him a scathing comment as well as reported him to Blogger but come on – seriously? Why on earth would you start a blog if you can’t find anything orginal to say? I know that as bloggers we put ourselves and our thoughts, words etc out there for losers like this to find and use but seriously? Surely there is something that can be done to stop blatant plagerism like his? Has anyone else ever had an experience like this and what did you do to stop it from happening again? (Other than reporting the ass wipe and leaving a scathing comment?)
Assvise welcome on this one Internets!