2 Sides to Every Story

Ok so I promise this will most likely be the last you hear of the friend saga… 😉

She called me last night so that we could talk this whole thing out.  She was pretty upset that I called her the night before and “basically shat me out”.  She has been feeling like I have not been putting enough effort into our friendship and that I have not been forthcoming with information about what is going on in my life with the IVF etc.  She told me that although it might look to me like her life is perfect cos she has kids but that she has other problems to deal with and that her life is far from perfect.  She also told me that she did not ask questions and enquire about the IVF cos she did not want me to feel pressured and had assumed that I had a great support system already and did not really need her to be harping on about it as well.  (As it is I did have a fantastic support – our families, you guys, some close friends, we were so very blessed)  She told me that although she never asked about our IVF, she was thinking of me througout and was praying for us throughout the process.  She told me that she also feels that because she does not know enough about the process that she asks silly or stupid questions.  She was very upset that I did not invite her to my 30th birthday party and felt like I was wanting us to drift apart in our friendship cos I did not call her or text her or invite her to my party… 

If I am brutally honest with myself I can admit that I have not put a lot of effort into the friendship in the last few months.  I *have* been pretty self absorbed (rightly so of course but I can understand where she came from after we chatted), and have been focused on my life and our IVF and our grief after the BFN…  I have not really been putting much effort cos I felt like I was not going to share details about our journey with her if she did not ask, it seemed to me that she was disinterested so I never shared with her.  I told her last night that I would much rather have stupid questions that show her interest in what is happening in my life than nothing.  I also told her that I guess I never invited her to my 30th cos I thought she would not be bothered to come cos our friendship was clearly drifting apart.

Seems to me that this whole debacle is a clear cut case of miscommunication.

Both of us agreed that we did not want to see our friendship in the gutter (I was her maid of honor for gosh sakes and am honorary auntie to her kids) and that we were both in the wrong for what had transpired between us in the last couple of months.  We agreed that we needed to nurture the friendship more and both make more of an effort if we wanted to continue being friends.

So for now our friendship is in the process of getting back on track.  We’ll see how it goes…


11 thoughts on “2 Sides to Every Story

  1. So how do you feel about it now Sam?
    I agree, miscommunication indeed.
    Just one thing, don’t ever apologize for being self absorbed, those are the last two words I would EVER use to describe you. And besides, anybody walking this path would understand why sometimes a little bit of selfishness/self absoption/self preservation is necessary.

    I hope that you guys and work it all out.


  2. Again, just shows why I’m so proud of you! You really stood up for yourself and your friendship. F took that step when the ball was in her court. Now you can both work at making sure the friendship stays afloat. Yay Sam!


  3. I am working with a new concept….balance. This means acknowledging the ‘bad stuff’ for how it has served us and shaped us as people. Every @#$% situation has something that molds us in some way. Does that make sense?y

    But WOW. I think you handled the first conversation with her wonderfully. I wish I could be as brave in a situation like that. I normally just leave it.

    Well done Courageous Sam!


  4. You must have been soooo relieved!!! I’m so happy she called back. There’s nothing worse than wondering what went wrong! I’m so glad she called and you guys talked it out.


  5. good for you guys!
    I think making the choice to be better at communicating is wonderful. It really is so very hard to be a friend to a women dealing with infertility. I mean we basically have to train our friends how to support us. Looks like you have a friend worth training!


  6. What a rough patch this is for you and your friend. Maybe your friend needs help with how to help you? I organized a support group and pamphlet for loved ones of those who suffer from Infertility. The right and wrong questions to ask. I don’t know how you can suggest this but maybe she could go here: http://www.hannah.org/supporting.htm I think it really touches on how to support a friend. I hope this doesn’t ruin a good friendship…infertility takes so much from us….don’t let it take anything else. Take care!


  7. I’ve had really similar issues with a friend of mine with kids, and it’s hard cuz there’s parts of us that have just grown apart, but parts I wish hadn’t but know the infertility was a factor. We’ve both changed and there’s a lot going on, and it’s hard not to let this stuff get into it and mess with friendships.


  8. Pingback: Been thinking… « Communiqué

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