Been thinking…

I was working merrily yesterday and all of a sudden I get a msn pop up from an old friend”wanting to chat… I did not really think anything of the whole situation until later last night.

This is the friend who I had a little spat with a while back (read about it here and here) and while we have been trying to make the friendship work, due to the fact that she lives so far away and that our lives are in such different places the friendship we have now is more like a “hi how ya doing” kind of friendship than a deep one where we share everything.  Also there have been a couple of instances where I’ve been left thinking “WTF just happened?” in recent times that have also got me thinking…

The first WTF moment was shortly after I’d found out that our last fresh IVF had failed and I was crying (I don’t cry very often so this is BIG) and she called me to chat and find out how life is.  I thought I had pulled myself together enough to chat to her but she could hear that I had been crying and asked what was up.  I told her that my last IVF had not worked and that I was pretty upset.  She then crapped all over me for not telling her we had done an IVF and then proceeded to tell me that she’s so sorry but she had to go cos she was at her son’s prospective pre-school for an open day and it was due to start in 2 minutes.  WTF right?  Why call someone for a long chat if you’ve only got 5 minutes to spare and once that person tells you her heart is breaking hang up on her?  Crikey!  Maybe I’m from a different planet, but in my world we don’t do that here…  But I left it.  It was important for her to be there to see the school she wanted her son to attend and I do understand that I am not the be end to end all…

Then about three weeks ago I get this call from her out of the blue – I was in a meeting so missed the call but she had left no message.  I called her back and we had a long chat about life and how things were for each of us.  She then says to me oh I’m actually in Joburg this weekend and would like to meet for coffee – how about tomorrow… Um hello?  Last minute anyone?  I was working over that weekend and had made other plans as well so could not meet up with her and when I told her that she sounded all peeved at me.  I asked her why she left it to last minute to tell me she was coming and she told me that it was a very spontaneous trip to Jhb for her neices christening.  Alarm bells ring for anyone else?  I don’t know how it all works (not being a Mom myself yet) but I’m pretty sure that when you plan a kids christening a little more preplanning than one or two days goes into it right?   This experience just left a sour taste in my mouth and I was really annoyed at the fact that she expected me to drop all my plans and just meet her for coffee cos she had deigned to call me at last minute for a catch up.  But I left it.  I mean it *can* happen that her anal type A sister in law would not have planned her babies christening in advance right?

Cue the msn conversation of yesterday, which stared well with the how you doings and what’s news and all, then turned all chirpy and telling me that she’s looking into getting a job cos her kids are bigger now and she needs the stimulation;  but that she really just wants to see what’s out there and does not want to waste time with agency interviews if the market is bad,  and gosh she’s been out the loop so long can I suggest anything to her??  Of course I’m going to help a mate out and so gave her a load of suggestions of job sites to look at etc and hey ho, sorry she’s gotta go – kids need to get to swimming and time to toodles, kbyenow…

The more I’ve thought about this friendship, the more I come to the conclusion that this is looking pretty one sided.  I’m cool to chat to when she’s got 3 minutes to spare in her hectic shedule (which I get I really do, I know life gets busy and hectic), and good for a last minute hook up, and good for work suggestions but when push comes to shove, and I need her (failed IVF and crying – crying for gosh sakes honest to goodness tears and sobs for crying out loud) it’s inconvenient.

And while I don’t want her out of my life exactly, it’s just that I’m not really prepared to put in the effort I have been until such time as it’s recipricated.  I’ve got wonderful friends out there who give as well as take – and they are the ones who deserve my love and energy.  Cos that is what I get back from them in return.

What you say internet?  Good decision or bad decision?

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21 thoughts on “Been thinking…

  1. Totally in agreement. A friendship has two sides and it seems like she only wants you at her convenience.

    You’ve got lots of people who can be friends with you the way that you deserve.

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  2. You know Sam, in life you outgrow things. Your bike, your favourite pink dress, eventually your toys and you move on to what suits you better. This goes the same for friends, when boys and giggles where what mattered , you had your friend there with you, because she got that part of your life, then you moved on to bigger things, settled down got married…….and she had the kids. Your struggles are not the same as hers and because of the really shitty hand the has been dealt, you have had to ” get a grip ” and honestly in her mind she cannot understand what it is like to be you. Every thing in your life looks so perfect to her and she just cant see what the “fuss” is all about.

    Simple you have outgrown her, and you have wonderful friends around you, that lift you up and actually hear your heart break before you even realise it has broken. You are a good person, with a beautiful heart, and my opinion isthat you don’t need the extra crap in your life.

    Sorry for the long winded comment.

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  3. I have to agree with Tracey, she was a good friend by the sounds of things, but you have both grown and your paths have changed.
    I had a very fertile friend who i supported through her pregnancy, but when i had my m/c last yr, she told me i didn’t deserve to be a mother…okay we had a little disagreement but seriously you dont say that to someone who has been ttc for 1.5 yrs. Then the next day she asked me to lend her R200.00. Anyway what i am trying to say is do you really want poison like that in your life? I told my ‘friend’ that i wanted nothing to do with her, and that she must live her life and i will live mine…and you know what, i dont regret the day that i let her out of my life, i have other friends, seriously who needs enemies with friends like that?
    From Mel

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  4. I’ve had a few of these over the years. At first I was really really hurt, but soon I figured…..friends for a reason, season, lifetime.
    Some friends make the effort and get through the hard times with you and others just fall away.
    Also remember that infertility changes you in lots of different ways. Sometimes that means that you can’t relate to someone the way you did before.
    This kind of thing is really really crap to go through though, because it really hurts.
    You have others around you that love you. How could we not.

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  5. Budg, just like we grow & change, the same thing happens with our friendships. You know that old expression – a reason, a season, or a lifetime- well I really do believe that to be true. And its not about being nasty or ending a friendship, its just perhaps that the depth of the friendship has run its course and now its time to sit back and see where it takes you next.
    It really does sound very one sided and must hurt, especially given your inability to cry like that, I’d be honoured if you cried like that in front of me and would not leave your side! 🙂
    Luv u!

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  6. Totally agree, 100%. Throw her down.

    I know fertiles dont really think like we do BUT its common decency to set up a date a few weeks in advance and maybe she couldnt talk when the school thingy was starting but did she bother to call back? Ask how you were doing a day later? I doubt it. Screen your calls, soon she will get the msg. There is no point in flogging a dead horse (sorry to be harsh) but why must you do all the work at building a friendship and all she can do is take, take, take.

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  7. You will feel lighter if you let her go. I promise. I do it all the time. Like your wardrobe, friends need cleaning out from time to time.

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  8. There comes a time, when you will get tired of just giving and giving and getting nothing in return and that’s when you’ll resort to one syllable answers and she’ll soon get the idea. It seems as if you’re looking for different things in this relationship. You keep extending her an olive branch by going out of your way to help and she just want’s to use you for info. Or validation or whatever. Let it die on its own if you want. And as the other girls have said, people grow and change. and so does relationships, who knows maybe if you have kiddies of your own, you’ll maybe recconnect.

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  9. Sam, you have so many other friend willing to “share” a friendship with you and not take your friendship. Why waste emotional energy on someone who continuously saps from you? I say good riddance. If there comes a time later in life – things might be different and you can pick up again. Meantime – I say stick with those who give back as much as they take from your friendship.

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  10. I was in a one sided friendship before, and you know, the cost is just too high! You give and give, and she takes and takes but gives nothing in return. So I say you are making the right decision by not putting in the effort!

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  11. So much better just to let go. It really doesn’t help you in anyway to entertain this ‘friendship’. Nothing wrong with chatting once in a while, but just don’t invest your emotions and time like you seem to want to do or do do. It’s not worth it.

    When I went through my divorce I learnt very quickly who my real friends were and who were definitely not interested aswell as the uglies of who was only interested in offering me ‘no strings attached sexual pleasures’.
    Needless to say, the only 2 that survived through my divorce moved overseas and I just haven’t made new ones because it’s too damn difficult to let friends go… even those who you thought were your friends at one stage… as it’s been said… there are friends for Seasons and those for a lifetime.
    I have 1 friend who I know is for a lifetime, I don’t speak to or see her often,(we don’t live so close) but when we get together it’s like we haven’t been apart. We will just always be friends, even as we have other friends that come or go.

    What I can see, you have some wonderful friends… invest your time in treasuring those you know treasure you!

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  12. I have a similar problem with a friend. As soon I stopped putting in all my one sided effort.. I stopped hearing from her. In fact it took 3 weeks for her to send me a two sentence message on Facebook saying “congrats on the baby”. My BFF and I both decided to bow out of the friendship with this particular person and it is much less stressful now. It took a while not to care anymore when she blew us off all the time and was rude. But, after the sting went away.. it is much better. And now when we do see we take it as that, just seeing her that once. We don’t get all excited that it might turn back into our old friendship and then no one gets hurt.. most of the time .

    Good Luck with what you decide. I hate when this happens to a good friendship.

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  13. Like Shaz says a reason, a season, a time but it still hurts when we loose these friendships and we cannot help but wonder how it would have turned out had we not had IF, another thing that IF robs us off
    You have many other friends and support! Hugs

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  14. I think the “Hi how are you bye” type relationship you had before the MSN is perhaps the only one she really has on offer (unless she feels like chit-chatting or seeing if you have a quick solution to one of her problems like the job thing). That’s her. That’s what she offers. And what you offer is something completely different. So either she must change (which doesn’t sound like she has the emotional depth to do) or you must change in that you keep her as that hi/bye friend which you can call if you just want to chat about meaningless drivel & stuff. If that’s not your thing, no need to “break up” – just keep her at that level and don’t take it too personal if she can’t give more (even if she wants to take more, which you must manage).

    Sounds like a very high maintenance situation to me, though, if it was I, I’d answer her calls and enjoy it for the moment, but won’t go out of the way to do ANYTHING else!!! 🙂

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  15. Good decision I say! You are exactly right when you say that friendships should be give as well as take, and that is not happening here. Don’t waste your time or energy on someone who will not do the same for you, focus on your TRUE friends.

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