My emotions are jumbled up. BIG time. I’m incredibly sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m hopeful. I’m confused. I’m anxious. I’m excited. And many others that I’m battling to articulate right now.
Sharon’s miscarriage has really sucker punched me. I’ve always made no bones about the fact that I love God and that I pray to Him. When Martiza was going through her GIFT, I prayed for her and Jerry often. And I got a sense of peace and love when I prayed for them. I *knew* it was going to be a successful treatment for them. I just knew. Then came Shaz’s turn. I got that same feeling of peace and love when I prayed for her and W. So in turn I *knew* her FET was going to be positive too.
Then she got her positive test, I changed my prayers for her and W. I changed them to prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy. I felt peace for them. And I felt like this was the one that would go all the way. I just thanked Him for answering so many of our prayers and thanked Him for the baby that would be testament to His Grace. And I have to say that I am SO shaken that my feelings were so wrong. How could I have misread the feelings I felt I was getting from the Holy Spirit? Was I just so eager for it to be what I wanted that I was fabricating those feelings?
Then I have to admit that we’ve decided to move ahead with our next fresh IVF in November. We based this decision on a couple of things. Number 1, that there is no good time to head into treatment. There will always be *something* to hold you back. Number 2, Cliff wanted to do it sooner rather than wait. This man has done enough stuff over the last 5 years for me when I wanted them that I could not deny him this (and in my heart of hearts I wanted to move ahead too so it was kinda a no brainer but anyway) and Number 3 that when I prayed about this decision I got a sense of calm and peace about moving ahead with this treatment in November. The worry is creeping in cos now it seems like my discernment of the peace and calm might not be as spot on as I thought it was. I might have forced myself to think I was feeling it cos I wanted to feel it. The thing is I still feel it when I pray about it now. So now I’m confused. But excited and hopeful too. See? All jumbled up.
I’m trying so hard to not let the fear that is stemming from the hurt I feel for my friend overwhelm me. I need to get my head right. I need to get into the place where I can allow my hope and faith to open my body up to the possiblity that I can be on the receiving end of this miracle. Its hard. But I’m trying.