Jumbled Up

My emotions are jumbled up.  BIG time.  I’m incredibly sad.  I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m confused.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  And many others that I’m battling to articulate right now.

Sharon’s miscarriage has really sucker punched me.  I’ve always made no bones about the fact that I love God and that I pray to Him.  When Martiza was going through her GIFT, I prayed for her and Jerry often.  And I got a sense of peace and love when I prayed for them.  I *knew* it was going to be a successful treatment for them.  I just knew.  Then came Shaz’s turn.  I got that same feeling of peace and love when I prayed for her and W.  So in turn I *knew* her FET was going to be positive too. 

Then she got her positive test, I changed my prayers for her and W.  I changed them to prayers for a healthy full term pregnancy.  I felt peace for them.  And I felt like this was the one that would go all the way.  I just thanked Him for answering so many of our prayers and thanked Him for the baby that would be testament to His Grace.  And I have to say that I am SO shaken that my feelings were so wrong.  How could I have misread the feelings I felt I was getting from the Holy Spirit?  Was I just so eager for it to be what I wanted that I was fabricating those feelings?

Then I have to admit that  we’ve decided to move ahead with our next fresh IVF in November.  We based this decision on a couple of things.  Number 1, that there is no good time to head into treatment.  There will always be *something* to hold you back.  Number 2, Cliff wanted to do it sooner rather than wait.  This man has done enough stuff over the last 5 years for me when I wanted them that I could not deny him this (and in my heart of hearts I wanted to move ahead too so it was kinda a no brainer but anyway) and Number 3 that when I prayed about this decision I got a sense of calm and peace about moving ahead with this treatment in November.  The worry is creeping in cos now it seems like my discernment of the peace and calm might not be as spot on as I thought it was.  I might have forced myself to think I was feeling it cos I wanted to feel it.  The thing is I still feel it when I pray about it now.  So now I’m confused.  But excited and hopeful too.  See?  All jumbled up.

I’m trying so hard to not let the fear that is stemming from the hurt I feel for my friend overwhelm me.  I need to get my head right.  I need to get into the place where I can allow my hope and faith to open my body up to the possiblity that I can be on the receiving end of this miracle.  Its hard.  But I’m trying.

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16 thoughts on “Jumbled Up

  1. My friend, I so get that you are confused right now and it’s understandable. Just trust in your faith, it’s always got you thru.

    I agree with your decision to do treatment, hell – there’s no time like the present hey!

    I’m hoping for you my friend, I truly hope that this gets to be your happy ending now.

    Big hugs xxx

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  2. I’m glad to hear that you are going ahead, and that there is a peaceful feeling associated with the decision. I will be praying for you too.

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  3. I think you’re right Sam, there’s no time like the present. it’s hard when we feel let down by God or our faith, especially if we’ve been praying for others, I get that. I can still remember how I prayed for E then she got her BFP and carried all the way to 10 weeks, then nothing. it was incredibly hard for me, and I had a very tough time reconciling God with a loving person, but He has taken me on this incredible journey, and I can see His hand in everything. You have prayed and found peace in your decision, so go for it. We can really only live for ourselves, but we can pray for others, and that’s exactly what you did, it never is up to us how anything turns out, that was a very hard lesson for me to learn, all we can do is pray, the rest is up to God.

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  4. Sam, I don’t know where we find God in all of this really I don’t. I’m so angry with him right now that I’m the last person to comment on your dissernment. All I can say is that you can only do the best you can the rest is up to God, sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no and sometimes it would seem he says “mmm, maybe,oops I changed my mind NO1” Hahahahaha!
    But you have to go through each experience to discover what your answer will be.

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  5. I think you made a good choice to move ahead now based on all scientific factors and the way you and C. feel right now. The rest we just won’t know until we do. I’ll be reading along and hoping the best.

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  6. I understand the jumbled feelings, too. Sadly, I often find my faith faltering when it doesn’t work out the way I want it to.

    ((HUGS))

    SO exciting that you’re starting in November!

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  7. I’m so sorry that Sharon did not get the good news that she deserved. I noticed that she mentions DE. I know I am a mere novice in the donor egg arena but if ever the time comes that she wants to explore it more and I can be of just a little help, then I am here.

    I am so pleased you are having a cycle before the year end – I am hoping for the most fabulous Christmas present for you babe xx

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  8. I get what you are saying. I prayed so very hard too and I got that same feeling. But I guess the feeling we got is more God saying “I’m here”

    I’m very very sad for her and W indeed!

    Know that I’ll keep you in my prayers and thoughts as you work towards November.

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  9. I had the same feeling when i was praying, as though she was going to get her happy ending.
    Good luck with your next cycle, will keep you in prayers.

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  10. My friend, I hear your heart and it’s exactly what I’ve been feeling. So difficult to understand these things. Apart from Shaz’s situation I’ve been going through a special brand of this feeling myself with the Nucal results we’ve been getting, which I will write about a bit more as soon as I pull myself together in all this confusion. Life is such an intricate and frail business and our hearts even more so. Despite all circumstance I believe with my whole heart that there is nothing sinister in God’s plans for us, His plans for us is to prosper, but sometimes I think our hearts fail to rest fully in Him and we are tested on each journey. Christ himself was tested (by Satan), who are we to be excluded from that same fate? We can go into a long debate over the causes of our suffering, but despite all of that I find my peace in remaining focused on God’s love and his grace despite my circumstance ’cause everything will pass apart from God’s eternal love. His righteousness is not affected by what happens around us, he is not more or less loving when a loved one dies from unnatural causes, and neither does He change when any injustice happens around us. Our minds struggle to get that ’cause we always want 1 + 1 to = 2. To me the real test of faith is to remain faithful in ANY circumstance, that’s what means to be purified by fire.

    just as gold and silver are refined and purified by fire.

    Zechariah 13:9 (New American Standard Bible)

    9″And I will bring the third part through the (A)fire,
    Refine them as silver is refined,
    And test them as gold is tested
    They will (B)call on My name,
    And I will (C)answer them;
    I will say, ‘They are (D)My people,’
    And they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.'”

    Holding on to God despite hardship, insanity? No. Faith.

    Just like an athlete endures pain by keeping his eyes on Gold, we endure confusion by keeping our hearts focused on God.

    If there is no justice, no pattern or reason, what do we live for? Chaos, destruction & randomness?

    God’s heart is weeping for Sharon’s loss. That much I know is true.

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  11. I really dont know Sam. I dont think any of us can know what is right until after the fact. We can’t let fear of failure hold us back from going after what we want in life. I think we all have some kind of internal dialogue that asks “why, when, how, what ” …it’s this self doubt that makes peace of mind so elusive.

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  12. I’m not religious, so I can’t really answer to this part of your post. But we have to remember we aren’t psychic. Just because we’re at peace over something doesn’t make it true. Nor the other was around. Our hearts just really want things that can’t always happen physically. I wouldn’t want you to lose your hope and prayer just because something you prayed for and felt good about didn’t happen. There was no way for you to have known nor any reason you should have. If everything you “felt” did come true, you’d be able to know all, something none of us mortals have.

    ~hugs~ to you and your friend.

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