It is really unreal to me that it’s been only 28 days since my miscarriage.
It seems like too short a time to have passed and yet it also feels like it’s been forever since we found out that our surprise pregnancy was ending in miscarriage. People close to me have known when to ask if I’m ok and when to just be normal and not mention our loss.
When the miscarriage happened I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Granted I was in the middle of a whole load of stuff but I just couldn’t believe that after our infertility journey that a surprise gift pregnancy would be “taken away” from me. Then the pendulum would swing and I’d think to myself “well naturally it couldn’t just be easy for you Sam”.
I do think that having that Sunday after getting my death knoll beta’s the night before at church where I literally stood and cried my eyes out during praise and worship helped my heart heal a lot. I also think having the time alone in the hospital while I was waiting for the d&c was good for me. I got to think about and process a lot of what I was feeling. I got to process the anger I was dealing with. The disappointment and the resentment.
I spoke to my Kid’s church pastor at church and she said something to me that really vibrated in my being. She told me that we’d never understand why I had to lose this pregnancy but she also said that the one thing that I must never lose sight of is how much God loves me. That He is faithful. I know both these things with every fibre of my being but when your heart is hurting you don’t want to hear them. These sentiments become platitude like… and yet I felt that tug on my spirit where God was saying “trust me. hurt as much as you need to but trust me”. That night I prayed that God would give me peace that defied human understanding. I prayed for this fervently. And He gave it to me. In abundance. I felt His love for me in the everyday things. And I was able to praise Him through the storm I was facing.
About a week and a half ago my obgyn called me. The pathologist was not 100% happy with the levels of trophoblastic tissue in my d&c remains. Dr Koll told me that there was nothing to indicate a molar pregnancy but as a precaution I would need to go for another beta to ensure that my levels were dropping appropriately. Not really understanding it all I consulted with Dr Google and what I saw was not that reassuring. Words like tumour, radiation, cancer flashed up on the pages seemingly with glows behind them to spark fear in my heart.
I decided to stop that fear by clicking the x on the right hand side of that Wiki page. I decided to be still and to trust God that if this was in my path to tread, that He would get me through it. My beta came back at 12.9 – an appropriate drop in levels.
The one thing that this pregnancy and loss has shown me in no uncertain terms is that I really do want to experience another pregnancy and I really do want to have another baby. That we will one day become a family of four.
I wasn’t carried through seven years of infertility and several invasive tests and treatments to not be a testimony to God’s faithfulness. I have a tattoo on my left hip which reminds me of this everyday.
So while I still have my moments of wondering why this had to happen, I choose to believe that everything will work out in the end. I choose my own happiness. I am so very blessed with my family, husband, son and home. I have so much to be happy about that it drowns out the sadness I feel over our loss.
Whilst there is a part of me that is scared to “try again” in whatever way shape or form to make that second baby happen I know that I will find the strength thru Him. The fact is I know I can do healthy pregnancy. My little boy is living, breathing proof of that. But. I know that there will be a part of me that will be fearful of losing another pregnancy. I just have to place my belief in the fact that what will be will be. That God has my back no matter what. That the seed He has planted in my heart to expand my family will bear good fruit.
No one wants to believe that miscarriage is *possible*. Fact is, it is. I’ve been into the impossible.
Now I wait and focus on THE POSSIBLE. And actually I’m ok with that.