Standard Answer?

I’m ok. 

But the truth?  The truth is that this IVF failure has hit me WAY harder than I expected.  The truth is that I’m not doing so good.  And the fact is that I’m not really sure what it is I’m feeling right now.  I know that I’m sad, but it’s not an overwhelming sad.  It’s a sadness that just sits on my shoulder slightly behind me and tags along where ever I go. 

I know that I’m angry with God.  Boy am I angry with Him.  And I know that cos of that anger I feel towards Him I’m pulling back from my faith. 

I know that I hate seeing the hurt and anger and sadness in my husbands eyes.  I hate that we’re in this place with a passion I’ve never hated with before. 

I know that I feel empty and hollow.  And the I know that I am not the only person out there that is feeling these things right now – which makes it all the more fucked up.  I feel that this is just so unfair.  Why do good people have to deal with this shit?  It just does not and probably will never make sense to me.  And that just sucks.

I think at the heart of the emotions I’m feeling is, I’m not sure what the right word is – disappointment ? that I allowed myself to believe so fully that the last IVF was the one, that I did not protect myself and my heart against the fact that realistically it coudl turn out the way it did.  I feel like I fooled myself and the people I love into a false sense of security.  And I’m just overwhelmingly sorry.

Way too much going on emtion wise right now for me to make sense of it all.  Way too much white noise in my head to see a clear path to healing.

Feeling like this?  It’s just fucked up.  Truely.  And that is the one thing that I know for sure right now.


29 thoughts on “Standard Answer?

  1. You’re right, it’s all fucked up. No beating round the bush. Makes no senso and irritates the white hot wax outa me, you and everyone else with a valid opinion. No tying a ribbon round this one to make it look all pretty, it’s NASTY! and it hurts like hell!

    Ur in my thoughts… Mxxx


  2. It’s all very very fucked up Sam. I’m so sorry you are in this place and it seems very very unfair to me too. It’s so normal to be angry at God and to feel let down and deeply dissapointed, we all feel like that at some point in our lives. I know it’s difficult to imagine what His plans for your life is and that you really really wanted *this* to work.

    (((HUGS))) my friend


  3. Still just very sorry and very dissapointed about all of this, I wish there was something, anything I could do, but I know I can’t.
    Lots of love and hugs sweet face.


  4. You know – there is no point in thinking that you should have protected your heart more from this cycle. With an IVF cycle there is no possible way you can do that. If you had gone into this cycle thinking it might not work, that would not have helped either. I dont believe that you misguided your family, IVF is not a sure thing and by now I am sure that they realise that. After an IVF BFN your emotions are so raw and your thoughts so wild, as women we always try and reason or feel guilty for something. I know that I still feel that way. The best thing is to take it one day at a time, sounds corny but its true. Im thinking of you all the time. xxx


  5. The thing is, when you are busy with an IVF, you must be positive and hopeful and believe that it will work, otherwise we will all go mad!!

    BUT, that being said, the failure of an IVF is just awful, it is to awful that I do not think I want to go through it again. I know one must and one will, but I do not know whether I want to anymore, BECAUSE it just sucks!!


  6. Having been exactly where you are grappling with the same questions and emotions, I wish I had the magic elixir to make it all better for you right this very instant. It does get better with some time and space …but for now, we’re here for you.


  7. It sucks so much that you’re in this situation feeling this amount of sadness. Only thing I can suggest is chatting to a therapist, not sure if that is your thing but it really helped me.


  8. Budg, my heart cracked again when I read this post. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. But you should not feel sorry for being so + and making everyone around you +, thats a very special gift that you have and although it doesn’t determine the outcome, it does make being with you for the outcome a special gift to receive.

    Just do what you need to do for now, if its being pissed off with God, if its being a realy saddy pants cry baby, then you do that. There’s a lesson I’ve learned along the way, and that is that sometimes its ok to be selfish and have it all be about you, this is one of those times. We’re all here to love you through it.


  9. I’m sorry this is so effed up. I’ve been there and am still reeling from my last IVF. I think that putting so much work and effort and emotion into something takes a lot out of you and when it doesn’t work it just crushes you, takes your breath away. I am sending you hugs and support and compassion.


  10. It sucking f@cks, darlin’. Or f@cking sucks, whichever version you prefer.

    I am so very sorry you’re in this crappy place,




  11. Sam what an emotional post and you are so right it is all fucked up.You are one of the most positive people I have the pleasure of knowing. As Shaz says – its your gift – so be proud of yourself for attaining that.
    We all try to remain positive throughout IVF – we have to, but I also get the part about protecting our hearts. Its just a part of the whole process – as is being angry at God. Feeling “empty” is also another side effect. My heart bleeds for you – take time to heal and be there for each other now more than ever my friend. Wish it was easier.


  12. Sam, I am so so sorry, sweetie. Sorry for not being here during your cycle, sorry for it not working, and sorry for this hole you are stuck in. It sucks. It’s unfair. I hate feeling this way and hate so much that you are too. My sadness sits on my chest, some days suffocating me and others just acting as the pain that comes from holding back constant tears. I’m sorry, hun. I really truly am. Love and hugs, dear friend.


  13. I’m so sorry dear. I wish there was something I could say. But, everything you are feeling is valid, real and okay. It just isn’t fair. It sucks. I am so sorry. 😦 I am sending you lots of love and hugs from far away.


  14. Oh Sam my heart goes out to you. An IVF failure is so much more difficult because there is so much more invested in it and as always one walks that delicate tightrope between hope and reality.
    Be good to yourself
    luv & hugs


  15. It’s interesting that you’re reacting how I did – to a place of being angry that I believed, that I hoped. A place where I felt like it was my fault and I should’ve known better. For all we go through in this, it’s amazing that even hoping is something we can get mad at ourselves for. Shouldn’t we even be allowed that?


  16. It’s OK to not be OK. We are all so programmed to think that we have to be OK, but grief and anger are part of the process. They are natural feelings. You said you were angry at God and wondering why bad things like this have to happen and so I wanted to share about my experience today. My sister had a baby yesterday and it hit me hard, the feelings of why her and not me. But today in church the reading was about this issue of why bad things happen. It is not because someone deserves the bad thing, but so that good things can (eventually) be revealed through it. I found that helpful and hopefully you might as well.


  17. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i don’t know yet the pain you’re going through, but i’m scared i will on thursday when i have my beta. i’m thinkin about you.



  18. Found your blog through ICLW…I can identify with so much that you wrote here. I am so sorry that this cycle was a bust, and even sorrier that you are in this place at all.



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