But the truth? The truth is that this IVF failure has hit me WAY harder than I expected. The truth is that I’m not doing so good. And the fact is that I’m not really sure what it is I’m feeling right now. I know that I’m sad, but it’s not an overwhelming sad. It’s a sadness that just sits on my shoulder slightly behind me and tags along where ever I go.
I know that I’m angry with God. Boy am I angry with Him. And I know that cos of that anger I feel towards Him I’m pulling back from my faith.
I know that I hate seeing the hurt and anger and sadness in my husbands eyes. I hate that we’re in this place with a passion I’ve never hated with before.
I know that I feel empty and hollow. And the I know that I am not the only person out there that is feeling these things right now – which makes it all the more fucked up. I feel that this is just so unfair. Why do good people have to deal with this shit? It just does not and probably will never make sense to me. And that just sucks.
I think at the heart of the emotions I’m feeling is, I’m not sure what the right word is – disappointment ? that I allowed myself to believe so fully that the last IVF was the one, that I did not protect myself and my heart against the fact that realistically it coudl turn out the way it did. I feel like I fooled myself and the people I love into a false sense of security. And I’m just overwhelmingly sorry.
Way too much going on emtion wise right now for me to make sense of it all. Way too much white noise in my head to see a clear path to healing.
Feeling like this? It’s just fucked up. Truely. And that is the one thing that I know for sure right now.