Today marks a place in time when I was in my mind celebrating the fact that I was finally going to be a mother.  It was going to be the day I finally got to give Cliff a book I bought him last May.  It was a day for happy tears.  Today was going to be a day where I was going to worry about how I would break the news on this blog.  I did not want to be too over excited as I would be mindful of the fact that there were still so many of you in the trenches trying to attain that holy grail of pregnancy.

Instead, today my heart is very sore.  Instead of being excited to get beta results, I am trying to heal my heart cos I already know that it’s over and that my dream is over.  Instead, today I am bleeding – both physically and mentally.

But it’s not been all doom and glood today.

Today two dear friends got great news.  The one got an excellent fert report and the other finally got to see a heart beating on a scan.  This is wonderful, excellent news, and makes the fact that today is sad for me, not as sad as it could have been.

And yet, I still sit here and wonder – what could have been?  I wonder how on earth I am still in that trench we call infertility…


17 thoughts on “Today

  1. My dear friend Sam – my heart bleeds together with yours on this sad day. I wish things could have been different for you. You remain in my constant thoughts and I pray that your dream will be realised soon.
    Be easy on yourself and call whenever you need to.
    Love you lots. XXXX


  2. No matter what other good news there is in the world, I know doesn’t make up for the ending of your cycle. True, the good news ~is~ good news, but it’s okay to feel just as badly for your own news. I’m part of the “feel it” camp so you can get past it. I also don’t think there is anytime you have to get past it in either. All this babbling to you is me trying to say I’m not going to tell you to “cheer up” or anything like that. Today is, in fact, a sad day for you. I just hope you know that all of us sharing in your sad day, taking just a tad of the pain for you, makes it a little easier. love.


  3. Oh Sam, I know how sore this heart break can be. No words can make it better. I understand what you mean by “how can this be?” Surely it is impossible for things to have worked out like this but yet they have. It was very difficult for me coming to terms with the same outcome so I feel huge empathy for what you are going through now.


  4. Very sad for you.
    I have an idea of what you are feeling because I have been there, and it hurts.
    Strength, my dear.
    Love and prayers.x


  5. I’m probably the last person you want to hear from today but know that I do get it still. I have these two animal lamps in my closet we bought for our one-day-kid, and in the last month or so I’d been really sad that I’d have to give them to someone else to use. That I’d never get to use them. And that just totally broke my heart. My news doesn’t change how I feel about those lamps and my fear of never getting to use them because that means so much more than just not using lamps.


  6. I am so shattered for you, hun. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort. But words are just so cheap when someone feels so hurt. The offer is still good though… if you want to yell at.. scream at, gripe out a total stranger? Find me. I am praying for you and yours.



  7. Oh my friend, I can’t even express to you how much your joy for my good IVF in the face of your own sadness means to me. Yesterday was supposed to be a fantastic day for all 3 of us and I’m so sorry and so sad that you got left behind. Although we do get to celebrate two small victories, its bitter sweet in light of your loss.
    Thinking of you!


  8. OH Sam i can only but feel and hear you pain! I know just how hard it is to be so excited for dear friends so close which seem to be receiving all the good news and I know we try be brave and show everyone all is fine when infact its not and everything just actually sucks but just know you in my thoughts all the way.



  9. My sweet friend, I’m so sad for you, my heart breaks at the thought of you still being in these trenches and I know it doesn’t help to say you not alone and that we’re here with you because it still feels like such a lonely place to be.

    I hate how the pain just gets harder to deal with each time, each time it takes longer to get up and fight again but the only way is to take it one day at a time, even tho that’s hard too. I’m here for you whenever you want to chat or need coffee and a hug.

    I love you lots my friend xxx


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