Today marks a place in time when I was in my mind celebrating the fact that I was finally going to be a mother. It was going to be the day I finally got to give Cliff a book I bought him last May. It was a day for happy tears. Today was going to be a day where I was going to worry about how I would break the news on this blog. I did not want to be too over excited as I would be mindful of the fact that there were still so many of you in the trenches trying to attain that holy grail of pregnancy.
Instead, today my heart is very sore. Instead of being excited to get beta results, I am trying to heal my heart cos I already know that it’s over and that my dream is over. Instead, today I am bleeding – both physically and mentally.
But it’s not been all doom and glood today.
Today two dear friends got great news. The one got an excellent fert report and the other finally got to see a heart beating on a scan. This is wonderful, excellent news, and makes the fact that today is sad for me, not as sad as it could have been.
And yet, I still sit here and wonder – what could have been? I wonder how on earth I am still in that trench we call infertility…