The Burning Question

Now that we’ve been given the go ahead for our IVF and we’ve told the internet and select RL friends and family, it seems that the burning question is “are you excited?”.  Hmmm. 

On one hand yes I can honestly say I am excited.  I’m excited that we’re finally off the break that we took.  I’m excited that we again have a chance at realising our dream of becoming parents.  But it’s a reserved excitement.  It is not the excitement that I felt going into my first IVF where I was farting rainbows and super sure it was going to work first time cos you know, I deserved that deal.  It’s an excitement that is wrapped in cotton wool – muffled and treated carefully lest it decide to jump out and go way wire.

On the other hand, I’m… I guess I would call it ambivilent.  Yes I want to get the IVF on the road but I’ve found that this time round I’m not working out expected due dates of my possible offspring, I’m not working feverishly to have plan B, C, D and E all worked out before hand in case of a negative result.  I mean, realistically if this next IVF is not *the* one, then I know that my back up plan is either FET or another fresh IVF.  I know that miracles do happen, and that people fall pregnant between treatments all the time, but realistically?  I know that my chances of that happening are super slim to none.

My approach to this IVF has also been very different to our first one.  With our first one I cut out all alcohol for 6 months, I exercised like a demon, lost 15kg’s, did reflex, did acupuncture and pretty much did everything that could be expected to be done to prepare for an IVF.  With this IVF I’m still allowing myself the odd glass of wine, I’m exercising but certainly not like a demon and those 15kg’s that I shed last year – well let’s just suffice it to say that some of those kg’s found their way back to my ass and thighs and well they’re not going anywhere fast… I’m not expecting too much of this cycle actually.

Do I want it to work? Of course!  Do I think it might be the one that makes me a mommy (finally)?  Sometimes.  I guess that I feel like I’m a whole lot more balanced heading into this IVF cycle.  I feel more like myself, I am not putting this undue pressure on myself to make it work.  And I have to say that I think it shows in my marriage leading up to this IVF.  We’ve not had a major arguement now heading on for 3 weeks and counting.  We’re a lot more relaxed with each other and we’re a lot more relaxed about this IVF.

I guess that comes with experience (which honestly I would much rather not have gained but hey, se le vi right?)

So yes, I am excited, but just not in a farting rainbow kinda way.