I used to be fun. I used to be spontaneous and I used to laugh. A lot. I don’t know what it is but I often feel like I’ve lost the essence of who I am. I was pretty popular in school despite being the president of the “nerd herd” and I was always confident in the fact that I was liked and respected by my peers.
That confidence stayed with me as a young adult who made plenty of friends while living in the bush and starting out with my career. I have always been a bit of a clown who is loyal, ethical, hard working, kind and fun. I met my delicious man, and I was fun. We did a lot of really cool, fun stuff together. Like a train trip through Mozamzbique, and jumping off the highest bungee in the world (ok I jumped he didn’t but hey semantics)
Then infertility hit and I became obsessed with having a baby. I changed a lot in those seven years. I was selfish, hell bent on our journey to parenthood and bitter and twisted. I lost a lot of the fun, sassy side of me. I like to think I stayed funny, but it was darker. Shaded by despair and pain. A humor born of desperation and grief.
Then finally we got what we always wanted – a wonderful baby. A family. Except no-one told me how hard being a mom was. No-one told me just how all consuming it is to have small babies and how much of yourself gets lost in making sure that this little person who is SO VERY dependent on your for everything lives and grows and thrives.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I love my home and life and all that comes with it. But I often find myself thinking “who am I now?” “what is the essence of me now?” Am I just a compilation of who I was then vs what I am now? A mom and wife? I know that everyone changes as life goes on and one can’t expect to stay the same person forever, but surely the very essence of one’s self stays grounded and the same? Or does that “core” of oneself shift with life?
I know as the kids get older life will become “easier”, that there will be more time for me to be me, and not “Kade’s mom or Gemma’s mom” as all the kids at school call me. In the last year I’ve tried to do more for me, the essence of Sam, so I’ve focused on my running more, I’ve tried to read more books. Yet… I still wonder if I’m just a lost little soul drifting on the ocean of life, still yet to discover just who I am.
Please tell me I am not alone? That everyone feels this at some stage of their life?