I often feel like I’ve lost myself…

I used to be fun.  I used to be spontaneous and I used to laugh.  A lot.  I don’t know what it is but I often feel like I’ve lost the essence of who I am.  I was pretty popular in school despite being the president of the “nerd herd” and I was always confident in the fact that I was liked and respected by my peers.

That confidence stayed with me as a young adult who made plenty of friends while living in the bush and starting out with my career.  I have always been a bit of a clown who is loyal, ethical, hard working, kind and fun.  I met my delicious man, and I was fun.  We did a lot of really cool, fun stuff together.  Like a train trip through Mozamzbique, and jumping off the highest bungee in the world (ok I jumped he didn’t but hey semantics)

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Then infertility hit and I became obsessed with having a baby.  I changed a lot in those seven years.  I was selfish, hell bent on our journey to parenthood and bitter and twisted.  I lost a lot of the fun, sassy side of me.  I like to think I stayed funny, but it was darker.  Shaded by despair and pain.  A humor born of desperation and grief.

Then finally we got what we always wanted – a wonderful baby.  A family.  Except no-one told me how hard being a mom was.  No-one told me just how all consuming it is to have small babies and how much of yourself gets lost in making sure that this little person who is SO VERY dependent on your for everything lives and grows and thrives.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family.  I love my home and life and all that comes with it.  But I often find myself thinking “who am I now?” “what is the essence of me now?”  Am I just a compilation of who I was then vs what I am now?  A mom and wife?  I know that everyone changes as life goes on and one can’t expect to stay the same person forever, but surely the very essence of one’s self stays grounded and the same?  Or does that “core” of oneself shift with life?

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I know as the kids get older life will become “easier”, that there will be more time for me to be me, and not “Kade’s mom or Gemma’s mom” as all the kids  at school call me.  In the last year I’ve tried to do more for me, the essence of Sam, so I’ve focused on my running more, I’ve tried to read more books.  Yet… I still wonder if I’m just a lost little soul drifting on the ocean of life, still yet to discover just who I am.

Please tell me I am not alone?  That everyone feels this at some stage of their life?

 

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8 thoughts on “I often feel like I’ve lost myself…

  1. Oh yes, I get you! My husband’s even commented that I’m no longer fun sadly enough. But I think it’s something you need to work on and I definitely feel that as the kids get older, so it’ll come…

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  2. Thank you for writing your response 🙂 I’ve been waiting for your post.

    So do you think it was the infertility or the becoming a parent that is more responsible for losing your essence?

    For me, the IF took my focus off my career and I think the parenting took my focus off my marriage.

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  3. You’re not the only one – my daughter is 15 months old. One of the main reasons I started blogging is so that I can “find” myself and be me. My real life blogger friends are single women without children. Yes we sometimes talk about my kid and families in general, but we mostly talk about our blogs – our thing. I also started upskilling myself with free webinars.
    The fact that you admit all of this means you’ll try to make changes. Good luck!

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  4. Yes, I can relate. And it feels as if my rollercoaster just started all over again with the new baby. It took all of 5 years for me to even see a speck of who I was before. But that being said, I am a mom. And I love my kids. I’m not sure that I want the old me back but there are snippets of the old me that I miss…
    Here’s to a stronger me and YOU. I’m just trying to enjoy my new ride albeit sometimes challenging…
    P.S. I don’t think men get it. They just don’t understand. I sometimes think my husband’s life remains the same with the added bonus that he now is a Dad… just saying

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  5. Oh I totally get it! It does get easier though where the kids are a lot more independent. I can actually take Bianca with me to see some of the movies I like watching now which is pretty cool 🙂

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  6. Loved this post! You’re defo’s not alone! And there are many things that steal a person’s “fun” and joy. We don’t have kids but for me, corporate life has slowly made me hard and angry over the years. I also remember a time when I laughed, smiled, was carefree. Not anymore. I’ve lost my mojo, the “me” is gone. A colleague met me for coffee the other day and asked if I was okay. Huh? I said. He looked at me and said, “the Bron I know is different and I hope she finds herself again!” That was hard to hear but I needed to hear it. It comes back. Apparently. It will for us both. X

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