Communiqué

Today is a big day for our little popsicles… they get taken out of their safe ice palace and are slowly expected to melt and start dividing again. 

Now I am not one who condones putting pressure on one’s kids to excel (ok maybe just a little but only if it is something they like doing and show a natural affinity for), but in this case I find that I am wanting our little popsicles to excel… I want them to win gold in the thawing race and I want them to grow well throughout the day and night so that when I make that all important call tomorrow morning at 11h00, I’ll have some good news to share…

I’m hoping for a cracking domino effect…. Good thaw - bump - good divide - bump - good blasts - bump - good transfer - bump - good 2ww (hahahahahahahaha) - bump - good blood test - bump - good heartbeat - bump - good development and so on and so forth… Can one really expect a good thaw to result in a good baby?  I sure do…but at the end of the day I know that I need to trust my God.  I know that He has it all under control and what ever will be will be in His time, according to His perfect plan…I’m just hoping that the plan is now

Last night I had a weird dream (maybe it was helped along by the cyclogest I started taking yesterday and the comment made by Super Mabout ice cream trucks, but it was kinda strange…).  I dreamt that our popsicles were stored in an ice cream truck and that they were ensconsed by yummy vanilla ice cream, but the ice cream was melting and the ice cream man (dressed in his swanky lab coat) was turning out cone after cone in an effort to not make an all consuming mess of his ice cream truck… I was worried that our popsicles would end up in someones tummy as part of their delicious cone when all of a sudden stars started shooting out of the melting pot and then started dividing - stars, stars everywhere… I ran into the middle of the stars and they stuck to my body turning me into a human glitterball… then I woke up to the sound of my alarm so alas, I cannot tell you how this dream ended (ie: did I have a star baby or not) but I am really really really hoping for one….

Can you tell that my obsessed mind is losing it? Heh…

Till tomorrow - here’s to my dividing stars!

… in an attempt to stop thinking only of myself and my situation, please can you all head over to my friend Sharon’s blog - she is having a rough day and needs some tender loving care…

When I embarked on this FET journey, I had it all planned out. 

By my calculations I would have been just about half way through my 2ww today and would most likely be symptom obsessing even though I would furiously be reminding myself of the futility of that - Yeah right! Ha!  If my plans had worked out, I would already know if my popsicles survived the thaw, I would already know how many made it to transfer day, and I would be half way closer to knowing if the FET was my dream catcher….

As it happens my plans were a leetle out of kilter and I am only now moving towards the big thaw… I don’t really know why I’m obsessing over it as much as I am, except to say that I am champion obsessor… aaarrgghhh who’m I kidding?  I’m worried that the four popsicles won’t make it… I mean, in my heart of hearts I’m sure at least ONE of them will make it but I’m greedy, I want all four to make it and I want all four to grow and I want all four to transfer… that way I’ll stand more of a chance of at least one of them hanging around right?

I’m trying hard to keep level headed about this FET, but I’m really really really hoping it works for us.

Right so in the quietest FET of the history of infertiles, I have some news…

Went for a endo check scan this morning and it is currently sitting at over 11mm (did not get actual measurement but my FS was super pleased)…. Thaw is set for Wednesday so I am putting all my energy into praying that our four little popsicles make it and all start dividing so that we have some hatching blasts to put back on Friday…

If you pray, I would appreciate one for our popsicles if you would… If you don’t any good vibes, thawing vibes, cell dividing vibes, stick around for the good times vibes would be much appreciated…

Suddenly this FET just became real - crikey!  But in a good way

Elusive this…

Joy of two lines

Announcing the miracle of life

Power of knowing you’re there

Nestled in my belly

Growing, bulging, proof of life

Elusive this…

Celebration with family and friends

Decisions on how you’re to enter the world

Breast feed or bottle feed?

Growing, more proof of life

Elusive this…

Your smile, that first laugh

Gaze into your eyes

Connect, feel my love overflow

Proof of life

Elusive all of this to me…

Except the longing…

I have the longing in me

Not proof of life

But just as strong

The longing…

The longing…

In the absense of anything proper to say I had to post this *giggle* 

UPDATE :

Please note that by no means was any offense meant to mothers of children with cognitive defects or people with cognitive defects.  While I realise that many people may have been offended by this post, I was merely trying to post something lighthearted.  The owl looks funny, yes the tag line is lame and can be construed as hurtful or demeaning, but that is completely not the intention.  I will not be taking down this post but will apologise for any hurt that was unintentionally caused by it.

I am a nickname giver, name shortener type of person. 

I really cannot help myself, even though I know that not everyone in the world necessarily likes this… I do it with everyone!  Even if I hardly know you, I *will* shorten your name to a nickname… it is like an addiction of mine… I love the challenge of shortening names that cannot normally be shortened or if it is a name that absolutely cannot be shortened will delight in giving you a nickname that I will end up always calling you by… as I said it is an addiction, one I cannot stop…

I myself don’t mind when people shorten my name - I mean I am only ever called “Samantha” when I am in deep you know what, and most people call me Sam anyway, but I have been called things like Sammy (erm not my favourite by the way), Samson, Sammy Joe, Sambuca, Samsung, Samantha-FOXy-lady and Lizard.  As you can see most of the nicknames I have been given are derived from my original name, except for Lizard.  That special one is reserved for my sister “Mozi” to call me… I got it one long time ago holiday in Port Elizabeth when I got terribly sunburnt and peeled literally from head to toe.  Lizard it was - shedding my skin.  She does not call me it that often anymore but somtimes it slips out.

The point of this drivel is to ask - do you also shorten names and give nicknames?  Do you like having nicknames given to you?  Or do you want to punch people like me in the face?  What is your bestest nickname ever given to you or conversely your worst?

… I feel blue today and I’m afraid that I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself right about now… the weather sucks and my mood sucks just as badly…

My reflexologist had to cancel my appointment on Friday cos she was tired and pukey cos of her early pregnancy… A close friend just emailed me this morning to tell me that she is 7 weeks pregnant and I am just waiting for pregnancy announcement number three to rear it’s head - cos they *always* come in three’s…

I have been very quiet about our FET this month cos I felt like if I did not make a big song and dance out of it that it would be better.  FET’s are kinda uneventful too - no needles and no daily scans, no ER and no big wait for the fert report, so I feel like a bit of a pseudo treatment girl this month if you know what I mean… I’m trying to figure out if I’m really excited to have the FET happen sometime in the next two weeks?  I mean I think I am, but in some way I know that I’m holding back cos I’m trying to guard my heart in case it does not work (stats show we don’t have that much of a chance anyway… but I’ve never been one for stats anyway… see saw emotion see saw).  Before we embarked on the FET cycle, I had decided that I was handing this one over to my Creator, but as I am inching closer to setting the date for the thaw I can feel that I am wanting to take back the control…

Today I am wondering if I am ever going to be a Mom?  Will I ever be pregnant?  Am I even meant to be a parent?  It seems to be easier for most of the people in my life to have *gasp* sex and fall pregnant so why is it so bloody hard for us?  Ok so infertility has robbed us of the regular sex thing but even if we were still humping like rabbits 178 day cycles don’t exactly help the matter either now do they?  Please God let us be next on the lottery list of pregnant people, I’ll promise to do my best not to mess it up…

Bah… I’m tired.  I’m weepy. I just want this to happen.

Ok so I promise this will most likely be the last you hear of the friend saga…

She called me last night so that we could talk this whole thing out.  She was pretty upset that I called her the night before and “basically shat me out”.  She has been feeling like I have not been putting enough effort into our friendship and that I have not been forthcoming with information about what is going on in my life with the IVF etc.  She told me that although it might look to me like her life is perfect cos she has kids but that she has other problems to deal with and that her life is far from perfect.  She also told me that she did not ask questions and enquire about the IVF cos she did not want me to feel pressured and had assumed that I had a great support system already and did not really need her to be harping on about it as well.  (As it is I did have a fantastic support - our families, you guys, some close friends, we were so very blessed)  She told me that although she never asked about our IVF, she was thinking of me througout and was praying for us throughout the process.  She told me that she also feels that because she does not know enough about the process that she asks silly or stupid questions.  She was very upset that I did not invite her to my 30th birthday party and felt like I was wanting us to drift apart in our friendship cos I did not call her or text her or invite her to my party… 

If I am brutally honest with myself I can admit that I have not put a lot of effort into the friendship in the last few months.  I *have* been pretty self absorbed (rightly so of course but I can understand where she came from after we chatted), and have been focused on my life and our IVF and our grief after the BFN…  I have not really been putting much effort cos I felt like I was not going to share details about our journey with her if she did not ask, it seemed to me that she was disinterested so I never shared with her.  I told her last night that I would much rather have stupid questions that show her interest in what is happening in my life than nothing.  I also told her that I guess I never invited her to my 30th cos I thought she would not be bothered to come cos our friendship was clearly drifting apart.

Seems to me that this whole debacle is a clear cut case of miscommunication.

Both of us agreed that we did not want to see our friendship in the gutter (I was her maid of honor for gosh sakes and am honorary auntie to her kids) and that we were both in the wrong for what had transpired between us in the last couple of months.  We agreed that we needed to nurture the friendship more and both make more of an effort if we wanted to continue being friends.

So for now our friendship is in the process of getting back on track.  We’ll see how it goes…

So I did it.  I called her on my way home from work last night. 

Firstly I called her from my mobile and my number would have come up on her screen right, so when she answers she sounded totally surprised that it is me calling.  Odd.  Here is how the conversation played out Players: Me = M and she = F.  The thoughts that ran through my head are in italics :

M:        Hey, I was just calling to say Hi and to find out if all is well on your side of the country.

F:         Oh, hi, all is fine here, just been really busy, but all good.

*Pregnant Pause*

M:        Well I also called cos I thought it a bit odd that I have not heard from you at all since I sent you my last email.   ( I was a bit annoyed at this time and think it must have come through in my voice…)

F:         Yes I got the mail, I took you off the list.  In fact I have been so busy that I have not even had a chance to  send any pictures anyway…

*Pregnant Pause*

M:        Thanks for that, but it is a bit weird not to have heard a word from you in nearly three weeks….

F:         Well I have been really hectic, things have been happening here and it has been hectic, and I have had to get thing sorted out here.  (yet she’s had time to call a mutual friend to discuss my request with her, but not enough time to respond to me AT ALL???)

M:        Is everything ok?

F:         Yes, it will be….

*Pregnant Pause*

M:        Everyone healthy?  No-ones ill are they?

F:         No everyone is fine, it will be fine.

M:        Ok then. *Pause*  To be honest I was pretty hurt that I never heard from you at all after my mail was sent.

F:         You were what?

M:        Hurt.

F:         Sorry, but I have been so busy, I never meant anything by not responding, I have been so hectic.

M:        Ok, but to not have got any form of response – well it sucked.

*Pregnant Pause*

F:         Yes well we moved my PC out of the bedroom and the ADSL did not work through the walls to reach the new place we put it (she has been on MSN everyday since I sent the mail, and ADSL did not work?  Hmmm, I think not.)  and I have not been able to email you back. 

M:        Gosh, a text or a call would not have taken one minute of your time, I realise that you’ve been busy and going through your own stuff but I bared my heart to you in my email and I really thought I deserved some response of any kind – even if it was just to tell me to piss off or *something*…

*Pregnant Pause*

F:         Sorry, in hindsight maybe a text would have been better, I apologise.  I keep thinking every day that I should respond to you  and send you a long email back, but I have been so busy – school holidays you know…  (actually I don’t know, I don’t have my own kids yet remember?  How on earth would I know it’s school holidays???  Plus you have a full time domestic worker and have time to discuss this with a mutual friend {yes I know I have mentioned this twice, it irks me} but not time to respond to a so called best friend???) 

M:        Ok, well I hope that you get everything sorted out and if I can help in any way you just let me know ok?  Hopefully we’ll chat sometime soon.

*Pregnant Pause*

F:         Ok, bye….

M:        Bye.

So that was that, the whole conversation was very stilted and uncomfortable.  I really hope that whatever is going on in her life gets sorted out and that she is happy.  However, it is pretty clear to me that she is not prepared to rescue this friendship and that I need to move on. 

I have left the ball in her court and if she wants to she can contact me.  If I hear from her, good, if not , good.  I really cannot waste anymore energy on this situation.  Time for me to realise that some things just need to be left in the past.  The season of our friendship seems to have run its course and that is fine.  Life goes on.

I have been so blessed with good friends who are prepared to stick with me and to try and understand where I am coming from in this journey, they are the ones I will focus on now.  The “real” friends who are prepared to put in as much as I do - warts and all.

Thank you so much for all the support you girls have pushed in my corner regarding this situation, it really means the world to me… 

You girls ROCK!  You RULE! 

Viva you guys Viva