The Crazies…

/ Sam

…have seriously set in…

I don’t know what made me think that I was strong enough to last a full 4 weeks between scans.  The truth is I am having the most terrible dead baby thoughts and dreams.  Terrible, terrrible.  Dreams that feel so real I wake up from them with my heart pounding and my breaths caught in my throat.  Things like I’m at the scan and the doctor looks at me with this hangdog look on his face and say “I’m sorry your baby is dead”.  Or another scenario “Oh no, you’ve lost another one…”  Or another scenario, the doctor under his breath “move baby move, show us you’re alive…”

There are a few things that are contributing to the crazy in my head.  I’m 15 weeks 3 days along and I’m not showing yet.  Not if you don’t count the added weight that eating my nausea away has added to my but and thighs.  When I lie down in bed at night, my uterus sometimes shifts up and I get a small egg like shape pop up BUT it’s inconsistent.  Sometimes the egg is there, sometimes not.  I have almost zero bump when I’m upright.  So I worry that everything isn’t ok with this baby cos I’m not showing yet.  By 16 weeks with Kade I had a noticeable bump and I was 21kg’s heavier than I am now.  So surely I should be showing quicker and more with this child?

The Saturday after I had my 12 weeks scan I am dead sure I picked up the baby on the home doppler.  Since that day I’ve not been able to pick anything up again.  Granted after trying a few times I have to admit I’m too scared to try again.  The doppler has caused much of the  crazy in my head.

My all day nausea is gone.  Whilst it sucked to feel sick and icky all day long it was a very reassuring sign that all was progressing well inside there.  I know that the sickness has eased cos I’ve passed the first trimester but this is adding to the crazy.

Logically I am focusing on all the good signs.  My breasts are still full and heavy and tender to touch.  The “egg” while inconsistent is there, perhaps this means that I am carrying deeper this time round?  Surely if something had happened since 12 weeks I would have started spotting or bleeding by now?  Home dopplers are not accurate in early pregnancy and I know with Kade I used to battle like hell to pick him up and he was attached in a decent spot – I know this baby is in a strange spot cos the OBgyn had to use an external scan rather than an internal on all my very early scans to pick baby up…

All I can say is THANK THE POPE my next scan is on Thursday evening.

Hopefully and in all likelihood I will laugh at the craziness I’ve allowed to creep into my head and I will soon be able to reveal whether we have another boy or a little girl person on the way…

Pray for me while we get thru the next two days?

14 thoughts on “The Crazies…”

  1. Sam this is so very normal! I am having it. I had it with Jack. I know your fear is different but my friend Tash also had it – she had toilet paper with red dogs on – she threw it out cos she was convinced each time she went to the loo she was bleeding! I stopped feeling nauseaus late last week and also started wondering if all was ok!

    Pregnancy is not always sunshine and roses!

    I am sure your tummy is going to pop through soon soon 🙂

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  2. Holding thumbs that all is ok. If its any consolation I didn’t show at all with either of my pregnancies until well past 6 months! I also had the crazy dreams with my son and all was perfectly fine. Hang in there xxx

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  4. My cousin also had this issue where her tummy was flat when she woke up in the mornings so that is definitely nothing to worry about. Remember, you were quite overweight with your last pregnancy and this time around you are at your normal body weight – these things are all factors. Also, a number of women actually don’t experience any preggy nausea – I happen to be one of them. I will continue to pray and I will wait in anticipation for the “It’s a ….” tweet.
    Love you.
    xx

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  5. I so get you. Of course you know I had the bleeding in the beginning, and then there were twins! And no nausea but I was crazy hungry and super tired. And right when I thought something was wrong again, literally my belly popped at 18 weeks on the dot.

    I do remember in the mornings being small and then at night like 2 months more pregnant….

    But yes, I will pray for you – I know how super crazy those dead baby dreams are!

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  6. Thinking of you! Those thoughts are awful and normal, you are being very strong actually, I would have gone to the doctor the day after the nightmare just to be sure. Thinking of you, update ASAP! Love, Fran

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  7. oh Sam… you poor thing 😦
    dopplers are evil, i believe. They cause more anxiety than relief!
    one thing i can tell is that gaining 21 kg in first trimester is definitely not the norm! you worked hard to lose that weight, you’re in much better shape and, not surprisingly, you aren’t gaining weight like crazy.

    I am thinking of you. Waiting for a smiling report on the ultrasound.

    Hugs.

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  8. Before anything, I hope the scan goes okay…I hope hope hope so.

    Your dreams are there, because life has taught us that it isn’t all rainbows all the time. We know the other side too, and so we know what it could also be.

    I am hoping your fears are unfounded.

    I think that you were exercising quite a bit after having Kade, that you regained and were in good shape. Your improved muscle tone could also be the reason why you may not be showing.

    It is said that belly pops sooner with the second pregnancy, but in your case, you have really worked towards fitness so that may have helped?

    Take Care!

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  12. Glad the scan went well and your fears were unfounded. Only read this post after I read the one on the scan. If it’s any consolation I didn’t really show until 24 weeks and even then people who don’t know me probably think I’m just overfed and not pregnant.

    Keep believing God that everything will work together for your good

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  13. Hey Sam, I was just taking a stroll down memory lane going through my old blog and it led me here! Didn’t realise you still blogged or that you were preggers again. Congratulations! I still have no children but back to Vitalab again soon to fire the ol’ uterus up hahahaha… wish me luck! Lots of love, Mands xxx

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