Time for a second?

When I found out that I  was finally pregnant, I found myself hoping that I was carrying twins.  My high beta’s fed my hope of a twin pregnancy.  I have always wanted three children and the fact that it had proven harder than I ever imagined to get pregnant, I really wanted (like most IVF patients) to have twins.  That way I would have my family in one shot and wouldn’t ever have to consider doing IVF again.

Then I experienced hectic bleeding.  I was terrified I was losing the only viable pregnancy I had ever had.  When we had our first scan at 7 weeks I was a little disappointed to find out that I was carrying a singleton.  But I was just so happy to know that I was carrying a live baby.  I had more hectic bleeding right up until 16 weeks into my pregnancy and then all of a sudden the bleeding stopped and I had a perfect pregnancy from there on out.

In 9 days time my son will be turning one.  I cannot believe that time has gone so quickly.  It feels like I was pregnant both yesterday and a lifetime ago.   As Kade draws closer to his first birthday I find myself wondering if it’s time to consider trying for a second baby.

I miss having a baby to snuggle.  I miss the littleness.  Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE who Kade is becoming as he grows but I yearn for the small days.  The baby powder smelling tiny days.

I had secretly hoped that I would end up being one of those PCOS girls for whom pregnancy was the cure.  It would seem that I am not to be that lucky.  I have had exactly two cycles since I stopped breastfeeding Kade at 6 months.  My current cycle is sitting at 140 days and counting so I think it’s safe to say that pregnancy did not cure my PCOS.

That being the case, if I want a second baby (and I do, I really, really do) that will most likely mean getting my feet wet in IVF waters again.    To be honest, I’m not really sure how that makes me feel.  I know I can physically face doing another IVF, I mean after six of them, what is one more?  I think I could handle another IVF failure emotionally.  I definitely know that the sense of desperation that I felt doing fertility treatments won’t be the same because I do have Kade in my life now.

What makes me unsure is this.  I’m in a good place mentally.  I don’t want to get sucked back into the whole ttc frame of mind.  I worry that I won’t be able to stop trying for a second baby if after one or two IVF’s we havent yet succeeded.  I really don’t want to get back to being that obsessive person that I was before we hit the jackpot with IVF number 6.

I guess I will bide my time and see how things pan out.  Cliff and I have discussed the “timeline” for heading into IVF waters again.  If I am not by some miracle (and it will be a miracle) pregnant naturally by next year, we’ll contact our FS and start looking at heading into our next IVF.

I can only hope and pray that I either manage to conceive by some miracle before then, or that if we do head into IVF again that it takes first time round now that I have already had a pregnancy and live birth.

Time will tell.  As it always does.

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9 thoughts on “Time for a second?

  1. Terrifying and exciting at the same time. I am hoping for a miracle, but… Do you think that IVF will be a different experience for number two? I know that our second adoption will be different. The waiting will be much less painful.

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  2. A year is a long time for something to happen. But I think it’s important that you do have a timeline of events and giving your body that time. I’ll be praying with you that in the next year you will have your other miracle baby on the way too!

    I can’t believe a year has gone by so fast! ENJOY Kade’s 1st birthday! It’s all about celebrating that little miracle boy and the joy he brings to your life! 🙂

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  3. Sam I want to quote your thoughts “I definitely know that the sense of desperation that I felt doing fertility treatments won’t be the same because I do have Kade in my life now.” as they are mine too. You won’t be in the same dark place you once were, ever ever again. Hoping for you for a miracle of course, but should this not be the case, you can definitely do IVF again and succeed. Love, Fran

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  4. I always tell people not to wosh for twins – twins in all aspects is such a harder road to walk down, all chnces forroblems are more ( yes, ask me) , but younhave given me the chance to see it in a totally different way.

    Here’s wishing you that miracle pregnancy!

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  5. Ah Sam. I wish that this was just a matter of have-sex-get-pregnant for you. I am soooo sorry that it isn’t. I have no idea what the future holds for your little family but I DO believe in God and I DO believe in miracles. I will PRAY for you. Like A LOT.
    Much love
    xx

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