When I found out that I was finally pregnant, I found myself hoping that I was carrying twins. My high beta’s fed my hope of a twin pregnancy. I have always wanted three children and the fact that it had proven harder than I ever imagined to get pregnant, I really wanted (like most IVF patients) to have twins. That way I would have my family in one shot and wouldn’t ever have to consider doing IVF again.
Then I experienced hectic bleeding. I was terrified I was losing the only viable pregnancy I had ever had. When we had our first scan at 7 weeks I was a little disappointed to find out that I was carrying a singleton. But I was just so happy to know that I was carrying a live baby. I had more hectic bleeding right up until 16 weeks into my pregnancy and then all of a sudden the bleeding stopped and I had a perfect pregnancy from there on out.
In 9 days time my son will be turning one. I cannot believe that time has gone so quickly. It feels like I was pregnant both yesterday and a lifetime ago. As Kade draws closer to his first birthday I find myself wondering if it’s time to consider trying for a second baby.
I miss having a baby to snuggle. I miss the littleness. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE who Kade is becoming as he grows but I yearn for the small days. The baby powder smelling tiny days.
I had secretly hoped that I would end up being one of those PCOS girls for whom pregnancy was the cure. It would seem that I am not to be that lucky. I have had exactly two cycles since I stopped breastfeeding Kade at 6 months. My current cycle is sitting at 140 days and counting so I think it’s safe to say that pregnancy did not cure my PCOS.
That being the case, if I want a second baby (and I do, I really, really do) that will most likely mean getting my feet wet in IVF waters again. To be honest, I’m not really sure how that makes me feel. I know I can physically face doing another IVF, I mean after six of them, what is one more? I think I could handle another IVF failure emotionally. I definitely know that the sense of desperation that I felt doing fertility treatments won’t be the same because I do have Kade in my life now.
What makes me unsure is this. I’m in a good place mentally. I don’t want to get sucked back into the whole ttc frame of mind. I worry that I won’t be able to stop trying for a second baby if after one or two IVF’s we havent yet succeeded. I really don’t want to get back to being that obsessive person that I was before we hit the jackpot with IVF number 6.
I guess I will bide my time and see how things pan out. Cliff and I have discussed the “timeline” for heading into IVF waters again. If I am not by some miracle (and it will be a miracle) pregnant naturally by next year, we’ll contact our FS and start looking at heading into our next IVF.
I can only hope and pray that I either manage to conceive by some miracle before then, or that if we do head into IVF again that it takes first time round now that I have already had a pregnancy and live birth.
Time will tell. As it always does.