Sometimes it feels like you’ve been gone forever. And sometimes it feels like you’re still here on this earth, just still living on another continent with a lot less phone calls and contact.
The last two years have been full of ups and downs. We had a blast at your memorial service with your old military buddies and I think you would have enjoyed the send off you were given. Like you always wished, a fish eagle cried out as we scattered your ashes into the river to disperse through the land you loved so much. It was a perfect moment, one I’ve thought about a lot in the time that’s passed. I will never hear the cry of a fish eagle again without thinking of you.
There has been a lot of healing that has occurred in the last two years. I’ve come to realise that there were many times that you were just plain shitty to us, and that allowing myself to forgive you for those times would set me free from them. So I’ve forgiven you. You know the times I’m referring to. They’re in the past where they belong and while I will never forget the shitty times, I can remember them without the bitterness I used to feel about them before. And for all your shittyness, there was good too. Good times, fun times and lots of crazy laughs. I will never forget playing “pazant” at that one party in Namibia where your buddy got so dizzy he fell into Mom’s prized roses and the times when Moz and I would invite all our mates over and we’d do fashion shows for you and Mom. Yes there were times when you didn’t do such a great job, but overall there were more good times than bad and I think that’s all a parent can aim for.
While you’ve been gone, I’ve experienced a pregnancy and become a Mom. You know how much that meant to me and I can tell you, that you were absolutely right when you told me to never stop fighting for this privilege. I wish you had gotten to see me pregnant. I wish that my son would’ve got the chance to meet you. Cos while you often said that you would’ve sucked with a boy, I think you two would’ve actually had a riot together. He’s cute Dad. I think you would’ve loved his mischievous giggle and the gap he’s got between his top front teeth.
I find that as time passes I think of you less often. Must be because the grief I felt at your passing is healing. The touch point of how you left us is not as tender as it used to be. I’m happy for that. Maybe it’s because my life is full and busier than ever now. The hole is filled to overflowing. I’m happy for that too. But I’ll hear a song or a sound that reminds me of you every so often and I find that I smile when that happens.
I know, that writing these words means nothing to you. You are gone and getting them out is merely a form of catharsis for me. But I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you today and I am missing you still. Not as much as last year granted, but you are missed.
Take care of you, Dad.