It hit me as I woke up this morning.
Last year today, we were waking up and heading to Vitalab for our blood test after our 6th IVF. Our journey that started with 11 eggs retrieved and 3 embryo’s transferred was about to have a conclusion. Either way.
Last year today, after my freak bleed seven days into the two week wait I was trying to believe with all my heart that what I had experienced was implantation bleeding but was honestly not very hopeful and was preparing my heart for another negative result. I was preparing my heart for closure on my own eggs and preparing my heart to open to other avenues to parenthood.
I remember shaking internally as the sister at the lab drew my blood and watching her dispassionately as she marked the vial with my details. I remember handing in my barcode upstairs and getting a hug from the team of IVF nurses. I remember walking to McDonald’s holding Cliff’s hand and him telling me that he believed this was it and me just nodding adsently.
I remember trying to eat my egg mcmuffin and it sitting heavily in my tum all the while checking the time on my phone every 30 seconds, willing the phone to ring and for them to just put us out of our misery already.
I remember going to the loo and heaving that egg mcmuffin up.
I remember us walking out of the door of the McDonalds on our way back to the clinic to wait there for the news and my phone ringing and us stopping right there in the road and hearing the words “you need to get your ass back to the clinic right now… cos you’re pregnant and I need to give you a hug!”
I remember the rush of blood to my head as I turned to Cliff and kept saying over “oh my God, Babe, it worked, it worked” I remember us laughing and hugging and crying and just stumbling over our words to each other. “Wow, I can’t believe it” “I told you it was the one” “Thank you God” “I love you babe” “Yes me too” “holy shit i’m pregnant”
I remember walking on a cloud into the clinic and my doc coming over and grabbing my hand and telling me that I had made his day, his year! And that it was a strong result considering that I had tested 4 days early. He even forgot himself enough to hug me.
I remember that I could not wipe the smile off my face. I wanted to tell everyone sitting there that miracles happened and that their miracle could happen too.
I remember getting our meds and calling our families and crying in the car.
I remember heading to the pharmacy to buy a couple of home pregnancy tests cos gosh dammit I WAS going to see two lines on one of those things if it was the last thing I did.
I remember going home and peeing on the first stick. Seeing and extremely faint line come up and worrying that the pregnancy was not as strong as my FS had told it me was. Telling myself that I practically had to squeeze the wee out and that’s probably why it was so faint. I remember marvelling at the fact that altho faint, there WAS a second line.
I remember so much of that day, the surreal happiness. The gratefulness to God for giving us this gift.
Last year today, my life changed. Last year today, my journey to parenthood solidified in a way I could never have imagined.
As I kissed my son goodbye today, I said another prayer of thanks to my Saviour.
Last year today the joy I felt is only surpassed by the joy I feel holding my son in my arms this year today.