Reflections…

Things have been so crazy busy in life of late, that I’ve had little time for anything else other than work and getting Clam’s nursery completed all the while trying my best to bank as much sleep as I now…

The other day my sister asked me a question that I’ve been thinking a lot about, and the reflections it caused in me have kept my mind busy and full of emotion.

She asked me if pregnancy has been everything I thought it would be.

I can honestly say that pregnancy has been everything I thought it would be and MORE.  More in so many ways – not all of them seen thru rose tinted glasses.

Infertility taught me to dislike my body intensely.  I mistrusted my body, I felt like it was useless and good for nothing but punishment in any way possible.  Too often this body (this intricate work of art) had let me down, it had failed in every way that it was *supposed* to have been able to succeed.  As a result my body and I had an extremely toxic relationship.  It would “fail” me and I would hit back – with tequila, wine, overindulgence of food – things that whilst I was doing them made me “feel better” but things that I knew were ultimately punishing my failure of a body…

In the first 3 months of my pregnancy, the distrust I had of my body prevailed every sense of mine.  Whilst I wanted so badly to trust that this body was doing what it needed to do, I could would not trust that it was – mostly because of the bleeding I was experiencing but also because it’s track record was not so great up until that point.  I kept on expecting my body to fail me.  To fail the life that was growing inside me.  Obviously I hoped that it would keep proving me wrong along the way and thankfully at each scan after each big bleed it would stick it’s tongue out at me and shout “see, I’m not so bad after all.  I’m not such a failure after all.  This life IS growing and doing well inside me”…

At 12 weeks I gave myself permission to start healing my trust relationship with my body.  And how awesome that healing has been for me.

I started noticing the changes my body was making (all on its own) to ensure that it helped sustain the life that was growing within it.  I looked at my fuller breasts and noticed the dark blue veins that lined them.  I looked at my thickening waistline and appreciated the fact that this was going to help support a burgeoning bump.  As we reached each milestone, I found that I could look at my body in the mirror and accept that it was good for something.  That it was not the utter disappointment I had believed it to be for so long.  In fact, this body, the one that I had hated for so long was doing a pretty fantastic job of nuturing my son growing within it.

It *could* and was doing what it was *meant* to be doing – and all at the right times as well.  I’m amazed every day at how truly awesome my body is.  How it just seems to know what to do every step of the way. 

Even the not so nice parts of this pregnancy have amazed me.  The heartburn which attacks me practically non stop of late reminds me that my boy and the place of safety he’s in is growing as it should squashing my stomache and limiting the amount of good food I’m eating at one sitting.  The relaxin is certainly doing it’s job in my joints and whilst the pain can almost double me over at times, I marvel at how even now my body is preparing me for labour.

I’ve loved falling in love with my body again. 

I’ve loved seeing the amazement on my husbands face the first time he felt his son move within my uterus.  I’ve loved seeing how my whole torso shakes at times now that he’s running out of space to move without restriction inside me.  I’ve loved knowing that he seems to know that it’s my hand that’s soothing him when he’s got a case of the hiccups (so very recent has this love blossomed).  I’ve loved how he responds to my pokes and prods and I’ve loved playing my own version of “blind mans bluff” trying to figure out what body part of my son’s is pushing against my ribs or rubbing against my skin…

This pregancy has taught me that my body is worth loving, warts and all.  

And it’s because of this, that yes, I can say that pregnancy has been everything I could have imagined… and MORE.

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26 thoughts on “Reflections…

  1. So good to have an update from you! And what a beautiful one at that. Gosh, I’ve read this with a lumpy throat.
    I have ALWAYS said that pregnancy is one of the greatest miracles of all time and I am constantly in awe of the whole package – from conception to growth of the baby to birth. If you really think about it, I mean REALLY think about it all – it simply blows the mind.
    How lucky are we, as women, to be given such a precious gift to ‘grow’ our children?
    Heaps of love to you, Sammy.
    xxx

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  2. This is a lovely post to read and so hopefully and healing. I loved reading it. I’m so glad that you have been able to experience this wonderful gift and that it has healed you from the hurtful past. Excellent stuff. xxx

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  3. This is so beautiful–and I *love* this sentence: “I’ve loved falling in love with my body again” because it is so easy to harbor resentment towards our bodies when we go through so many cycles and it feels like our bodies fail us.
    So happy you are going to be meeting your little one soon! xoxo

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  4. Great post ! Good to read an update and glad to know all is going well with you and your LB !!
    Sounds like fun games you are playing … ;-))

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  5. what a beautiful post!
    thank you so much for sharing
    i started reading you very recently so a flashback into early days was very helpful, too
    good luck!

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  6. I loved being pregnant too – even the bad parts. I get sad to think that I will never experience that again, but oh so grateful to at least have had it once. Enjoy these last few precious weeks before you meet your son.

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  7. Sam you truly brought a lump to my throat reading this. So beautifully written.
    I’m with Daryl on this one too – I loved being pregnant even the yukkie times. I just hope that I get to experience it again but oh so grateful to have had the chance to experience it once. Keep enjoying.xxx

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  8. That is so beautiful and really resonates with me …the distrust and the awe conspiring with each other…such an emotional dance. Thank you for saying exactly what I am feeling too…at the 12 week mark that is. I will try give myself permission too…to start forgiving and believing in my body. xx

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  9. All that belly fondling and tummy rubbing and talking to your growing son creates this amazing bond that allows a simple “shhhhhh” noise from you to calm him when he is upset once he’s on the outside. I cant wait for you to experience that.

    Oh, and remember to continue loving your body when you STILL can’t see your feet because your boobies have grown to massive proportion to feed your growing boy. 😉

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  10. What a wonderful post.

    I too saw my body is a complete new light after I got pregnant. Feeling her move, and respond to me was magical.

    So glad for you.

    TC!

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  11. Just beautiful my friend, it’s been such a privelage to share your pregnancy with you and see you blossom!!!

    Can’t wait to meet your little boy and say thank you to him for healing his mamma!!

    Much love Xxx

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  12. Sam…wait until you look down at your little Angel and know that the body you are still learning to trust, has created such perfection..it is the most amazing feeling. To think that that little shooting star they put back in you so many weeks ago and formed that most beautiful little boy in the whole world..enjoy every moment

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  13. What a lovely post Sam! It makes me remember my feelings when I was growing Alex. Hope to see you and the Lil’ Clam next month in Jhb. Much love and hugs.

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  14. What an amazing post my friend and I am so glad i have had the pleasure of seeing you experience this miracle. Even a greater miracle is awaiting you my friend. Love you lots xxx

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