Holidays and Preggo Emotions

We’ve just come back from the most wonderful holiday!  We’ve had some short trips here and there but our last proper holiday was in 2008 – too long ago for my liking!

We went to Plett and it was wonderful.  I had 3 objectives for the holiday…

1. Get a tan

2. Relax and read as much as possible

3. Start to feel Clam move

…and I’m happy to say that all 3 objectives were achieved! 

For once I was careful in the sun – limited my tanning time to maximum 30 minutes in the sun per day and it worked really well!  I came home with a nice base tan that I will be able to continue working on on the weekends at home (should the bloody rain ever stop and the sun decide to shine).

We relaxed like no bodies business!  I read 5 books while away and slept in every morning and just chilled out to the max.  I even managed to get Cliff to spend a whole day at the beach doing nothing but reading, tanning, watching dolphins frolick in the waves, and even dozing in the shade.

And I felt the first movements from our little Clam.  Oh my goodness!  It was so surreal and amazing, I still think back to that night and wonder if it was all in my head but considering that I’m feeling it more and more these days I know it was not my imagination running wild on me.  I was lying in bed one evening (the 19th Jan) and I had my hand over my tummy, I had just finished talking to God and thanking Him for this baby and was just slipping into doze mode when I felt…. it’s weird and hard to describle but it was like an air bubble had burst under my hand.  My eyes flew open and I was like “what???”  I felt two more and was instantly wide awake.  I think I lay there until 04h00 in the morning waiting to feel it again – and didn’t… Our boy he’s a naughty shyte already 😉  Just like his Dad.

Feeling him move inside me is…. amazing, surreal, weird, confusing, wonderful and just plain awesome.  I have spent so many weeks of this pregnancy not really “feeling pregnant” and in awe of the fact that we’ve been given this gift that the movement (as erratic as it is) brings home to me, that yes this is happening and yes we will be having a family at long last.  Its so bizzare…

In chatting to a couple of my friends who are Mom’s after IF via pregnancy it seems that this feeling of “disbelief” for lack of a better word during one’s pregnancy is commonplace.  Many of them look at their babies and still wonder if it wasn’t all a wonderful dream that took place.  And I’m pretty sure it’s that same feeling for all Mom’s after IF – whether you were pregnant, used a surro or were blessed via adoption.  This feeling of such utter surrealness and gratitude. I hope I never forget how blessed I am right now.  And how blessed I’m gonna be come June. 

That being said, I also hope that I never forget what it took to get here. 

The trials and the heartache and the stress about finances, the fights, the utter desperation I felt at times whilst on our journey.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am thankful that I’ve traveled this path.  Its taught me more about myself and my relationships than anything else could ever have taught me.  And having gone through this I am doing what I can to help others who face the same/similar challenges that we did.  I’m involved with councelling IF ladies at my church and do what I can on the Fertilicare forum (altho I’ve been useless there, have not been active since my GIFT failed last year) cos if there is one thing I’ve realised is that ppl who face IF need support and help.  I did.  And I got it.  In spades.  From family, friends, friends in the computer, ppl I’ve never met, ppl I have met.  Such amazing wonderful support, I just hope that I give that back in some small way.

I do feel however that now being pregnant, that support might not be as welcome as it was before – and I totally get it.  I know that when I was still battling to overcome our challenges, getting advice from a newly preggo or a preggo IF did not always sit well in my bitter soul…. so I try and support and advise gently, softly and only if welcomed… I know how hard it can be to be on the “waiting” side of the coin.

So yes.  This is where I’m at right now.  Grateful and thankful.  For it all.  The bad and the good.  Cos without the bad I would not be “in the good”.

And for your viewing pleasure here are some pics from our holiday (we forgot the camera at home – we’re assholes) taken via BlackBerry… I’ve added a page called belly pics so if you’re interested you can have a look and see how I’m progressing on that front as well…

Until next time…