The Confessional Post…

This might be a long one – so apologies in advance.  One thing I can say for sure is that the last 6 months have been W.I.L.D.

I’ve been working thru a lot of crap in my head – a lot of it to do with realisations that I’ve come to about my Dad (will post separately on that), helping my Mom deal with the financial mess my Dad left her in, helping my sister deal with her issues surrounding my Dad and his passing, focusing on getting my marriage on track, dealing with the loss of a close friendship, working thru the failed GIFT, working thru the chemical that was not to be and it’s unfulfilled due date and also trying to find the strength to try treatment again…

When I got some money from my Dad’s estate, I offered it to my Mom first and foremost to help pay her way out of the issues she was facing cos of my Dad.  She refused and insisted that we put the money towards our next treatment.

But I was scared to try again.  Terrified actually.  I knew that we could not keep going on this wheel like two hamsters and I just wondered how on earth I could face another treatment and possibly another failure.  But then in my quiet time with God, I would feel the desire to mother so strongly that it would take my breath away.  It was like a physical ache deep in my heart and the pit of my tummy.  I knew that I had to try again.  Somehow.

I joined the Children’s Ministry at church and those kids, they helped to heal my heart.  They made my desire to be a Mom stronger than ever.  And thru serving God with them, I grew closer to Him.  He was truly carrying me through all the stuff I was dealing with.  A close tangible presence.

We decided to try again and do our 6th ART treatment in September.  It was go for broke time.  Our “last ditch” attempt.  Our uspoken promise to each other that if it failed we would face living child free. 

My protocol was changed to a menopur /gonal f mix with cetrotide from when follies reached 12mm.  I stimmed like a champ.  7 days flat and we were ready for trigger.  ER was AWESOME – we got 11 eggs (the best result since our second IVF) and we were over the moon.  We decided to do half ICSI and half IVF and we also used 2 eggs to fertilize with donor sperm as a diagnostic tool to see if we had any sperm issues that standard testing had not picked up.  We were feeling good.  Then we got the fert report.  Out of the 5 that we IVF’d we got 2 embies and out of the 4 we ICSI’d we had 1 embie.  3 embryo’s out of 9.  I have to admit I was deflated.  3 out of 9.  Our 2nd worst fert ever. 

But our 3 were super.  When we went to the clinic to discuss transfer on day 3 our ICSI embie was at 12 cells with NO fragmentation and our IVF embies were at 8 and 9 cells with NO fragmentation.  In comparison our embies looked just as good (if not better in the case of our 12 cell) as the donor embies.  We decided to transfer all 3 and to freeze the donor embies just in case.

While I was lying on the trasfer table, Stephan said to me that he really hoped that this one would be the one.  I held Cliff’s hand and I said to him in a clear, stong voice.  This is the one.  I remember thinking to myself – where the heck did that come from?

Fast forward 7 days later  with a sore bum from the gestone and a bruised tummy from the fragmin, I had gone that day to get my car license updated.  In a complete blonde moment I tore it up and ended up having to fish out my licence from my dustbin at work and had to sticky tape it all together.  When I got home that evening I joked with Cliff that I had to be pregnant cos who does that?  Big joke. 

Until I went to the loo.  BRIGHT RED BLOOD – LOADS OF IT.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I called Cliff and asked him to check if I was seeing right.  His face told me all.  He cried.  I screamed and shouted and threw things and texted my Mom and besties who tried to talk me down.  Watched TV and got ready for bed and when I went to pee before bed, I wiped and the blood – it was gone.  I called Cliff to check again.  Very confused and upset we tried to get some rest.

We pitched up at the clinic the next morning, unreasonable and insisting on a blood test.  I was not going to subject my butt to anymore pain if it was all over.  My darling FS (I love that man) told me that we both knew it was too early to test.  That there could be any number of reasons for the bleed, and that he chose to believe that it was implantation bleeding.  I think I even rolled my eyes at him to his face when he said that.  But understand I was inconsolable.  Totally sleep deprived and out of my mind with confusion and worry.  Every time I’ve seen blood when cycling its meant the end… why would this time be different?  But nagging in the back of my head the question repeated itself Why else would the bleeding have stopped?

He agreed to let me test early that Friday.  3 days early.  The week was a busy one at work – filled with stress and issues and come Thursday I had to tell Cliff that we could not test on Friday – I had 4 meetings and had to get to a DC to sticker stock and it was just not an option to be out of it cos of a BFN… so we decided to delay the test to Saturday.

On Saturday, still no more bleeding and it was time to head to the clinic to test.  I was SO nervous I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out all at once.  I had the bloods drawn, took my barcode to the sister who just hugged me tight.  We went for breakfast (which I did vomit up – sorry TMI) and on the way out of the McDonalds my phone rang.  VL’s number came up.  I felt like I was going to pass out and grabbed Cliff’s arm.  I answered and this voice said ” plse can you get your ass back to the clinic right away? I need to give you a BIG hug” my first thought was SHIT not again “cos you’re SO pregnant honey” I heard ringing in my ears and just looked at Cliff and said Oh my God it worked babe, it worked.

We walked into the clinic and the IVF nurses all just hugged us and hugged us.  SO completey surreal.  Our FS came over and gave me a squeeze and told me we had made his entire weekend.  Our beta was good and strong – especially considering that we had tested “early”.  274.  I felt like I was having an out of body experience. 

I had a repeat beta on the Monday (which was my orignal test day) and our beta came back at 716.  I booked my post BFP intralipids for the Wednesday and was told to have one last beta on the Friday.  It came back as 4938.  That might I had my first “pregnancy bleed”.  A huge gush of bright red blood.

I remember sitting on the loo saying over and over to myself – the beta is to high for it to be over, the beta is too high for it to be over.  I prayed over this baby like I’ve never prayed before.  I texted my mom and asked her to get the prayer group praying.  And I told Cliff that I had had a gush of red blood.  On Saturday it was slightly pink when I wiped and I breathed a sigh of relief.

But by Monday I had another big red bleed at work and I called my clinic. 

Are you bleeding heavily?  Define heavily?  Enough to fill a pad. Um no just enough to freak me the fuck out and cause me to nearly pass out from fright.  Are you cramping painfully?  Um no.  Then don’t worry honey, 25% of all our pregnant patients bleed – some with clots, some very lightly, some heavy but as long as you’re not cramping painfully all should be fine… hang in there and all that crap…. as you can imagine all I heard was blah blah blah all the while trying to convince myself that this was “normal” and that our miracle was going to be ok.

Rinse repeat this cycle – bleed, nothing for 2 -3 days, bleed, nothing for 2 – 3 days.

Finally it was time for our 7 week scan.

We were late.  I still can’t believe that it was THE most important moment of our lives thus far and we were late.  Stephan took us into the room and asked how I was.  I mentioned the bleeding, he frowned.  My heart klutzed right out of my chest onto the floor.  He said lets see whats going on ok?  I think I nodded. 

He inserted my trusty friend the dildo cam and was quietly looking at the screen.  Not knowing the the frick I was looking for I just watched his face.  I did not realise how I was holding my breath until he said “ok so it’s a singleton pregnancy, well done”.  He then showed us the most beautiful sight in the world.  Our embryo – inside my uterus, with a strong healthy heartbeat.

Our little Clam – 7 weeks 3 days along, measuring 12.5mm long and with a heartbeat of 163 bpm.

This post is WAY too long now, so I’ll leave you with some pics from the 7 week scan.  There is a lot more to this story so I’ll update again tomorrow with the next chapter.

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17 thoughts on “The Confessional Post…

  1. What a rollercoaster, you poor things. I’m unbelievably happy for you and I totally understand why you were scared to shout it from the rooftops. Let’s hope he’s given you all the scares now and will be a little angel when he arrives in July(?) When is he due to arrive?

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  2. I’m so thrilled to read all the details Sam. It really has been a roller coaster ride for you and Cliff.

    Snap- I had the same protocol with my 4th IVF, and it was also my lucky one.

    Can’t wait to read the next instalment.

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  3. Ummm….don’t you know you need to tell IT/blog challenged chicks like me that I must start using my wordpress log in if I want to read your posts…..I’ve missed your latest posts my friend! Was waiting for my instructions from you to proceed with operation ‘log in’ ;0)
    Loved reading the story again – goose bump stuff! xxxxx

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  4. I am reading your blog for the first time since your last update. Oh My EFfing Gee!!!
    You are preggies!!!!
    Congrats. I am so, so happy for you.
    xxx

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  5. Boohoooo bohooo (this is me crying!!!) oh my God, I found your blog (silly me silly me silly me) and read with tears in my eyes the post, so so happy my dear. Let me keep going to your next post. Love

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  6. I am playing catch up on your blog and while I knew this news it still brought absolute tears of joy to my eyes reading about your BFP at last! I still cannot get over how totally thrilled I am for you.

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  7. I’m glad I waited to read this until my coworkers left for the day – I am sobbing all over my desk. I am so, completely, totally, OVER the MOON for you!!!!!

    Also, pregnancy bleeds are HORRIBLE! I had them with both pregnancies, both times it was (I think) becuase they were multiples & I lost babies early on – but I don’t know for sure.

    And also? Squeeeeeeeeee! I can’t believe I didn’t know about this!!

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