6 months

Hi Dad

I can’t fathom that it’s already been 6 months since you left us. 

Exactly 181 days since we’ve had to say goodbye. 

Most of the time it does not feel real.  It’s almost like you’re still living in Wales just without the odd phone call here and there to remind us how much you miss us and how you’d like to hear our voices a bit more often.  (You always were the master of guilt induction)  It does not feel real that cancer ate you from the inside and took you from us too soon.

The rest of the time I find myself getting increasingly pissed off with you.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “coulda woulda shoulda” in my life and I am so angry with you that you caused a large part of those “coulda woulda shoulda” issues.

I know you thought you were doing what was right by leaving us and moving overseas where you would get free medical care for the disease which was killing you.  But in truth?  You robbed us.  You robbed us of over a year of time that we could have spent with you.  Granted not all of that time with  you would have been sunshine and roses, but it was still time that we would have had with you.  You robbed my niece – your granddaughter who you loved more than life itself – of that extra time with the only father figure she knew.  And that pisses me off so royally.  We have one of THE best oncology wards right here in a hospital where you could also have gotten free medical care.  Here where we could have, would have and should have been with you to the end.

I know you thought you were protecting my sister and I by forbidding Mom to tell us once you had finally admitted to her that you were sick.  But in truth?  You should NEVER have put Mom in that position.  NEVER.  We are your children we had a right to know that we needed to prepare ourselves to say goodbye.  Thank God my Mother knew better than to hide your illness from us.

Many people have told me over the months, “You would not have wanted to see him like that”, “It’s better you never saw him ravaged by the disease” and the like.  One of my biggest regrets is that I was more worried about paying an obscene amount of money for an IVF that ended up failing anyway than following my gut and flying to see you when you were hospitalised the first time.  I guess part of the reason why I am so pissed at you is cos I’m pissed at myself.

I should have moved heaven and earth to come and see you Dad.  But you should not have taken away my right to say goodbye to you either.  I often wonder why this is only hitting me now.  It’s been 6 months since you died after all.  I can only think that my heart has been on overdrive of late and it’s now coming through.  The dam is literally overflowing – this heart cannot contain the pain and sadness it’s been delt so far this year any longer.  

I love you Dad.  But I’m so frigging pissed off with you too.  Looking back I can now see all the decisions you made thinking you were making it better but which in the long run turned out none the better.  I know you were acting to trend and that you felt you were making the ultimate sacrifice for your family.  But you were wrong.

I’m sure that one day I’ll be ok with your decision but not today.

Today 6 months after you’ve left us (I hope you’re having a great time up there by the way) I can admit to myself and to you that I’m pissed off with you.  I know I’ll never get an apology out of you (not just cos you’re no longer here to give one, saying sorry was never one of your stronger traits) but I needed you to know that I know that I’m cross.

I’m working on forgiving myself for not pushing harder to come over.  For allowing myself to sit in denial to how quickly your illness was progressing.  Hopefully soon I will get that right.  

Take good care Dad.

I miss you more than you will know.

Love (I’m still angry…)

Your Green Eyed Baby Girl

xxx

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28 thoughts on “6 months

  1. I’m sure writing this blog posting must have been extremely cathartic and brings you a step closer to working through your anger and forgiving yourself and your Dad and perhaps finding peace.
    xx

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  2. Loosing a parent when they live far away is a strange thing. I think becuase we ‘get used’ to being apart it does take longer for the reality of the loss to really sink in.

    You know all about the stages of grief but I just have to reiterate that this anger is normal and a part of the healing. I am hoping that you find peace to relish the happy memories and ease the ache of this terrible loss.

    Sending you lots of love.

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  3. Stage II = anger. It took me almost two years to get there, and then it came out like poisonous vomit. Nobody is immune to these stages, we have to go through them, there is no going around them. It sounds to me like you are dealing with this in a really healthy and honest way, good for you! The stages of grief are nothing to be afraid of, and there is light on the other side of this dark tunnel. We will get there one of these days, and then we will be stronger, happier, and maybe even more fertile!

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  4. My friend, I cannot imagine the grief of losing a parent as I have not had to face it yet. I do know from experience though that regret eats at your soul and gets you nowhere. You need to try to forgive yourself and your Dad and set both of you free in the process.
    “There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
    Sending you big hugs filled with love xxxx

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  5. What a beautiful and brave post Sam. You have had such a difficult year. I really hope that the rest of the year is kind to you.

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  6. My friend, I don’t know what to say because we’ve spoken about this before but what I do want to say is that I am so glad that you have this out now, writing it down, saying it out loud always helps you to start healing – A very brave step indeed.

    When I look at you, when I see the pain in your eyes my heart truly breaks for you because I can see how much all this has changed the core of you, your soul. Your life has never been easy and that makes me angry because you are beautiful inside and out and you deserve to get your break now, your happy ending. BUT know this, I will be here all the way, right to the very end. Your Dad knows your pain now, it wont be overnight at all but now you can start to heal and forgive – one little step at a time.

    Love you SO much Xxx

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  7. Very raw emotions spilling out here.

    I know that your Dad must have had it very hard to have kept the news of his sickness to himself. I wish you had had more time with your Dad.

    But I pray that his blessings are with you and your family.

    Hugs.

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  8. BIG hugs Sam!! 6 months is quite a milestone in the grieving process! I remember being extremely angry and resentful for about a year after my dad died. Not angry at him, but angry at how medicine had failed him – a tough one, as I was a medical student at the time!!
    Anyhoo – thinking of you as you travel this path and bear this cross. Life does not always seem fair, and its normal to visit the woulda,coulda, shoulda aspects….. That said: It changes nothing, so acknowledge, and let it go.
    It sounds trite now, because your grief is still so raw – but time is a healer.
    Am here for you my friend x-x

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  9. I really don’t know what to say as I haven’t lost a parent and hope that it won’t happen in the way you lost your dad (so far away from you). A friend of mine lost her dad when we were in matric and he also wouldn’t let her and her brother see him towards the end and I know it hurt her tremendously. Funny how often when one tries to protect those we love, we land up causing them more pain. My thoughts are with you.

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  10. Writing it out always helps not only the soul to slowly let go but also the heart to heal. The anger you’re feeling right now is totally normal and should not be bottled up but released, let the world feel the full force of it.

    I was so angry for a full year after my Dad passed over (from Cancer), I was sad that he’d been taken from us but oh so pissed off because he shouldn’t have been.

    Big hugs and vent as often as you need to.

    ICLW
    #41 http://themissruby.blogspot.com/

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  11. My heart was very sore reading this…I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through to get to this point..the frustration of loving someone but being angry with them..and not being able to get the feedback you need

    Thinking of you…Your strength in a very trying year is amazing and I wish you all the best..

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  12. This post was very real and I can relate to some of the things you said after losing my mom at an early age. I hope you felt some comfort after getting the words out – I know I have in the past. Be strong!

    ICLW #117

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  13. My heart goes out to you. I hear how much pain you you’re in.

    If you’re interested, I’d LOVE to offer to do an a powerful grief coaching exercise that can help you begin to heal a relationship, especially with someone who has died. Every time I do it, it blows me away. Please e-mail me if you’d like to give it a try (no strings attached). michelleATgriefinterrupted.com

    Warmly,
    Michelle
    ICLW #144

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  14. Pingback: … continued! « The Lucky Life

  15. My heart aches reading this my friend, can only but imagine how you must feel. What I do know is that you have what it takes to turn this heartache around in your favour, this weakness and pain into greater strength and resolve. Thinking of you and praying for you as you battle your way through the acceptance of your loss. A loss I wish you did not have to suffer, especially in this way.

    Much love. xxx

    M

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  16. I just wanted to cry when I read this post. What a lot of emotions and “stuff” you have had to deal with on top of your IF.
    Don’t be surprised that all this is surfacing after 6 months. It is a normal part of the grief process and a very necessary stage. I think you are very courageous to own up to your feelings and hope that by writing this blog you will be able to let go of some of the emotions.
    Sending huge hugs

    Daryl

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