Where on earth did the years go? 32 years ago my mom (my wonderful amazing mom) pushed me out of her womb. 32 years old already. I have a wonderful life. I’m extremely blessed. But at times today as I celebrated with my beloved family and friends, I caught myself being wistful and felt the deep longing I feel ache inside as the day whittled itself away.
I guess part of the reason why I had moments of sadness today was due the fact that should my chemical have been a viable pregnancy I would have been around 32 weeks pregnant today. 32 weeks on my 32nd birthday. Oh the irony. I would have been preparing for the immenent arrival of my baby (or babies) and life would have been a little different. I was chatting to a friend via text two nights ago and I was trying to make rhyme and reason of this journey I find myself on and she said something that resonated within. Infertility is like cancer. It strikes even the best of us. It strikes Godly people. It strikes non Godly people. And there is NO rhyme nor reason in it. At all.
So when I felt myself heading towards the villiage of wistfulness, I looked around at the friends and family who had braved the cold weather (it was 8 degrees C today in SA – brrrrrr. ) to join me at the Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens for a picnic, and I turned by back on wistfulness and embraced the joy. We found a great spot which maximized the sunshine and minimized the chilly wind and had an AYOBA day. Yes my heart is sore for the babies that never were. But I am undoubtedly blessed. My life is good, I have a great husband (even in the times when he drives me to drink), I have wonderful family, I have friends who love me, I have friends who understand me. And that says something.
I have a renewed strength building inside me. My rainbow farts are building up inside and I’m even releasing some of them. My mustard seeds of faith that Cliff and I will still have our family are starting to germinate and are growing day by day. We’re ready to start planning IVF #6. I will not allow my sadness to steal my joy. Because there is SO MUCH JOY.
Here I sit, 32 years old, watching my national soccer team compete in the Fifa World Cup hosted by our wonderful and amazingly diverse country and I am so grateful for what I DO have in my life.
Happy Birthday to me.