Happy Birthday 2 Me

Wow.

Where on earth did the years go?  32 years ago my mom (my wonderful amazing mom) pushed me out of her womb.  32 years old already.  I have a wonderful life.  I’m extremely blessed.  But at times today as I celebrated with my beloved family and friends, I caught myself being wistful and felt the deep longing I feel ache inside as the day whittled itself  away.

I guess part of the reason why I had moments of sadness today was due the fact that should my chemical have been a viable pregnancy I would have been around 32 weeks pregnant today.  32 weeks on my 32nd birthday.  Oh the irony. I would have been preparing for the immenent arrival of my baby (or babies) and life would have been a little different.  I was chatting to a friend via text two nights ago and I was trying to make rhyme and reason of this journey I find myself on and she said something that resonated within.  Infertility is like cancer.  It strikes even the best of us.  It strikes Godly people.  It strikes non Godly people.  And there is NO rhyme nor reason in it.  At all.

So when I felt myself heading towards the villiage of wistfulness, I looked around at the friends and family who had braved the cold weather (it was 8 degrees C today in SA  – brrrrrr. ) to join me at the Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens for a picnic, and I turned by back on wistfulness and embraced the joy.  We found a great spot which maximized the sunshine and minimized the chilly wind and had an AYOBA day.  Yes my heart is sore for the babies that never were.  But I am undoubtedly blessed. My life is good, I have a great husband (even in the times when he drives me to drink), I have wonderful family, I have friends who love me, I have friends who understand me.  And that says something.

I have a renewed strength building inside me.  My rainbow farts are building up inside and I’m even releasing some of them. My mustard seeds of faith that Cliff and I will still have our family are starting to germinate and are growing day by day.  We’re ready to start planning IVF #6.  I will not allow my sadness to steal my joy.  Because there is SO MUCH JOY.

Here I sit, 32 years old, watching my national soccer team compete in the Fifa World Cup hosted by our wonderful and amazingly diverse country and I am so grateful for what I DO have in my life.

Happy Birthday to me.

Me and my seestor

Me and my Mommy!

Me and a Special Friend!

Me and mah gals 🙂

Me and my honey pie (not a flattering pic of me)

Me and Peanuttam 🙂

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52 thoughts on “Happy Birthday 2 Me

  1. Happy Happy Birthday….and thumbs up for having those “nutty” friends that ventured out in the cold to spend some time with you..many smiles

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  2. So glad you had a special day surrounded by people who love you so much! May all your dreams come true Sammy Sam. Lots of love to a wonderful woman

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  3. It was a very special day my friend! I know I felt that longing yesterday too so I get what you are saying. That’s the thing with this journey – happy moments become bitter sweet because we know that they are not quite complete or whole as they are – something is always missing. Believing for you and Cliff my friend. xxxx

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  4. Happy happy birthday! May many good things and beautiful surprises come your way !!

    Glad you are in a good place, filled with hope again.

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  5. happy bday to you!! So glad you have a good day, even though it was so flippn freezing!! cant wait to hold your hand when you start the next cycle…

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  6. It was an honour to spend your special day with you my friend.

    I’m sorry that your heart is still sore and that the longing you have for a child has not be fulfilled yet but I know that it will be. I’m with you all the way my friend, one day this journey will be over and we will be at peace. I know it in my heart.

    Love you plenty!

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  7. Happy birthday!

    I did not realise I was older than you 🙂 Must repeat to self ‘a long time since I was 20, a LOOOOONNNNG time’

    xx

    g

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  8. Shucks! I’m always late! Late, late, late…twice as late as I used to be. I wonder why…hmmm….let me finks…anyway…Happy birthday skattebol!

    Love you lots and can’t wait to see you soon!

    You know what we all wish for for your birthday. Damn will that be a good day!

    M xxx

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  9. Happy Belated Birthday! Sounds like you have a plan brewing in your head and heart. Wishing you the best year ahead Sam! 🙂

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  10. Happy birthday!!!

    My next birthday (which is 35… yikes. Officially “advanced maternal age) will fall on the day before my EDD with my most recent (miscarried) pregnancy. Unless I am somehow miraculously pregnant by then (and even if I am), I don’t expect it to be a super happy one…

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  11. Good for you for allowing the joy to be bigger! You have a lovely life and someday you will have babies to share it with! I am holding onto that mustard seed of faith with you! Happy ICLW!

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  12. Happy Birthday. I love that quote that your friend gave you. I’m gonna have to keep that in mind. I never thought of it that way.

    Keep your head up. 🙂

    Ashlee ICLW#180

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  13. Belated wishes for your birthday…I am sorry it was such a bittersweet one with the irony of your 32 years and 32 weeks, but admire your hope and inspiration.

    Cling to that mustard seed. It can move mountains.

    Lori ICLW 105

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  14. Happy Birthday! I know how crushing chemical pregnancies can be. I had 2 of them. But I also got pregnant with a beautiful girl (who is now 3) and b/g twins who are now 9 months. I blog to help others get through the stress and I just added your link! I wish you all the best on this next IVF! Your optimism is awe-inspiring! Happy ICLW!

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