Since my GIFT failed so miserably, I’ve been punishing my body in the only way I know how. I’ve punished my pcos ovaries and empty uterus by over eating, over drinking and not exercising. I’ve put on more weight than I care to admit in this push to punish my body. The weight – it’s fed my insecurities and has my self esteem at an all time low.
It felt good to punish my body.
Because the one thing my body knows how to do is take all that extra food and drink and store it. It’ KNOWS how to do something naturally. Something that it is supposed to do in these circumstances. And if it can’t work on it’s own to create a baby, then at least it can work on it’s own to make me fat.
Today I’ve decided enough is enough. It’s time to stop punishing my body and for me to accept that it just does not work the way it is supposed to when it comes to fertility. That knowing the only way I’ll ever conceive is in a laboratory is ok. This is my body. It’s the only one I’ve got and I’ve been treating it so badly in the last few months. It’s doing the best it can under the circumstances and it’s time to stop being a bitch to my body.
So I’m moving towards forgiveness. Forgiveness for my body that I’ve hated and punished for failing me. I know it’s not going to be easy to break this habit I’ve got myself into. But if and when we decide to try another IVF I don’t want to be in the place where I question my body quality.
So moving forward I’ve dug out my dietician plan. I’m going to shop according to it and eat according to it again. I’m going to cut down drastically on the wine. And I’ve dug out my running shoes from the depths of my cupboards.
I’m going to enter a 21km race. And I’m going to slowly train for that race. I’m going to move forward to a healthier me and in that process I will hopefully learn to forgive my body completely. Who knows perhaps through this process I’ll even learn to love it a bit again.
We’ve made no plans for another treatment except in that we’re quietly squirreling any extra money away for one. When we’ll do it, we have NO idea. But we know that there will be a next one. One last attempt at becoming a family that has human kids.
Someone once said “forgivenss is freedom”. I’m keen to get myself closer to freedom again. And I think at the end of it all my body, this poor fat punished body is going to thank me for it.