Forgiveness & Moving Forward

Since my GIFT failed so miserably, I’ve been punishing my body in the only way I know how.  I’ve punished my pcos ovaries and empty uterus by over eating, over drinking and not exercising.  I’ve put on more weight than I care to admit in this push to punish my body.  The weight  – it’s fed my insecurities and has my self esteem at an all time low.

It felt good to punish my body. 

Because the one thing my body knows how to do is take all that extra food and drink and store it.  It’ KNOWS how to do something naturally.  Something that it is supposed to do in these circumstances.  And if it can’t work on it’s own to create a baby, then at least it can work on it’s own to make me fat.

Today I’ve decided enough is enough.  It’s time to stop punishing my body and for me to accept that it just does not work the way it is supposed to when it comes to fertility.  That knowing the only way I’ll ever conceive is in a laboratory is ok.  This is my body.  It’s the only one I’ve got and I’ve been treating it so badly in the last few months.  It’s doing the best it can under the circumstances and it’s time to stop being a bitch to my body.

So I’m moving towards forgiveness.  Forgiveness for my body that I’ve hated and punished for failing me.  I know it’s not going to be easy to break this habit I’ve got myself into.   But if and when we decide to try another IVF I don’t want to be in the place where I question my body quality.

So moving forward I’ve dug out my dietician plan.  I’m going to shop according to it and eat according to it again.  I’m going to cut down drastically on the wine.  And I’ve dug out my running shoes from the depths of my cupboards. 

I’m going to enter a 21km race.  And I’m going to slowly train for that race.  I’m going to move forward to a healthier me and in that process I will hopefully learn to forgive my body completely.  Who knows perhaps through this process I’ll even learn to love it a bit again.

We’ve made no plans for another treatment except in that we’re quietly squirreling any extra money away for one.  When we’ll do it, we have NO idea.  But we know that there will be a next one.  One last attempt at becoming a family that has human kids.

Someone once said “forgivenss is freedom”.  I’m keen to get myself closer to freedom again.  And I think at the end of it all my body, this poor fat punished body is going to thank me for it.


19 thoughts on “Forgiveness & Moving Forward

  1. Its so difficult to have a good relationship with your body under these circumstances. I also need to start forgiving mine.


  2. I understand completely. My weight has also been a constant struggle. Its the damn wine thats so bad for the weight(what a pity). I wish you all the best for your new-look healthy body! xxx


  3. I’m very bad at foregiveness Sam. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully forgive any of ‘this’ but you inspire me to try! Sending big hugs xxxx


  4. Forgiveness and acceptance are the keys to moving on and freedom. It seems to me like acceptance is where you’re at and you’re on the road to recovery. Good luck and I’ll be routing for you from the side lines xxx


  5. I have never been through this but its a process you need to go through – almost a grieving process. Glad you have reached the forgiveness stage 🙂 You will move forward from here!


  6. Sounds like just what you need right now…

    Can’t wait to hear about your race and the training!

    Moving forward is tough, but we’re here to support you all the way!



  7. You are inspiring and I admire your tenacity in the face of such heartbreak. I think you have to hit a limit before you can move forward and it sounds like you reached yours. Good for you. We’ll be rooting for you and maybe if I am lucky, some of your inspiration will rub off on me and I’ll get of the friggin couch and go and run. 🙂


  8. You go girl! I also dug out my running shoes this morning and going to find it very hard to get out of bad habits. Damn that wine! I admire your determination my friend. Good luck


  9. Entering a race is an incredible motivator. Make it one that’s far away and book the accommodation so you can’t back out easily. All the best.


  10. All part of the healing process Sam, both the punishing your body stage and now the getting it back in shape stage. Not at all easy to go through and I won’t wish it on my worst enemy never mind a sweet friend like you but sounds like you’re on the road to recovery.


  11. Shoo Sam – to forgive is not an easy thing to do, especially forgiving oneself. I admire you for that – I really do. Good luck with the diet and the running!!


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