You know what today is? CD 59. It’s also my 6th day of being back on the pill. I’m mostly ok with it. But let me back track a bit.
At our last WTF appointment my lovely doc had told me that he did not want me on any form of meds for 3 months – we felt that my body needed a break from artificial hormones for a while. We agreed that whilst I needed to not be on meds, I also needed to have a regular period so if I had not had a bleed by the 28th April (CD53) I was to contact him and we would decide a way forward.
28th April dawned and still no bloody period. So I popped my FS an email and asked him what he wanted to do. He wanted me to go in for a scan the next day and based on that we would decide our course of action.
I can’t tell you how weird anxious sad scared heartbroken odd I felt walking into the clinic again. It was hectically busy and there were so many new faces. New faces filled with hope and excitement. While mine was set in stone. New faces whose hearts were thumping in excited anticipation. While mine was constricted and did not want to beat. I was greeted by name by all the staff there and chatted a bit with some of them while waiting my turn. A new face asked me if I was there to have my second baby cos they all knew me so well. I said no I was still trying for my first. She asked how long I’d been trying. I told her 6 years. She asked how many times I’ve done this. I told her five. She mumbled something and turned away from me.
Oops I did it again, I made another one scared and nervous. *sigh*
So into the scan room I went with a thumping heart. I don’t know why I was so scared… actually I’m fibbing. I do know. In the smallest region of my heart I was secretly hoping that I would be one of *those* women. You know the ones right? The ones who after 6 years of infertility and several failed IVF’s miraculously spontaneously fall pregnant all.on.their.own.
I know I should have known better. My body? It’s not known for its regularity in ovulation. It’s not known for its perky little 28 day cycles. What it is known for are my over 100 day cycles and that record-breaking 198 day cycle. It is certainly not known for its ability to miraculously fall pregnant. But a teensy weensy part of me could not forget that we had got it on on CD15. And that silly little teensy weensy part of me could not help but hope that I might be legend.
Clearly I should know to know better. My FS was all excited cos he found a corpus luteum cyst and thought my period would come all on its own but just to be sure he sent me for some bloods to check my E2 and progesterone levels. My levels were so low they were through the floor. So even if my wonderfully PCOS body had somehow managed to create a follie and release it, my wonderfully PCOS body could not manage to keep it going. Great.
So here I sit dutifully popping my daily pill feeling a bit silly. A lot dumb. And very, very broken. I’ve been trying so hard to get myself back into a positive frame of mind about this journey we’re on. I’ve been immersing myself in my relationship with God (which is still tenuous at best but it’s slowly getting better) and just really trying to focus on all the good I have in my life. I’ve been looking within and willing myself to find strength to keep believing that this can happen for us.
I think that the fact I was secretly a teensy bit hopeful at that scan shows that I *can* dredge up the strength and hope to do this again. I think it shows that sometime in the future my fighting spirit will rise again.
But today? Right now as my fingers fly across this keyboard? I feel so silly and so dumb for believing. I feel so unbelievably stupid for having believed that *my* body (whose track record has been far from sterling) could actually work.
And I would give anything for that feeling to be gone.