Feeling a bit silly

You know what today is?  CD 59.  It’s also my 6th day of being back on the pill.  I’m mostly ok with it.  But let me back track a bit. 

At our last WTF appointment my lovely doc had told me that he did not want me on any form of meds for 3 months – we felt that my body needed a break from artificial hormones for a while.  We agreed that whilst I needed to not be on meds, I also needed to have a regular period so if I had not had a bleed by the 28th April (CD53) I was to contact him and we would decide a way forward.

28th April dawned and still no bloody period.  So I popped my FS an email and asked him what he wanted to do.  He wanted me to go in for a scan the next day and based on that we would decide our course of action. 

I can’t tell you how weird anxious sad scared heartbroken odd I felt walking into the clinic again.  It was hectically busy and there were so many new faces.  New faces filled with hope and excitement.  While mine was set in stone.  New faces whose hearts were thumping in excited anticipation.   While mine was constricted and did not want to beat.  I was greeted by name by all the staff there and chatted a bit with some of them while waiting my turn.  A new face asked me if I was there to have my second baby cos they all knew me so well.  I said no I was still trying for my first.  She asked how long I’d been trying.  I told her 6 years.  She asked how many times I’ve done this.  I told her five.  She mumbled something and turned away from me. 

Oops I did it again, I made another one scared and nervous. *sigh*

So into the scan room I went with a thumping heart.  I don’t know why I was so scared… actually I’m fibbing.  I do know.  In the smallest region of my heart I was secretly hoping that I would be one of *those* women.  You know the ones right?  The ones who after 6 years of infertility and several failed IVF’s miraculously spontaneously fall pregnant all.on.their.own. 

I know I should have known better.  My body?  It’s not known for its regularity in ovulation.  It’s not known for its perky little 28 day cycles.  What it is known for are my over 100 day cycles and that record-breaking 198 day cycle.  It is certainly not known for its ability to miraculously fall pregnant.  But a teensy weensy part of me could not forget that we had got it on on CD15.  And that silly little teensy weensy part of me could not help but hope that I might be legend.

Clearly I should know to know better.  My FS was all excited cos he found a corpus luteum cyst and thought my period would come all on its own but just to be sure he sent me for some bloods to check my E2 and progesterone levels.  My levels were so low they were through the floor.  So even if my wonderfully PCOS body had somehow managed to create a follie and release it, my wonderfully PCOS body could not manage to keep it going.  Great. 

So here I sit dutifully popping my daily pill feeling a bit silly.  A lot dumb.  And very, very broken.  I’ve been trying so hard to get myself back into a positive frame of mind about this journey we’re on.  I’ve been immersing myself in my relationship with God (which is still tenuous at best but it’s slowly getting better) and just really trying to focus on all the good I have in my life.  I’ve been looking within and willing myself to find strength to keep believing that this can happen for us.

I think that the fact I was secretly a teensy bit hopeful at that scan shows that I *can* dredge up the strength and hope to do this again.  I think it shows that sometime in the future my fighting spirit will rise again.

But today?  Right now as my fingers fly across this keyboard?  I feel so silly and so dumb for believing.  I feel so unbelievably stupid for having believed that *my* body (whose track record has been far from sterling) could actually work.

And I would give anything for that feeling to be gone.

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19 thoughts on “Feeling a bit silly

  1. Not really possible to not have some tiny little hope when AF is AWOL. Don’t feel silly, anyone else would have done exactly the same thing. I am sad that you’re sad. {hugs}

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  2. I am not going to try and come up with words of wisdom or something brilliantly comforting…cause quite frankly I have not walked your path…
    But I am gonna send you a lotta love and let you know that I am there if you need someone to slap..

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  3. Don’t feel silly Budg! I know I’m a fine one to talk but seriously, miracles happen all the time and there’s no reason that a miracle won’t happen to you! I’m believing in it!

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  4. I can so relate to this post Sam. The visit to VL and knowing all the staff…and then some newbie wanting to share stories. My heart is hardend too my friend. My outlook is grey and bitchy and I too feel like a total fool trying to put on a brave face for the world. Trying to pretend I’m not completely broken in every way. Sending you a huge hug. I’m always here for you my friend. xxx

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  5. You’re neither silly nor dumb Sam, you’re human for thinking that just once a miracle could come your way. It’s that little bit of hope that keeps you going, and it’s that wonderful enthusiasm that keeps us coming back to support you in your kakkest times.

    Huge hugs girl.

    XXX

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  6. I think maybe we were twins separated at birth! I had a record breaking loss of AF too!

    Perhaps a boost will get you back on track..at least that’s what I am going to hope. xoxox

    And, you’re not silly. Don’t ever think that.

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  7. I hate it when our body does that to us….I had a similar episode in August last year…negative HPTs and no AF….beta<0, I went to u/s still hoping for a visual of a snuggled in fetus. Stupid I know.

    And yes, we shall overcome.

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  8. Isn’t it crazy how we can still feel that glimmer of hope, even despite everything? I like to think that it’s Gods way of telling us that he’s there waiting to help when we’re ready again.

    Hugs!
    Jeannine

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  9. I’m feeling your sadness so much. I wish I could take the sadness away, just for a while. I wish you didn’t feel broken, but whole and ready and happy. Sending you a little prayer.

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  10. I just want to pop in to say hi, still here for you, still thinking about you and hoping and praying with you.

    HUGS!!!!

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  11. Awww, Sam, not stupid at all. We have all been there and despite what we have been through always manage to find that sliver of hope and hold on tight.

    Sending hugs, my friend. I’m sorry the outcome was not what we all wish it was.

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  12. You know how much I love you my friend and nothing, nothing, nothing would make me happier than to watch you get that miracle. Like you, I don’t believe in miracles and get sooo pissed off when that hope creeps into my heart when my heart is still trying to heal. If only there was a switch to turn this all off and to stop wanting it, let me tell you, I would flick the switch so damn fast that my head would spin.

    We will find the strength, slowly, eventually things will change and we will feel like we can do it all over again and hope again that this time will be different but right now that doesn’t make it any easier.

    Sending loads of hugs sweets Xxx

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  13. I completely know that feeling. i can let the slightest twinge of silly hope creep in and then poof, it’s gone. It’s never silly though. The heart wants what it wants.

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  14. You are not silly in the least.

    I am just as broken, but I cannot complain because I got very lucky.

    I wish you the same luck soon, lovely Sam,

    g

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