It seems that my mind is finally starting to process all that I’ve had to face in the last three months.
We went away for the long weekend to my brother in law’s family game farm and it was just wonderful. Awesome weather and stunning game drives and lots of “Young” family time.
The kicker was that the setting reminded me so much of my Dad. It was his kind of place through and through. And my heart ached for the loss of him. For the words unsaid to him. For the times I snapped at him in anger that I can’t take back now. So many regrets came to the fore.
The other kicker came in an unexpected form. Seeing my in laws interact with my delightful nephews and seeing the love they have for their grandsons broke my splintered heart in half. I really want to be able to share that with them. I want to be able to give them that joy. I want my husband’s children to be smothered with granparental love. And it only drove home how woefully inadequate I’ve been in that department. It sounds melodramatic but I could almost feel my womb ache with it’s emptiness.
So whilst we had a really good weekend away, I found myself at the brink of tears practically all the time. I also started getting a scratchy throat and bad post nasal drip while we were away – I put it down to the dusty game drives. But it’s not to be. My body is also telling me I need some me time. Today I’m deep in the clutches of the firey scratchy “can’t swallow” throat, and the post nasal drip from hell. My voice is on it’s way out and I can’t get myself to the doctor soon enough so she can book me off for tomorrow and I can try and get some sleep.
I called my friend last night to find out how her GIFT had gone that morning and ended up breaking down and crying with her. She feels that I might be depressed and asked me to consider chatting to my FS about getting some anti depressants. I’m not discounting that option at all but I just don’t feel like that’s the right thing for me. My family has huge addictive tendancies and whilst I know that most ppl don’t get addicted to AD’s, I just can’t take that step right now.
I think that I need some time to just allow myself to feel everything that’s hitting me right now and that once I allow myself to get it all out and feel it that I’ll be able to find my way back to being “rainbow fart” Sam that I normally am. Our blessings’s board has been fanning that flame in me and I’m really glad that we started it.
*sigh* I don’t know, it feels like I had to hold it all together so much when my Dad died cos my Mom and sister lost it, and then there was the additional stress of the delay we had to deal with in getting him cremated and back to SA for his local memorial and our closure (even that weekend I had to keep it together cos Mom and my sister were so loskop and all over the place) and then dealing with the GIFT at the same time was too much. (Guess in hindsight I should have delayed the treatment after all) I’ve had to work and just keep going and now. Now my body and mind are saying “Time out girlfriend” and I have to listen.
Time to focus a bit on me and to stop worrying about everyone else’s opinions on whether I should stop or carry on trying or whatever. Time to cry it out and to listen to what my heart and my body are telling me. Time to learn to trust myself again.
One things for sure, this IF journey is not for sissies.