Confused & Tearful

It seems that my mind is finally starting to process all that I’ve had to face in the last three months.  

We went away for the long weekend to my brother in law’s family game farm and it was just wonderful.  Awesome weather and stunning game drives and lots of “Young” family time. 

The kicker was that the setting reminded me so much of my Dad.  It was his kind of place through and through.  And my heart ached for the loss of him.  For the words unsaid to him.  For the times I snapped at him in anger that I can’t take back now.  So many regrets came to the fore.

The other kicker came in an unexpected form.  Seeing my in laws interact with my delightful nephews and seeing the love they have for their grandsons broke my splintered heart in half.  I really want to be able to share that with them.  I want to be able to give them that joy.  I want my husband’s children to be smothered with granparental love.  And it only drove home how woefully inadequate I’ve been in that department.  It sounds melodramatic but I could almost feel my womb ache with it’s emptiness.

So whilst we had a really good weekend away, I found myself at the brink of tears practically all the time.  I also started getting a scratchy throat and bad post nasal drip while we were away – I put it down to the dusty game drives. But it’s not to be.  My body is also telling me I need some me time.  Today I’m deep in the clutches of the firey scratchy “can’t swallow” throat, and the post nasal drip from hell.  My voice is on it’s way out and I can’t get myself to the doctor soon enough so she can book me off for tomorrow and I can try and get some sleep.

I called my friend last night to find out how her GIFT had gone that morning and ended up breaking down and crying with her.  She feels that I might be depressed and asked me to consider chatting to my FS about getting some anti depressants.  I’m not discounting that option at all but I just don’t feel like that’s the right thing for me.  My family has huge addictive tendancies and whilst I know that most ppl don’t get addicted to AD’s, I just can’t take that step right now.

I think that I need some time to just allow myself to feel everything that’s hitting me right now and that once I allow myself to get it all out and feel it that I’ll be able to find my way back to being “rainbow fart” Sam that I normally am.  Our blessings’s board has been fanning that flame in me and I’m really glad that we started it.

*sigh*  I don’t know, it feels like I had to hold it all together so much when my Dad died cos my Mom and sister lost it, and then there was the additional stress of the delay we had to deal with in getting him cremated and back to SA for his local memorial and our closure (even that weekend I had to keep it together cos Mom and my sister were so loskop and all over the place) and then dealing with the GIFT at the same time was too much.  (Guess in hindsight I should have delayed the treatment after all) I’ve had to work and just keep going and now.  Now my body and mind are saying “Time out girlfriend” and I have to listen.

Time to focus a bit on me and to stop worrying about everyone else’s opinions on whether I should stop or carry on trying or whatever.  Time to cry it out and to listen to what my heart and my body are telling me.  Time to learn to trust myself again.

One things for sure, this IF journey is not for sissies.


33 thoughts on “Confused & Tearful

  1. Hi Sam

    You and Cliff are the only ones who can make the decision on whether to stop or to carry on.You really do need to take time out as this whole process is thoroughly exhausting. I am sorry you had to go through this difficult weekend – you have had alot to deal with all at once.

    lots and lots of love


  2. You have been through so much and there is only so much your heart can take. So if your body is calling for a time out then you need to oblige. Give yourself some time to work through all you’ve been through. Allow yourself to cry until your chest hurts, cry until there are no more tears left, cry until there’s nothing left. Get it all out and allow yourself to ‘wallow’ for a while, you need it and you deserve it and there’s no shame in it. So take some time off from everyone and everything else, and take the time for yourself to make sense and find yourself after all you’ve been through. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, there’s only so much one can take….

    My thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time


  3. First off big hugs!!!

    “And it only drove home how woefully inadequate I’ve been in that department. It sounds melodramatic but I could almost feel my womb ache with it’s emptiness.”

    I could have written that with ease. I have those same thoughts daily, I try to banish them but they keep coming back and they always hit me when I least expect it and I have to take a big deep breath in and fight back the tears.

    Re your Dad. My Dad died the day after my birthday 2 years ago this year. I am still yet to properly grieve for him. I’m not sure I ever will. I had my 5th miscarriage the day we found out that his Cancer had not only come back but was also terminal. When I think about the past 10 years and all I’ve beenn through I’m surprised I’m still standing. My trip to England later this year is about helping me find myself again and giving ME a breather.

    Grieving will come to you in time, and when it does, just let it happen….



  4. Sam, it was just a matter of time until it all came out. You have been sooo strong these past few weeks and it’s not actually doing you any good. Sometimes we all just need to fall apart before we can put ourselves back together again. You deserve this time to yourself to heal and reflect. ‘Rainbow Fart Sam’ will be back but right now she needs to look after herself, build her inner strength and load up on beans and broccoli ;0) Sending big hugs((())) xxxx


  5. Life has a way of writing the most painful stories through the gentlest of souls. Breaks my heart seeing you suffer like this and bearing this heart wrenching pain.

    Thinking of you in this dreadfully painful time my friend.

    ((Hugs)) M xxx


  6. I can’t tell you how sore my heart was for you last night my friend, I think it’s the first time I’ve heard you cry and I just want to take your pain away, if I could, I surely would.

    Like I said to you, this is about YOU, about YOU and CLIFF, no-one else. You two do what you need to do right now and if that’s telling people to back off then so be it (people who love you will understand and if they don’t then that’s their issue, not yours)

    You have been on a long hard journey, you have stayed so strong and never really let yourself grieve and it’s very important to let that happen. It needs to come out and you need some Sam time.

    I love you dearly sweets and no-matter what is happening in my life, I will always, always be there to listen. YOU WILL GET THRU THIS, ALL YOU NEED IS TIME…


  7. Sadness and depression are two different things. It’s OK to be sad, our society tries to suppress that. People don’t like to see us sad, but it’s totally normal and healthy. I say cry, empty the bucket. You have the right attitude, just give yourself some space and let those feelings work their way out. Someone said to me that grief is like waves from the ocean lapping at the shore, let it come over you and it will naturally recede again, you don’t have to do anything to change it. Eventually, your life will continue again, it will be “normal”. It will never be the same, I always still have sadness here and there, but it can fit in with your life without consuming you. Don’t be afraid, I think you are doing so well. The rainbow farter will be back before you know it!


  8. If you even think that you MAYBE might need anti-depressants it can’t hurt to ask a doctor’s opinion, and I have found them very helpful.

    That said, I’ll tell you this: I have spent time in therapy as a result of some truly shitty life-circumstances at various points in my past, and there have been times when I’ve been deeply unhappy or unbearably anxious and asked the professionals whether I ought to be worried about my mental health only to be told that I was “reacting appropriately to extraordinary circumstances” and THEY would question my mental health if I WASN’T a wreck. Sometimes life is an asshole and no amount of SSRIs or talk therapy is going to keep you from being unhappy as a result of grief, loss, and uncertainty.

    Personally I like to err on the side of staying on the meds, because I do get a demonstrable benefit from them and I know that my life comes with a certain amount of predictable stress that isn’t going to go away any time in the immediate future. You could always start taking them and experiment with going back off when you’ve worked through some of the (legitimate! appropriate!) feelings you’re having right now. If you decide to do any sort of therapy I’d actually suggest starting the meds first, because it stirs things up before it settles them down and is sometimes the final straw in my experience…


  9. Oh Sam I want those rainbow farts back around soon!!! IF is definitely NOT for punks, and we are all so not punks. Times like you are experiencing now, we have all been there, not easy but you WILL get through it. Take some time for you, and know we are ALL here for you always. Bigs hugs my friend. xoxoxoxo


  10. Oh Sam I can so relate to what you are going through. I keep having to remind myself when I find myself confused and tearful that it’s only been seven weeks since my mom also passed away. Those feelings of regret (and in my case guilt) are so normal and just a part of the grieving process we have to go through. I also don’t believe in ADs and am a believer in allowing yourself to feel the way you feel, they are your emotions and you are allowed to have them and are allowed to be overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Grief is a process and no one can tell you how long is normal to go through it. Add to your Dad’s death what you have been through on this sh!tty journey and it’s no wonder you need lots of love and hugs from people who get it. I am sending you LOTS of love and hugs.


  11. You are a very strong person it seems. And IF, and loss, are hard for any heart for bear. Sometimes it does help to talk to a professional about these things, but it’s never the complete answer. Grief is hard to bear. I wish it was some other way. I have found though, that some days are better than others, and to never forget about the bright spots…



  12. I don’t believe you are depressed, Sam. You are dealing with grief on top of grief and that has to go somewhere. I’m glad you are letting it out. There is a time for rainbow farts, but there is also a time to allow yourself to fully grieve and feel your loss. Take all the time you need and know that I am here listening to every word. Many hugs, sweet friend.


  13. Huge huge hugs!

    I have to agree with Lost in Space, you’re dealing with alot and anyone would be depressed given the situation. Give yourself time to grieve, and know that we’re all here for you if you need us.

    ICLW #33


  14. Now my B would tell me “No stress, no growth”…everyone needs to hit a place where up in all there is too go. I think, you have reached that place….you have been hanging on, hovering over that plateau and have now landed…Your rainbow fart will return..but now, it is your time…take the time, be kind to yourself…and if you need to call up a telephone number and swear violently at the person on the otherside…I will gladly give you my number…smile…sending you love, light and divine blessings.


  15. I think the big difference between grief and depression is wether you still look forward to things in life, even small little pleasures, like the things you feel grateful for. If nothing does really speak to you in more that 2 weeks, that is different than grief.
    This being said, I find it scary when grief last long, and one misses one’s “good old self” not knowing if and when it will (ever) come back.
    Perhaps it would be good to see someone to accopagny you in your grief process, before taking AD.
    I so wish that one day all the grief will make sense…take your time Sam.


  16. Sam, you and Cliff is the only 2 who can make this decision, and you’re so right when saying that the IF Journey is not for sissies. Hang in there girlfriend, I hope you find your way soon!


  17. Ai Sam – you know I also don’t cry, but your post really made me sad today – sad for you, because all this is so unnecessary. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs!!


  18. This is the right thing my friend. Let it out, and do take your time. I don’t know if you are depressed but I think everyone who’s gone through what you’ve gone through is ALLOWED to be sad and crying at the drop of a hat. You didn’t have time to mourn properly, too many things at the one time, too many losses and having to put up a face for the others. It’s like a pressure cooker, it has to give in at some point. monitor how you feel for a little longer, I am fully confident you’ll regain your rainbow spirit. Sending you love and peaceful thoughts, Fran


  19. In my lowest of lows, Sam, I felt the same way as you do about anti-depressants.

    There is nothing wrong with them and they work wonders for many people. For me, I wanted to try to fight thru my feelings and sadness first, before I tried them. I found a wonderful therapist that supported me and promised to tell me honestly if I needed them….is that an option for you?

    You’ve been through so much, it’s time to take some time for yourself.

    Keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers…



  20. I am SO sorry about all this my love. I can relate to all your feelings of so-called ‘inadequacy’ and it’s not easy. Sending you hugs, love ‘n light.
    On the AD front – I also wasn’t keen on prescription meds, so tried herbal types from Cl.icks. Try B.iral. It did the trick for me. Or St Johns’ Wort (V.ital range).
    Take care of you.
    xx Lisa-Marie


  21. Sam, I am so very sorry. I think feeling everything is a good thing, as long as you don’t fall into a dark hole of dispair.



  22. You have had to keep it together these last few months, gosh I admire you alot for how you have handled everything. I just want to tell you that you are a strong, stunning woman and deserve the best. xxx


  23. (((hugs))) Thinking of you buddy, you’ve been to hell and back in the last couple of months.
    I’d have to say, I agree with you re. the AD’s. You’re not a naturally depressed person,you’re not having an unnaturally depressed response to what you’ve been through. You’ve been dealt a number of shitty blows over the past couple of months and the way you are feeling now is a perfectly natural response to that. Personally I think its a good idea that you take a time out for yourself and allow yourself to feel these emotions so that you can deal with it and then try and move on from it and be that rainbow fart Sam all over again. Budg, its noraml to be depressed and sad during times of saddness, name it and claim it!
    Thinking of you!


  24. Sam, do you think talking to a cousellor would help? I understand that you don’t want to take AD’s…I didn’t want to either. But I saw someone professionally for about a year and it REALLY helped. It’s just a thought.

    I’m thinking of you and praying for you.



  25. I completely feel for you….

    It was a good choice to stay away from the ADs. But remember, if you have to do it, do it.

    You know what? Can you try to go for some meditation? Is there some place around you?

    It still hurts me to know what happened to your GIFT.

    I do not know if you read the comments…Sharon had done a post on her blog about how she was down about your GIFT results, and some lady had a quote from the Bible and all, and how she was saying that God has a plan for everybody.

    I had snapped then…I quoted from Eminem then. I think IT should have happened.


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