A Day Full of Ghosts

First off thank you to each and every one of you for your unfailing love and support for us at this time.  You all rock beyond any “deservedness” I might have earned to have you all in my life.  A lot of us have never met face to face (crumbs many of us don’t even live in the same country) but the love you have poured over us is just… well amazing, so thank you.

Today we as a family went to the Pilanesburg National Park to show our Dad’s mates his place.  The park is special for so many reasons but mostly because this is where Dad loved to be.  He loved to be in the bush and whilst it was good to show his friends who so kindly brought his remains home for us, his “world”, it was incredibly hard for us as family to go past all the places where Dad had made his mark.   The bar at the Manyane Gate where he so often sat drinking brandy and coke, the dam where he shat all over a Spaniard who thought it was cool to feed wild hippo’s some of her bread, the hotels where he came often to visit his girls who worked there…

It was  a wonderful day and it was a hard day, full of ghosts.  All too often I would look over my shoulder and see him sitting somewhere or see his red bakkie driving along the dead beaten roads, him with a ciggie hanging from his mouth.  And a few times I swear I heard his distinct laugh today.

I did manage to take some cool photo’s while out in the middle of the bush…

And then when I got home I was greeted with the most beautiful flowers for Cliff and I from some very special friends, they truly were a beam of light in what was otherwise an odd mixture of a good day and a very difficult day…

Tomorrow we leave for the farm where we will be holding Dad’s African memorial… On one hand I cannot wait to have it over and done with so we can try to heal our hearts and move on with our lives after his death and on the other I wish I never had to even think about what I’m going to say at the river side as we scatter his ashes…  He was a good man, but trust me he had his faults.  Many of them.  I don’t want to “martyrise” him but I want do him justice.  I think that probably much like my wedding speech I’ll write my last words to him in the early hours of the morning of the important day as the sun kisses the sky…

It’s going to be a hard weekend chaps.  In many ways.  I hope I can get through it with dignity and applomb.

PS ->  How normal do Cliff and I look in this photograph taken today?  I love this man who was given to me so much… it’s so hard to believe our hearts are aching when you look at this photo – just goes to show how as people we can pretend that all is well when in fact underneath we are broken…


17 thoughts on “A Day Full of Ghosts

  1. There is something in both of your eyes that those of who know you both well will know shows that underneath it all, there is sadness Sam.
    (((hugs))) my friend!


  2. You are incredibly strong Sam. You have an amazing spirit and I think it shows for both you and Cliff as individuals and as a couple in that picture. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you love and strength. xxxxx


  3. My Dad also loved the bush, and I will never, ever go there again without thinking of him. I feel his presence there. My heart goes out to you. How can you put a man’s life into a speech? That’s how I felt. Words weren’t enough. But they did come to me eventually! My sister just said a poem, nothing more. I’ll see if I can find it for you.


  4. Oh Sam, I’m keeping you both in my prayers, all of this is so unfair and yet again you handle it with so much grace.

    Thinking of you and sending your family love as you say good-bye to your Dad Xxx


  5. In my thoughts Sam.
    Wishing you lots of strenght. Your benevolent and loving actions will surely be appreciated by many, even ghosts !


  6. So glad you were able to go to some places that your Dad found special. I hope you will find peace and strength in that some day. And you will find the right words when the time comes.

    Much love to you!


  7. My dear Sam, I’ll be thinking of you this weekend. You do look awesome and sometimes I think hat making an effort to look happy when you feel devastated inside is a step in the right direction. But you do need to grieve and let the sadness out. We are all here for you. Love, Fran


  8. Stunning pictures my friend. Your Dad would be so proud of you guys. What you doing is amazing.
    Thinking of you during this heartaching time.


  9. Hang in there. What a sad few days. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    And by the way, AMAZING pictures.. All I can show you from here is some bunnies and a goose or two.


  10. I don’t know what to say Sam other than sending you hugs, you have been through so much. That is a beautiful photo of you and Cliff.


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