Guess who got stuck holding the short straw?

Yep that would be me. 

Our GIFT was negative.  From a chemical pregnancy a mere two months and a bit ago to a flat zero beta – right back to where we started… Guess I was right to worry about the fact that we never got any embies from the four left over eggs after all.  My theory of a healthy pregnancy after a chemical pregnancy seems to hold true – for everyone else but me – cos guess what?  I’ve still got that short bloody straw clutched firmly in my hand…

Yesterday was a day in my life that I would much rather not have to repeat ever again.  We headed off to the clinic for our bloods and then rushed off to the airport to meet my Dad’s friends who were bringing him home to us.  The call came through and I just knew I could not answer it.  I gave the phone to Cliff and saw his shoulders slump and felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.  My heart is on the floor of the arrivals hall at OR Thambo so anyone walking through there please be as careful as you can…

Then of course it was having to deal with knowing that  my Dad’s ashes were finally home… His friends that brought him home are so nice and kept on meaning well by telling me to just relax and it would happen, but all I wanted to do was take an axe and cleave their heads open everytime they said that to me.

Going through my Dad’s stuff was hard.  A whole life lived and all we have to show for it is one measly hospital packet with some papers and his glasses in it.  Sad.

Then my sister and I ended up having a massive fight yesterday, all because I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if I was as stupid as I felt for trying over and over and over for a baby with no results.  To cut a long story short, it ended up with me walking to my Mom’s house barefoot and crying my eyes out, getting glass in my foot (bloody litterbugs in SA) and my Mom having to rush out to come and fetch me on the side of the road.  We’ve sorted it all out now but now all I feel is incredible hurt and guilt.

Guilt cos again my body has wasted a vast amount of money, money that was given to us by my in-laws.  Guilt for what I’m putting my husband through cos he married a dud.  Guilt for the hurt that my messed up body causes for those around me who for some reason (God alone knows why) love me. 

Hurt cos I feel so lost and forgotten by God.  I feel like I’m standing in this vacuum screaming and shouting for Him to hear me, to acknowledge me in some small way and He’s standing with his back to me with his earphones on full blast tuned into everyone else but me.  I wish with all my heart that if this is His way of showing me that I’m not meant to be a Mom that He would take this desire out of my heart.  That He would remove the longing in my eyes when I see or hold another person’s baby.  That He would ease the ache I feel when I hear children call someone else (it’s always someone else) Mommy.

Anger cos I’ll never be able to trust my body EVER again. (Not that I really fully did but you know what I mean) I thought I was pregnant from this treatment.  The no bleeding, the heat rises, the on/off cramps etc.  But it was all a lie.  My body colluded with the progesterone and fooled me well and good.  My body is a liar.  Always has been and always will be.

And here I stand, clutching the short straw watching the world around me continue in joy and happiness, with a sore butt and waiting for a very, very expensive period.  And from where I’m standing right now, the world is hazy and it feels like I’ll not be allowed to be part of that shiny,  rosy, happy place.

This sucks.  Huge donkey hairballs.

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53 thoughts on “Guess who got stuck holding the short straw?

  1. I have been waiting for your post….and alas, my words will bring you no comfort…so instead I will wrap my arms around you….
    Love M

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  2. I have leaking eyes too… my patients think I am a looney 😉
    I am so so sorry Sam. I have no words of comfort, please just know that my heart aches for you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers x

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  3. Sam, I feel your pain and I wish I could do something to take it away. Sorry can never do the situation and justice. I have no answers or words of comfort because I know all too well there is nothing I can say that will change things. Just know that you are loved because you are so special,strong and beautiful inside and out – 1 in a million my sweet friend! I’m here if you need ANYTHING! xxxxxxx

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  4. Words can’t describe how sorry I am to hear this. I always think in the back of my mind that GIFT is the magic one, the one that never disappoints, there goes that theory. You’ve been through hell, it’s time to give yourself a hug (from all of us) and just curl up and let your body and mind rest and recover. Angel’s wings around you.

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  5. I really am sorry….I also got a BFN on monday and i feel exactly like you… I feel I’ve wasted soooo much money on treatments and I just feel I cannot waste it anymore. My head says I must accept being childless, but my heart does not want to let go of the dream yet.

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  6. Hi Sam, I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am. I actually felt pain in my chest for you while reading your post, I can just hear how broken you feel right now and I’m just so sorry you have to go through this pain before you can meet your little one. Thinking of you x

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  7. Sam believe me, I am in tears. I am so so sorry this was another disappointment. Sure I’ve just been through the exact same and the “everyone else but me” feeling is the title of my blog for a good reason. I wonder if you would consider traditional IVF/ICSI and perhaps up your chances a bit. And of course this on top of the grief and the fighting with your sister made the day absolute hell. I’m here for you, if you think it may help you to chat a bit, I am sending you hugs and soothing vibes, it’s impossible to think now what you may do next, you have to give you some time. You have my email address, if you have Skype we can talk anytime. Much love, be strong. Fran

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  8. Sam,

    I have no words to comfort you. No offerings of even a smile soon. What I can tell you is that this life is unfair. That some of us suffer more than others, and that we just cannot make sense of all this madness. I cannot tell you to have faith, because you are human, and your faith will waiver.

    The only thing I can tell you with certainty is that tomorrow the sun will rise, that somehow the pain will fade, and we are all always here for you.

    You’re always in my thoughts. Wish I was closer, even if it’s just to hold your hand while you cry.

    Nix
    XXX

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  9. I’m so so sorry, Sam. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry this sucks. I’m sorry you’re once again holding the shit short straw when you deserve the longest one in the stack. Thinking of you still…

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  10. I w.i.s.h. that it was the one dark day of your life that never comes back again.

    Like never.

    Like the horns of a donkey.

    I am so sorry how the whole truck crashed into you head-first.

    And you are right….it sucks hairy donkey balls.

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  11. I think there will be a lot of emotional flair-ups from whatever has happened…conditioned by the communication, and how everybody inside the family will be processing it.

    It is going to be tough. Hugs.

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  12. Hi my friend

    I wish I had wise words to take away your pain but I dont. Just drop me a mail if you want to get together for coffee – in your part of the world this time. I just wish we all didnt have to go through this pain.

    Big big hug

    Sweepea

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  13. Sam, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. Both W and I are shattered for you and Cliff. I totally understand where your anger, guilt and sadness comes from.
    Thinking of you always!
    Lots of Love

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  14. I just dont understand all of this, I cant even begin to try and explain why this has happened to one of the most stunning woman on this earth. One day you WILL look back at this time and realise why it happened the way it did, we have to believe that. I am so deeply sorry. Please, please sms or call if you want to chat xxx

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  15. Dear sweet Sam, I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotions you went through yesterday. Any one of those situations is enough to take a person to their knees and you were hit with them all at once. Sending very gentle hugs and sitting right beside you in spirit while you grieve. Much love…

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  16. I’m so very sorry. I wish I could say something that might take the hurt away for a while. I can’t.

    I can say this–your husband didn’t marry a dud. He married a wonderful woman. He married you.

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  17. Sam, I am so so sorry. You articulated the space you are in and your feelings very well, I felt the old ones, I thought I had buried with my BfuckingN’s.

    I am sending you love, time and healing. I hope you feel better real soon. And I will hold hope for you now, give you a break for a bit ok?

    Love Nicola

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  18. Oh Sammy. My heart is just aching for you. I’m so sad for you and I’m so very sorry that this has happened – that you’re having such a difficult time. I’m sending you much love and strength.
    love
    xxxx

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  19. So, so sorry my friend. I know you are hurting terribly at the moment and that nothing makes sense. All I can do is hope and pray that someday it will. Someday, somehow.

    In my thoughts often.

    Mxxx

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  20. Sam! No! NO! SAM! My heart is breaking right here. I wish I were on the same continent because I’d swoop down and scoop you up and try and make it all better. SAM NO. Now I’m crying. Why can’t you catch a break? I hurt so much for you and Cliff. I’m so, so sorry.

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  21. I’m so sorry Sam. I can so relate to what you are feeling. I frequently find myself thinking exactly the same things. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but just know that I GET it and am walking this lonely path beside you.

    Take care of yourself. I’ll be thinking of you.

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  22. I so, so wish I could change something in this terrible equation, Sam. Im questioning things FOR you. Please know Im keeping you in my prayers–my thoughts–my heart. I only wish there was more I could do. Lots of love

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  23. I’m so sorry….. nothing I say will ease the pain so I’m just sending you much love and hugs as I can…. take the time you need to heal and don’t be afraid to rant, be cranky or just plain miserable….. take all the time you need
    XXXXXX

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  24. I am so very sorry. I can’t even imagine how devastated you both are and how there just doesn’t seem to be any way forward from here. You are in my prayers and I pray that your prayers will be answered sooner rather than later.

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  25. I’m so very sorry for you my friend, I can feel your pain and so many tears have been shed for you and Cliff. Like I told you yesterday, you are worth being loved, you are more special than you will ever know.

    I wish I had the answers for you, I’m angry for you because no-one should feel this pain. I’m here for you night and day sweets, whenever, whatever.

    Sending you hugs Xxx

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  26. There are no words, all I can say is that I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs!!!

    I know it sucks and that is probably why I stopped. I hated that dissappointment.

    Lots of love.

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  27. Oh Sam, so many of us have been there and know that there are no words to help you feel better.
    I don’t know how you are feeling because no one can ever know anothers pain but I am with you in spirit and hope that the massive outpouring of love you are getting will help you through this difficult time.

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  28. I have stood in a similar place to you and I know how much it hurts. 6 IVF failures nearly did me in. I know that I stand in a different place now (albeit that I had to change my direction) but I can still feel your pain and I hope that you find a way through it.

    I am also sorry you had an argument with your sister on top of all the other emotions yesterday.

    Hope your heart and feet heal soon. Hugs xx

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