It went well

Driving to the clinic last Saturday I looked out of the car window and was just thinking about what we were about to do.  Cliff has his sample in his pocket and he was ready, I was ready.  I was silently praying to God that He be with us during the procedure that that His will be done in this cycle (and praying that His will was a positive outcome of course).  A song started playing on the car radio which brought tears to my eyes.  It’s called “This is your moment” and the words really touched a cord with me and the prayer I had just prayed.

It was a quiet day at the theatre – only one other GIFT patient and one ER patient.  Our doctor is just amazing.  It was not his weekend to work in the theatre but he made sure to come past on Saturday morning to ensure that I was good and to check my bloods one last time to make the final decision as to how many eggs to put back.  Then I waited for the other GIFT patient to get done and dusted and it was my turn to be wheeled into the theatre.  The doctor who did my procedure was also just as wonderful as my treating doctor is.  He held my hand and stroked my arm and when I said that from one lefty to another I knew I was in good hands he told me that we would work some lefty magic that day.  And out I went.

My body worked to it’s usual trend.  We got a total of 9 eggs this time.  From my excellent stim this time round I was expecting a few more but had told myself to be happy with 9 – by body has been producing one less egg per fresh treatment we’ve done and I knew that I should work towards this trend.  So 9 eggs it was.  We put the best 5 eggs and fresh good sperm back into my left fallopian tube.  After the procedure Lawrence came to chat to me and said it had all gone very well.  The eggs looked good as did the sperm.  He wished us all the best and made sure that we knew that the 4 left over that would be IVF’ed were not the priority in this treatment.  The priority were the 5 eggs that were put back where they belonged and where it was most natural for them to be.

I battled with a lot of shoulder and chest pain from the gas over the weekend and really only just got rid of the last vestiges of the gas today.

I had my second intralipid drip on Monday and again I sat next to a girl who was having her third drip because she had just found out she was pregnant.  On Monday I checked up on our 4 left over eggs and found out that of the 4 only 3 had fertilized on Sunday but by Monday none of them had made it.  Now I would not be human if I did not admit that the fact that none of our embies made it has made me a little nervous.  What if none of the eggs inside me fertilized and made it either?  I know I should not be thinking this way and it’s best for the eggs to be inside my body as opposed to to an unnatural environment like a laboratory but what if?  I’m hoping that my Mom was right when she said that we would not need those 3 little embies cos this GIFT was going to work.

I know that techinically I should not be feeling anything right now cos realistically if this was IVF my embies would only be transferred tomorrow and implantation would only be taking place on Friday or Saturday if it is going to take place.

I think the hardest part of having a GIFT is the uncertainty of it all.  You have NO idea if your eggs fertilized.  You have NO idea if they did fertilize if your embryo’s are still growing and flourishing.  You’re knocked out when the action happens and all you seem to have to show for it is gas related pain and a grotesque belly button – well at least my belly button looks grotesque after 4 lap cuts into it… *sigh*

And the worst part about having a GIFT as opposed to IVF is that the wait to test day is not a 2ww – it’s an 18 day wait!  Pure unadulterated torture! I’m doing my best to stay positive and to believe that this one could be THE one, but I’m battling.  I’m doing my best to believe that God knows what He’s doing, but I’m battling.  I honestly don’t think I have the strength left in me to do this again if this is not the one that gives us a positive beta and healthy pregnancy.

But only time will tell.  In the mean time I guess I’ll try to keep myself busy and just get myself through one day at a time and see how it goes when we test.  I’m still hoping despite my battles against the negativity in my head that I’ll have good news to share with my Dad when we send him off on the 06th March.  Please God let this be the one, I’m begging you.

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26 thoughts on “It went well

  1. Well, I’m sure they put the five BEST ones back, and I am choosing to see the fact that the others didn’t make it as a sign that they chose well! Hoping against hope that this works for you, my friend.

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  2. Sitting right beside you and praying this is the one, Sam. This journey is so emotional and full of highs and lows so feel whatever it is you need to feel. If our attitudes worked our reproductive systems we would all have a couple kids by now sans the treatments.

    You are doing great! Hang in there…

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  3. Sam, They put the 5 best back….had you ivf’d them all and been told 5 of the 9 had fertilized you’d be hopeful (I would anyway.) Keep believing! Super M’s left over embies looked crap too and look how many took in the end! Dr G would not have lied if your eggs and sperm were not looking good. TRUST ME! He tells it like it is. Big hugs my friend! xxx

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  4. Oh Sam, your journey to having a child has been so long and hard and I wish that it was easier for you and DH. Thinking of you during your very long 2WW and of course hoping for a positive outcome.

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  5. Hoping and praying with you Sam. I really hope this is the one, and don’t worry too much about being negative, we’re all here for you and you have lots of friends that will carry your burden. So just sit back and just be, whatever you are and feel.

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  6. Keeping you in my prayers dear heart. I so get the headspace that you are in right now but it’s okay to be there because it’s already been decided and being positive or negative really doesn’t affect the outcome 😉

    This is gonna be it chicken, it just has to be!!

    Big hugs Xxx

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  7. Oh hun, an 18 day wait!? I’m so sorry hun. Try to stay busy and pamper yourself. GIFT has a very high success rate, I am so excited for you guys. I have my fingers and toes crossed!

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  8. Sweetie I’m sorry I had missed this post of yours, I wish you loads of sticky vibes for your little ones to make it, I know it’s upsetting when the retrieval doesn’t go as planned (but nine eggs was great!!) and I’m sure they picked the best 5 to back in, so don’t focus too much on those that didn’t become proper embryos, yours may be a totally different story! Much love, Fran

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  9. I wish there were appropriate words I could say that would help you feel at ease or be able to not worry until the test day, but there aren’t. We will be thinking of you and hoping along with you that this is “the one.” Big hugs.

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  10. Sam,

    I am thinking of you, and the best news of all, your wait is nearly half over. Just a week and a bit more to go. I have heard and seen such amazing things with GIFT’s, so I am believing this is going to be your time. Absolutely.

    Do anything and everything you can to distract yourself, and plan the biggest pamper for yourself on the 4th. Positive or negative, you need something beyond this cycle to look forward to – a night away, a morning in a spa, etc. That is what i used to do. Doesn’t take away your reality, but provided a welcome distraction!

    Lots of love, Nicola

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  11. Hey Budg! I hear u on the super long wait, I also waited 18 days for my FET test, it was awful! Sorry to hear about those 4 eggies but I still believe that the best ones went back & will result in a BFP!

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