One of *Those* Women

We’re expecting to start with our GIFT this week.

I’m excited at the possibility that this treatment offers us.  What if it’s the one that works?  I’m scared of the heartbreak this treatment can also offer us.  What if it’s not the one?  I just cannot bear to think of having a negative outcome for the fifth time.

I remember when we first started trying to have a baby, well more when we first started seeking treatment cos it was obvious that nothing was happening “naturally”, I remember sitting in the waiting room at a fertility clinic talking to some of the girls who were brave enough to do so and hearing some of their stories.  I remember hearing stories of great hope “my first IUI worked and I’m now here for my second child”, “I got pregnant first time with a timed cycle”, “I’m now pregnant after only a few cycles”.

But I also heard a lot of stories that struck complete and utter fear in my heart.  “I’ve been told I’ll never have my own child, my eggs are vrot”, “I’m busy with my third/fourth/fifth/sixth/seventh/eighth/ninth IVF”, “I’ve been trying for number one for 10 years with no success”, “I’ve had several miscarriages and no one can tell me why”.

Stories of hope and stories of fear and hurt and pain, I’ve heard many of both in the last six years.  But I remember my young nieve self sitting there in those early days and it shames me to admit that I used to go home and pray to God that I would not end up being one of *those* women.  The ones who had to endure years and years of this nonsense, the ones who had to do IVF after IVF after IVF.

And now six years later I’m facing big ART treatment number five.  After having gone through many a headstand after sex, many a timed cycle, many an AI and many an IUI, Chinese remedies, acupuncture, reflexology, light therapies, reiki and so on and so forth.  The list of what we’ve tried in order to have ttc succes is endless.

I AM one of *those* women.

At times I don’t know how that makes me feel.  To know that I’ve become the very thing I prayed to God I would not be.

The fear of being one of *those* women does not stay within the walls of one’s clinic though.  The fear clings to you as you walk out and real life friends feel the fear as well.  They look at you with pity in their eyes and avoid talking about their own children and pregnancies for fear that by being around you; they might also become one of *those* women.  They think it’s better to hide a pregnancy from you, they think it’s easier for you to handle if they only tell you about their pregnancies when they are 5 – 6 months into them and they cannot hide them any longer.  They tell you that they just could not bear to break your heart cos they have what you desire.  They pity you and actually say things like “I think of how we could have been like you and it scares me to death”.  It’s those actions and words that break your heart, not the fact that they have life blossoming in their bellies.  (Yes it still stings to hear a pregnancy announcement but for the record, having been on this road for six years means that I’m not going to go all banshi on your ass.  Suprisingly enough I can control my emotions, mostly cos they’ve been dulled and severed, but they are controlled.)

In many ways the last six years have taught me more than I could ever have imagined.  They have taught me empathy, strength, compassion, patience (admittedly not very well).  They’ve taught me about a community that embraces those who belong to it tightly in good times and even tighter in tough times.  They’ve taught me that I am loved in more ways than I ever knew.  They’ve taught me that whilst things have often been tough for us and infertility has been the cause of many a fight about sex and money, that I’ve been given the best partner I could ever hope for to go through this with.

I see the way the other girls at the clinic look at me now.  The newbies who’ve come to recognise my face cos I always seem to be around every few months.  They avoid me cos I am now what they fear.  I am the proof that their dreams may not quite work out the way they think they may.

I know that without a shadow of a doubt that I am well and truly one of *those* women. And today I am proud of being this woman.

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23 thoughts on “One of *Those* Women

  1. I’m one of *those* women with you Budg! There’s no shame in it, I’m damn proud of being on of *those* women.
    Really praying that this GIFT will be the end of you long line of bad luck and the start of a new journey for you!
    (((hugs)))

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  2. I am also praying for you!!! I am only a partial one of *those* because although I had plenty of failed cycles–natural, clomid, IUIs–IVF #1 did work (thank G-d). And I am hoping so much that your GIFT is a live baby.

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  3. I’m also 1 of “those” woman Sam and damn proud of it too. Thankfully our last zift worked but not before countless others had not. Praying this GIFT will bring you a gift of a gorgeous pregmancy and baby to complete your family.

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  4. I’ll be hoping & praying this is it for you my friend. One day we will be one of ‘those’ women who made it to the other side and overcame all our obstacles! xxx

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  5. Excellent post! All the best for your GIFT. I’m praying for a miracle for you! I’m also one of those women, going for a FET this month.

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  6. Oh Sam, I cried when I read this, you have written out my thoughts. I may not have been ttc as long as you have but I do feel that I have become one of “those” women. I am due to start IVF#2 (or #1, whichever way you look at it!) this week. All I can say is, VL here we come!

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  7. My friend – I totally get this. I think I’ve told you this before – when I read So Close (years ago) it really scared the bejesus out of me because I never wanted to be like that, I was so scared to become one of “those women” – the ones that people all feel sorry for, the ones that people talk about.

    Years later I realise that that is exactly what I am now and it’s still scary. But I can’t dwell on that because this journey has been so much harder than I could ever imagine but there is some good that has come out of it, one of those blessings is my friendship with another one of “those women” – which is you!! 😉

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  8. My hope for you is a huge success with this treatment Sam, one of “those” woman or not, I think you are very very brave!
    And I LOVE the new do btw!!

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  9. I am also one of “those”, ja its crap but Ive come to I have to realise that I have to go thru “this” to get to “that”
    Good luck friend, Ill be here all the way.
    xxx

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  10. I’m still one of the ones that’s too scared to start the treatment in case it doesn’t work… but I salute the women that have the courage to keep trying. It takes incredible strength. And I have a lot of faith in GIFT, for no particular reason other than it’s worked for so many people I spoke to who had many failed IVF’s before it. I’m holding thumbs, fingers and toes for you!

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  11. Sam. I’ve been bad and not been around. Number one, my heart is with you on the loss of your Dad. I am so sorry my friend. Two your haircut is amazing, super cute! Three, I am so one of those ladies, hoping to change that in a few here as you know. But you know what, I will ALWAYS be one of “those” women even when my and if my baby(ies) come and I am damn proud of that too!!!

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  12. Great post, Sam. I’ve often thought the same thing. I remember reading the TTC 2+ years and TTC 3+ years boards and thinking “How do they do that?” “I could never continue on like that!” “I hope I am never one of ‘them’.” 4.5 years and 4 failed ARTs with no more on the horizon… I am one of those women now too.

    You have the strength of a lion and I’m cheering you on all the way.

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  13. I take my hat off to you…being one of “those” women shows that you have strength, determination and guts…
    Good luck….many smiles

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  14. I just wrote a post today about being proud of going through ART. And I can only hope this works for you this time so you can become one of those other women too – the ones who can declare victory after such a long battle.

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  15. I’m one of *those* women too. And of course I wish and pray that this cycle will end your tenure as an IVF broad, I do think you should be proud of all you’ve weathered. You’ve done very well with some very heavy stuff. Love you, dear friend!

    (This is Flicka…sorry, I’m signed in as my real self and too lazy to sign out.)

    xoxoxo

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  16. Hi, I just came across your journal & I think you are so brave to keep pushing with this.

    My Husband & I have just started the fertility treatment cycle & I am so scared of everything to come, &, like you were, I am scared of becoming one of ‘those’ women.

    I really hope we all get there. x

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