What about the GIFT?

A few people have asked me what we plan to do about our upcoming GIFT in light of the recent events in my life.  

Now I’d like to ask that those of you who don’t agree with our decision, not try to convince us otherwise.  The decision of what to do is mine and Cliff’s and we’ve made the decision and we’re sticking to it come what may.  No amount of trying to convince us the other way will change our minds and all that will happen is that I’ll get upset, so please I know it will be coming from your hearts but rather bite your tongue if you feel the need to try make me change my mind.

Consensus seems to be that we should delay treatment. 

That I’m too fragile, that I’m too entrenched in my grief over my Dad’s passing, it will be too stressful doing treatment and living through the local memorial service… those are a few of the many reasons we’ve been given by others to delay.  Which honestly are all reasons that I’ve thought about long and hard.

But if I’m honest the next treatment will be stressful no matter when I do it.  I’ll still be in some stage of grief over my Dad’s passing.  My heart will still be tender and will be for years to come I think.  There are people in the world that go through treatment and deal with way worse additional stress than I’ll be under who still fall pregnant so it’s not like the added stress will have any impact on the final outcome – which is in fact already decided.  It’s either going to work or it’s not – no amount of utopia surrounding me will change that.

Cliff asked me if (it sounds nasty but was not meant this way at all) if I was emotionally stable enough to go ahead as planned.  And having thought about it I really feel like I am.  Whilst I am still sad over the loss of Dad, I am emotionally stable enough to work every day, emotionally stable enough to drive everyday so realistically I should be emotionally stable enough to stick needles into myself daily and have a date with a dildo cam every 2 days (even under normal circumstances most people would consider the process a tad weird and ironically would think me emotionally unstable to go through with it).

The thing is this. 

My Dad is gone.  His life has been lived.  And delaying my treatment will not change this ONE IOTA.  His soul will still be gone from us, and all that I’ll feel is that I lost out on the chance of my theory being proved.  I’ll feel like I’ve failed yet again in a very different way.

And I know that my Dad, who loved me so much, would not want me to delay this treatment cos of him.  I can just hear him now.  “What on earth are you thinking Dungfunnel?  You need to move forward.”  He was big on moving forward.

And so, that is what we’ve decided to do.  We will be moving forward with our February GIFT.  In an odd way, I’m hoping that my Dad has spoken with the boss man upstairs and that he’s already met the child or children we’re going to have. 

So GIFT in February it is.  I think it’s gonna be a wild one – hang on if you join me for the ride.

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35 thoughts on “What about the GIFT?

  1. Congratulations on being able to make the decision, and best of luck with your next (and hopefully last!) cycle. Lots of prayers are being sent your way.

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  2. Whatever you decide, we’re here for you!
    And I agree, the outcome is already decided, its just a matter of getting to the end point so you can find out what its going to be.
    It is what is!
    All the best Budg!

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  3. I’m totally behind you my friend. Life is for those that are still living and grief will not be gone in a day. Finding something that gives you hope and keeps you focussed, is just the perfect thing right now. Go girl. Fran

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  4. My FS is emphatic that stress has NO IMPACT on fertility whatsoever (other than life threatening situations).

    Also – shortly after my Dad died I felt like I had so much calm clarity and perspective on my life. Many people have told me that the decisions you make during that period are usually good ones.

    Listen to that inner voice, it is seldom wrong.

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  5. I’m so excited for you guys. I think the great thing is that you are making the decision that is right for you and that you are at peace with. Wishing you so much luck.

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  6. Only you know what is best for you and I like your logic. I would presume that the best way to fill the void of loss is with the hope of life. My prayers will continue for you and I send you all my love and support.

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  7. You sound so at peace and sure of your decision that it must be the right one for you. We’ll be here all the way for the wild ride. Here’s hoping your Dad puts in a good word and send you your baby to love.

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  8. Count me in, as a passenger on this wild ride!

    You’re absolutely right, it’s a decision that should only be made between you and Cliff. And as someone who lost her mom 6 years ago, you’re right the grief will continue either way, the sting fades, but the sadness does not.

    I’m behind you 100%.

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  9. I’m behind you 100%. I think you’re right, the outcome is already decided regardless of anything that has happened or does happen.

    I’m praying for a wonderful positive outcome!!!

    I like the idea of your Dad and your child meeting…of your Dad sending your baby on it’s way to you. That puts a smile on my face. 🙂

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  10. Let nobody tell you what to do. This is for you and your hubby to decide and only you will know when you feel ready. I say go for it if that is what you feel is right for you!

    Here for you always!!!

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  11. My love – whatever your decision was would have been the right one for you and DH. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
    Good luck with the cycle in Feb. I will be thinking of you and keeping my eyes open for those updates!
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  12. Whatever is good for you is good for me. It’s your life and nobody has the right to tell you what to do. Support is the only thing you need, not judgement, and support is what you will get my friend. x

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  13. Dungfunnel…..ha,ha. Do what your gut tells you Sam. We can only do our best and then roll with it. Will be sending my prayers up to the big man for you too! xxxx

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  14. I also just caught up with your blog now, and I’m so sorry about your dad. It sounds like you have a lot of peace with your decision to go forward with this GIFT and imho that’s all that matters. Wishing you all the very best.

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  15. Only you can make that decision for yourself and it sounds like your thinking is clear. I’m rooting for you this cycle and hugging you from here as you continue to grieve for your dad.

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  16. Hi Sam, just caught up with your blog today…and my tears are flowing. Your Dad would be so proud of the woman you are today. Your strenth, through a difficult time, is beaming through. Life happens for mysterious reasons, not always joyful. Maybe your Dad needed to have a word with the “Boss Man” so that your dream could be fulfilled.
    Sending you all my love, light and divine blessings

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  17. You know my feelings about it all and I’m with you every scary step of the way. I’m so excited for you guys, this is going to be your year my sweet sweet friend.

    I’ll be right behind you and hopefully we can watch our bellies grow together, let this be the GIFT that gives the gift of life 😉

    Love you Xxx

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  18. So very sorry about your dad, Sam. You certainly sound self aware enough at the moment to know exactly what you need to do.
    Praying that this is the one.
    x

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