Rest in Peace Dad

My Dad passed away on the 20th January 2010 at approximately 06h30.

It’s been four days since he passed and I still cannot really believe it.  It feels so unreal to me.  As much as we knew he was ill, his death (can’t quite come to terms with using that word in conjunction with him yet) passing has shocked us as a family to the core.  I think the emotion that we all feel most is one of guilt.  Guilt for not having been with him when he passed, guilt for not having made him come home to SA when we knew he was sick, guilt for words not said, guilt for not having been a better daughter to him and so on and so forth.  I hate that he passed away with nobody but his wonderful nurse Callie with him.  I hate that but take comfort that God was there with him.

On the other hand I’m grateful to know that he is no longer in pain.  Dad was admitted to hospital on the 18th December last year after he had got a really bad infection due to the treatment he was on for his leaukemia.  He was severely ill but his doctors felt that they had this infection under control and that we were not needed in Wales at that time.  On top of the really bad infection he had, he was in incredible pain due to his bones in his spine that were crumbling, so was doped on morphine and was pretty much out of it most of the time.

Mom, my sister and I talked about his situation a lot and we had decided on the Sunday before his passing that my sister and I would go to Wales and see him.  That he needed to know that we loved him enough to come and see him.  We never got that chance.

Early on Wednesday morning my Mom got a call from the hospital in Wales to say that Dad had taken a turn for the worst but that doctors were with him and they were working hard to get him stablised.  When my sister called at 04h00 to check his status we were advised that he was stable and in the ICU where they were keeping a close eye on him.  And at 06h30 he took his last breath.

He was such a strong person.  He was a hero, a Selous Scout and hard working Army man.  He worked in Iraq and was spared miraculously there more than once (that’s a story for another day).  He worked with Game Rangers here and here and taught them everything he knew about tracking and surviving in the bush.  He ran the anti poaching units for the North West Parks Board.  He loved the bush.  It was his life.  He loved us girls so much, so much that he decided to go back to Europe and die there so we would be spared the pain of seeing him sick and weak.  My niece was the absolute apple of his eye.  My heart breaks that he’ll never get to see my children born.

His wish was to have his ashes scattered over a river as the Fish Eagle cries, and we will carry these wishes out.

Hamba Gahle Babba.

I love you and miss you every day.

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51 thoughts on “Rest in Peace Dad

  1. Thinking of you all Sam. I can only imagine how very sad you are, especially given the circumstances and your plans to go to him. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance.
    Here if I can do anything at all!
    (((hugs)))

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  2. My heart and thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. Unfortunately, I know what it’s like to lose a father and although it gets easier with every passing day, there are days when it still *really* hurts. *hugs*

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Having family so far away is never easy in times like this. I understand that completely having no immediate family within 2000 miles of me.
    Thinking of you.

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  4. Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you and your family. Your father was an amazing man, I’m so glad that you have such wonderful memories of him. ((hugs))

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  5. I am so sorry Sam to hear you sad news. My thoughts and wishes are with you and your family as you come to terms with your loss. I hope you find peace and can carry your treasured memories with no guilt only love and happiness.

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  6. Wishing you strength and a peaceful heart as you come to terms with your Dad’s passing. None of us are ever fully prepared to confront the loss of a parent. Thinking of you in this difficult time. (((Hugs))) Mxxx

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  7. I’m so heart sore for you Sam. I have no words of comfort but please know that I am here if you ever need anything at all. Sending big hugs filled with special love. xxxxx

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  8. Oh babygirl – my sincerest condolences go out to you and your family. I’m so very sorry that you have this sadness. Sending huge hugs xxx

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  9. I wish there were words to make any part of this easier or that I could go through some of it for you. My dad has been gone for over 10 years now and there are still days that the tears just freely flow. All I can say is to be gentle with yourself…feel whatever you need to feel, process the hard stuff as you can, and always “end” your thoughts about him with a memory that makes your heart smile. He is with you always now…

    Much love sweet friend.

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  10. Hi Sam, I came over from LFCA to say how sorry I am about your dad. It’s so hard to be far away isn’t it? A similar thing happened with my dad two years ago – he was I’ll but not dying and suddenly took a turn and before I could get my passport renewed he had died a few days later. I wish I had been to see him before and this whole TTC thing got in the way and took over my life and timing etc. I hope you can eventually find some kind of acceptance but it’s so early and you are still in shock and disbelief which is understandable. Are you going over now or will he come home now?
    I’m in USA and my folks are in England – I lived in Wales for 8 yrs.
    Your dad sounds like a great guy – savor those memories and share them with your family. Take care:) (((hugs!!!)))

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  11. I am deeply sorry for your loss. May you find peace in knowing that he is not in pain anymore and that he is watching over you. You & your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. Oh sam, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. ~hug~

    Guilt is a hard thing to live with but you shouldn’t feel guilty. From what you said, it sounds like you loved him so much. And he knew that. I’m just sure he did.

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  13. I’m crying as I read this, I lost my daddy too (18 months ago), and it’s such a raw pain still.

    He’s in a better place, and his spirit is still with you. His spirit is also with your unborn children, he’s getting to know them in a really beautiful place.

    Anytime you want to chat let me know.

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  14. Pingback: What about the GIFT? « Communiqué

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