Holy crapballs, I’ve had a stressful week.
Work has been so over the top and I’ve been crazy busy and super stressed out. I’m not going to pull a Dooce and discuss work on my blog and get fired but suffice it say – Holy Crapballs! We’ve had our internet cut at work due to some hectic viruses that caused a few hard drives to crash (and cos of this we have not been paid yet – yikes!) so my updates are probably going to be sporadic for the next while.
My heart has taken a bit of a beating. Bad, good, overwhelming, guilt, stress, sadness, happiness and more have been buffering my heart from all angles. Between the stress of work this week, news that my Dad has got a very rare form of leukemia (not got a lot of details but things are not looking good for him at all, but that’s for another post), my amazing friend getting her miracle baby, my other friend progressing well with a pregnancy that could very well have co-incided with my own should it have been viable, me feeling like a complete failure, being told that a friend’s boyfriend (who admittedly has got many things like this right) believes my next treatment will work 16 weeks after my failed treatment and I’ll end up having a son, being told that another friend dreamed my GIFT worked and I was pregnant with boy/girl twins, my other friend getting a fricking negative, my in-laws being stressed about us and offering to help pay for our GIFT next year and me feeling guilty about accepting their money, admittedly I’m a bit of a mess.
I’m on the brink of tears all the time and while I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to stay grounded in my faith, truth is I’m floundering. All I can hope is that next week is way less stressful and that my heart can start to get back to some semblance of normal. Because I hate feeling like this, I hate being this person, it is so unlike me and somehow, someway I need to find me in all of this.