The Internal Debate

The last week has really had it’s fair share of ups and downs, thankfully more ups than downs but when the downs have hit, man they’ve hit hard.

During the down times I’ve been doing the whole “why me” thing.  Why did we have to fall on the wrong side of the statistics AGAIN?  Why couldn’t my embies just have held on and gone all the way?  Why do we have to face our 5th big ART treatment in 3 years?  Why does it seem like God is answering everyone else’s prayers and is sidelining mine?  Pity party deluxe.  Makes me want to vomit.  And slap myself silly.

The thing is this.  I am extremely sad that our pregancy was a chemical one.  But I’m also excited that we managed that much.  Cos it’s a hell of a lot more than we’ve ever managed before.  And it DOES bode well for the future.  If it can happen once to have implantation take place it can sure as heck happen again and also may very well go all the way.

I was thinking about how good I’d felt through this last cycle.  About how everything felt like it was falling into place.  If I’m really honest, I knew for those few days that I was “pregnant” that I was “pregnant”.  I really felt the hand of God on me during the whole process.  And I’m understandably a bit confused as to how this could have turned out like this.  How He could have let me feel a little bit of the miracle only for it to not be completely fulfilled.

I thought back to what I had said in the beginning of the cycle.  “Let His will be done”.  I think I did a good job of standing on that statement throughout the treatment.  But now?  Now I’m wobbling on that statement, cos dudes, this “will” sucks.

I do still believe that our miracle is coming.  I just wish I could know the time frame I was looking at.  I know He loves me and I know He feels my pain.  I just really hope that next time round, He say’s Yes to the miracle that we’ve all been asking for.


15 thoughts on “The Internal Debate

  1. I totally hear what you are saying. Every morning I’ve been doing my “yoga” prayer, and in it, I surrender to God’s will for me. And it scares the living daylights out of me, because what if his will for me is that I don’t have children? What if his plan is a little different to mine? It’s too difficult for us to understand why that could be. Like you say, why would God let you feel his hand in your pregnancy, only for it to end? There may come a time when you understand it, why there is no way that you should have been pregnant right now. It’s the hardest thing in the world, but you have to just trust.


  2. Don’t beat yourself up about the lows. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same way, if not worse, and sometimes you’re entitled to a (brief, cathartic) pity party. We’re all here if you need to vent. Hoping this next one is IT!


  3. I can relate too. I do believe that God has a plan for me but I do worry that my plan is not the same as His. What if His plan is for me to not have my own babies? Or if He wants me to wait another 6 years! It’s really scary. I’ve have many people pray for me over the years and still no answer to my prayer. I wish I knew His will for me, this coming from an impatient person!


  4. Your positive attitude shines through in this post, the fact that you can see the positive of a chemical pregnancy speaks volumes about you as a person and I only wish I was as strong as you are now during our struggle.

    I’m keeping everything crossed that you get your miracle.



  5. I totally understand where you are coming from. Your faith is amazing, something I should learn from. I too believe that your miracle is still on its way, I believe that for all of us but when is the eternal question I wish I could get an answer for.


  6. It’s good to have something positive to hang on to in times of sadness. And wouldn’t it be nice to be able to glimpse into the future?? I often say to DH that I just WISH I could have a quick little blip of a vision of my future to see if there are kids in it..


  7. I totally get what you are saying and I wish I had some answers for you…answers for all of us still waiting our turn. Sending big hugs filled with special love and support my


  8. Wish I knew what to say that would make it all better. All I can venture is that for some reason out of our understanding this was just not the time. I really wish it had be though. Thinking of you as you try to figure this all out.


  9. Throughout all of this I keep reminding myself of a C.S. Lewis quote: “”We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” I’m still wondering because my chemical was the most painful thing in my life to date. I keep trying to look at it in a positive way, like you have, but it’s a struggle.

    Take care.


  10. I am here via ICWL December. Thanks for sharing your story. I had a few losses myself, but also healthy pregnancies. I truly relate – I hate to get my hopes up & then have them fall. I’d rather have never hoped – I guess, but that is a depressing thing to say & feel. Can’t help it, though…it makes me a bit ashamed of myself, like I should be braver. Many people go through much worse than me…here’s hoping you feel close to God’s love and hear him answering you – soon!!


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