The last week has really had it’s fair share of ups and downs, thankfully more ups than downs but when the downs have hit, man they’ve hit hard.
During the down times I’ve been doing the whole “why me” thing. Why did we have to fall on the wrong side of the statistics AGAIN? Why couldn’t my embies just have held on and gone all the way? Why do we have to face our 5th big ART treatment in 3 years? Why does it seem like God is answering everyone else’s prayers and is sidelining mine? Pity party deluxe. Makes me want to vomit. And slap myself silly.
The thing is this. I am extremely sad that our pregancy was a chemical one. But I’m also excited that we managed that much. Cos it’s a hell of a lot more than we’ve ever managed before. And it DOES bode well for the future. If it can happen once to have implantation take place it can sure as heck happen again and also may very well go all the way.
I was thinking about how good I’d felt through this last cycle. About how everything felt like it was falling into place. If I’m really honest, I knew for those few days that I was “pregnant” that I was “pregnant”. I really felt the hand of God on me during the whole process. And I’m understandably a bit confused as to how this could have turned out like this. How He could have let me feel a little bit of the miracle only for it to not be completely fulfilled.
I thought back to what I had said in the beginning of the cycle. “Let His will be done”. I think I did a good job of standing on that statement throughout the treatment. But now? Now I’m wobbling on that statement, cos dudes, this “will” sucks.
I do still believe that our miracle is coming. I just wish I could know the time frame I was looking at. I know He loves me and I know He feels my pain. I just really hope that next time round, He say’s Yes to the miracle that we’ve all been asking for.