How we roll…

The emotions are rolling. 

From sadness, to anger, to dispair, to hope, to holycraphowcouldthishavehappenedtousagain, to sadness, to hope and so we roll on and on and on.

Sometimes this really just feels like someone is playing an incredibly cruel joke on us.  It feels like the results were not chemical but actually good.

I suppose I should have known.  I believed with all my heart that I was pregnant and that IVF # 3 (or 4 if you count FET’s which I don’t) was going to be THE one.  And to a small degree I was right.  I was just not right enough. 

I had an extremely weird dream on Friday morning.  I dreamt we were going in for our beta.  We walked into a busy gym and Stephan met us at the door and told me to hop onto the treadmill get my my veins ready for the beta.  I ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes and then hopped onto the dildo cam bed and I saw in his face it was over…. I woke up and then you all know how the rest of the day panned out… Surreal.  Clearly my subconscious was telling me this was not the one.

We’re meeting the FS later today to discuss our options.  We’re going to discuss a lot with him – most of all GIFT.

Looking at the silver lining in all of this – at least we got one step closer this time.  At least not all hope is lost.  At least we still have each other.  At least we are alive to stand another day. 

Many prayers that I’ve said for others have been answered.  One HUGE one just today.  And one day, one day our prayers for ourselves (and those of you who pray for us too – thank you so much) will be answered too.


18 thoughts on “How we roll…

  1. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I know it’s hard, and at times like these it just gets harder. I really hope your FS has a good POA for you that will work next time. I’m praying for you…


  2. I like the optimism with which you ended the post. It really is very sad. Considering my own experience in the dreams department, I think dreams do carry messages…even if we may not be able to decipher them at first.

    Good Luck!


  3. Our prayers are always with you Sam. Still hoping and praying and believing that your miracle is on its way.
    I always prayed for all of us and until today I thought my prayers were going unheard! Now I know God is listening! He is making miracles for us all!


  4. I am choosing to think positively on your behalf and say that HEY SOMETHING IMPLANTED BRIEFLY and that is PROGRESS and surely the next one will be IT. Because really, it kind of fucking HAS to be. Enough, universe. Stop picking on Sam!


  5. You know that my heart is so sore for both of you.

    I pray for strength for you, you will come thru this my friend. I pray that soon you will have the news that you’re waiting for.

    This too shall pass sweets.

    Hugs xxx


  6. I’m so heart sore for you and Cliff Sam. I know the heart break you must be feeling and I wish there was a way to take it away for you. ((HUGS)) xxx


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