Chemical

I started the day with a good cuddle from my wonderful husband. 

It went downhill from there.

We decided that I would poas just to prepare ourselves for what the blood test would bring (we were sure we were going to see two lines).  We did two tests.  Both were negative.  We were gobsmacked.  We were NOT expecting that, not with the “symptoms” I’d been experiencing the last two weeks.  Maybe there was still hope.  Maybe  I would end up being one of those freaky women who just never get positive home pregnancy results.  We cried.  And prepared our hearts for a negative beta.

We drove to the clinic, had my blood drawn and took my barcode up to the co-ordinators.  I told them I thought it was negative and they asked why.  I told them about those darn pee sticks.  We left.  We got a call from my FS at 08h13.  And what he said literally knocked the wind out my sails.  I was expecting my usual flat beta of zero.

My beta is 14.9.  Fucking 14.9.  A chemical completely non viable pregnancy.  We’re so pissed off.  We’re so hurt.  We’re so fucking confused.  As my wonderful FS said it’s cold comfort to know that for once my body managed to start implantation.  And then it just stopped.  This hurts, A LOT.

We are naturally gutted. 

But on the one hand we are grateful to have got through a 2ww with no bleeding.  I am grateful to know that my body is not as fucked up as I thought it was when I looked at those one lined HPT’s this morning.  My instinct that something was happening inside my womb was not wrong.  My bodies signs to me were not wrong.  They were just not strong enough.  Not viable enough.

And while my head knows it’s a good thing that we finally had a chemical reaction between our embryo and my endometrial lining my heart is bleeding.  My heart longs for what this should have been.  And my heart cries for the injustice of this situation.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers for us during this time.  It really means so much.