Chemical

I started the day with a good cuddle from my wonderful husband. 

It went downhill from there.

We decided that I would poas just to prepare ourselves for what the blood test would bring (we were sure we were going to see two lines).  We did two tests.  Both were negative.  We were gobsmacked.  We were NOT expecting that, not with the “symptoms” I’d been experiencing the last two weeks.  Maybe there was still hope.  Maybe  I would end up being one of those freaky women who just never get positive home pregnancy results.  We cried.  And prepared our hearts for a negative beta.

We drove to the clinic, had my blood drawn and took my barcode up to the co-ordinators.  I told them I thought it was negative and they asked why.  I told them about those darn pee sticks.  We left.  We got a call from my FS at 08h13.  And what he said literally knocked the wind out my sails.  I was expecting my usual flat beta of zero.

My beta is 14.9.  Fucking 14.9.  A chemical completely non viable pregnancy.  We’re so pissed off.  We’re so hurt.  We’re so fucking confused.  As my wonderful FS said it’s cold comfort to know that for once my body managed to start implantation.  And then it just stopped.  This hurts, A LOT.

We are naturally gutted. 

But on the one hand we are grateful to have got through a 2ww with no bleeding.  I am grateful to know that my body is not as fucked up as I thought it was when I looked at those one lined HPT’s this morning.  My instinct that something was happening inside my womb was not wrong.  My bodies signs to me were not wrong.  They were just not strong enough.  Not viable enough.

And while my head knows it’s a good thing that we finally had a chemical reaction between our embryo and my endometrial lining my heart is bleeding.  My heart longs for what this should have been.  And my heart cries for the injustice of this situation.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers for us during this time.  It really means so much.

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76 thoughts on “Chemical

  1. I am so sorry Sam. I’m in tears right now. How incredibly unfair. I don’t have any “pick me ups” right now but know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you the strength to move forward.

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  2. Sam – I don’t know what to say to you to ease your hurt and your anger. Please just know that I am thinking of you. I’m so very sorry that this has happened. Sending you much love ‘n hugs xxxxx

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  3. Ugh…it is too tough and brave to be looking for the silver lining here immediately after receiving the shock!

    Hugs my friend, I am sad that life has again ended you the short end of the deal. So sorry.

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  4. Shit, honey.

    I’m so sorry.

    I know you’re probably noit thinking of it now, but do you have frosties? Frosties are dear to my heart as the less-likely successes.

    email me if you need a shoulder.

    g

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  5. My friend as I have just told you on the phone, I was a mess this morning whating to hear from you & I did not expect it & I am ANGRY that you are hurting. I really am so sorry my friend. Hopefully I can see you later & I can attempt to comfort & tiny bit of your soul. XXX

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  6. I cannot believe this Sam…I am so so so sorry you can’t imagine. It’s of little consolation to know that something has happened, it’s not there now and that’s all you can think about. I had a chemical too and didn’t even go for beta. I had a light positive at 7dp5dt and then it faded. It sucked no end. I just want to hug you and give you hope that it will happen, but you need some time now to recover. Much love, Fran

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  7. I’m so sorry. Been there right where you are now and unfortunately I can’t offer you any advice because it’s such a personal thing to go through, I still don’t know how I got through it but I did – barely.

    Big hugs
    xxx

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  8. You know how I feel, my heart is breaking for you and in my mind I am asking God, why? Why do this?

    There are no answers and no words. All I have is sorry, I’m so very sorry for you and Cliff.

    Here when you need me my friend. Hugs xxx

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  9. Sam…once upon a time, you gave me words of encouragement..that have really carried me through some bad times.
    I do not words appropriate for today…But I just wanted you to know my heart is with you.
    Love and protection..Bratty

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  10. I won’t say I know what you’re going through because no one but you truly knows. I will say my heart hurts for you and your loss. (((hugs)))

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  11. Dammit. I am SO sorry. I have done 3 IVF’s and I know exactly how you are feeling. It sucks. It is not fair. And I really wish is was just a bad dream.

    My thoughts are with you, please be kind to yourself, and give yourself some extra spoiling in which ever way(s) you love.

    Nicola
    x

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  12. Hey, this is the first time I’m reading your blog, so I don’t know the backstory… But, did you have a + HPT before getting this negative? Because one of my other blogger friends started with a low beta (like 13) that kept doubling and actually turned into her son. One beta doesn’t say much, so unless they know for sure it’s going down, it could be a late implantation going up. Once again, I don’t know the back story but if nothing else I want to make sure of the facts before being devastated. 😦

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  13. Like I told you on twitter, Im throwing BIG giant rocks at the universe–its just not fair…
    Youve been on my mind and heart so very much–and thats where you’ll stay, sweetie.

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  14. Having gone through this very thing a couple of weeks ago (only WITH 3 +HPTs. OUCH!) it completely fucking sucks. There are no words to describe the betrayal that I felt. Like a complete mindfuck. I’m so sorry you are going through this too. Take care and let yourself feel all the emotions.

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  15. I am so sorry. We had a chemical pregnancy last cycle as well. We too were glad that ‘something’ happened in my uterus, but so disappointed that it lasted only a few days. Knowing that you were not crazy and you were experiencing some symptoms just adds insult to injury.

    Take some time for yourself. And if you like that sort of thing, I recommend a lot of runny cheese and some red wine.
    T.

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  16. A chemical is still a pregnancy and a loss that really hurts… it is the hope that comes along with feeling “pregnant” and then the disappointment that follows…
    My friend no words can take the feelings away, but please know that I am thinking of you and hubby and I am am deeply sorry for your loss.
    Hugs
    Mandz xx

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  17. so so sorry. And I so effing hate the term “chemical”. That really was a hard word for me when I was going through my own grieving. Thinking of you both lots and lots. (((hugs)))

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  18. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Are they doing a repeat beta? I only say so because my first beta with karl was 15 and well, it was a miracle low beta but it doubled. I’m not trying to shove puppydogs and rainbows up there, but one beta without bleeding shouldn’t be enough to know for sure. But I am so very sorry for what you are going through. ~hugs~

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  19. Hi I saw your blog over at Lost and Found and wanted to stop in and offer you some support.

    I’m so sorry…it sucks so bad. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason half the time which only makes it more frustrating.

    Take care of yourself during this time and lean on those that love you. Hugs

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  20. I’m so sorry Sam. It’s a big heartache to know that there was something so nearly there then not anymore – so sorry for this incredibly hard disappointment.

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  21. I’m gutted. So so sorry to hear. I had all my hopes and prayers pinned on you. Thinking of you and your wonderful DH at this devastating time. You have inspired me to try another round of IVF. If you recall my husband and I said “Only 1 attempt!” When I told him last week you thought you had a BFP, he said perhaps we will try a 2nd attempt in the New Year.

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  22. fvk is right. i am so, so, sorry. i think chemicals are even more cruel than negatives. fuck. i wish i could say something that would make it better-but nope, there isn’t anything that can make this better. nothing.
    i am so sorry, buddy. this is jsut so effin unfair.

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  23. Pingback: 6 months « Communiqué

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