Who am I kidding?

The panty check and bog roll inspection obsession is in full force. 

Knowing that I was nearing the dreaded day of reckoning has caused me to become the girl I was so desperately trying not to become with this cycle.  The obsessive one.

Yesterday was CD 27 (or 9DP5DT), the day before I normally start bleeding.  I thought I would be fine.  But I found myself going to the loo to squeeze out two drops of urine just so I could be sure that the dreaded spot has not appeared.  Once I had wiped, I found myself wiping twice, three, four times just to be sure that I could see no sign of pink or the dreaded brown streaky cervical mucous that normally heralds the end for us. [So far so good btw] On the plus side the fact that I’m not using a progestrone pessary means that I’m NOT digging in there at all – sorry TMI I know!   But that is WAY excellent for me, I’ve not even been checking my cervical mucous for fear of upsetting anything in there.

Today is CD 28.  

The big day.  The day that I need to mentally get past.  The day that I need to emotionally get past.  Cos while I’ve been believing in this miracle, while I’ve been positive and upbeat and totally open to the fact that I could well be pregnant, I need to get past this day with.no.bleeding.

Only once I pass the point of previous no return can I completely give in to my hope and believe with my whole heart that this one, this one could be THE one. 

And I know that many girls, get all the way through the 2ww and still end up with BFN’s.  It happens all the time.  It’s just with our history, with our hopes that have been dashed each and every time by early bleeding, for us, making it past this point can only point at a good outcome.

And that is what we’re hanging onto today.

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31 thoughts on “Who am I kidding?

  1. We’re holding thumbs for you…I obviously don’t know from personal experience of the exact thoughts going through your mind, but know from my own trials and tribulations that the stress of waiting can turn anyone into an obsessive fruitbat.
    Hang in there and we’re all rooting for you to pass this milestone. And we’ll all be checking in on the hour for your updates!!

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  2. In my mind I have you wrapped up in bubble-wrap safe from anything that could hurt you today. Praying and wishing and hoping so hard for you today.

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  3. Oh good grief, I can’t imagine what you must be going through. When is the blood test, today or tomorrow? I admire your courage, I would have used at least 8 HPT’s by now. Good luck!

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  4. In Jesus Name you will not see any blood today; it will only come out after ‘9 months’. Relax & meditate on the fact that God is on your side and that’s a winning side.Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strenghten you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand”. Keep the Faith for without Faith it is impossible to please God. You are in my prayers. I’m also doing my blood test on Friday.

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  5. I know you’re against HPT’s but most clinics do the beta 10dp5dt so today and tomorrow would be a good day to POAS. Sorry, but this wait of yours is killing me.

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  6. Well… you are half way through the day & no nasty suprises so you do girl. Tomorrow I shall be sending my usual sms check & all will be just FINE! Love you plenty XXX

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  7. when is test day?? The suspense is killing!! Must be torture for you!x You are so patient and so strong! Me? Not so much!!
    Been checking in all the time for news… praying hard x

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