The panty check and bog roll inspection obsession is in full force.
Knowing that I was nearing the dreaded day of reckoning has caused me to become the girl I was so desperately trying not to become with this cycle. The obsessive one.
Yesterday was CD 27 (or 9DP5DT), the day before I normally start bleeding. I thought I would be fine. But I found myself going to the loo to squeeze out two drops of urine just so I could be sure that the dreaded spot has not appeared. Once I had wiped, I found myself wiping twice, three, four times just to be sure that I could see no sign of pink or the dreaded brown streaky cervical mucous that normally heralds the end for us. [So far so good btw] On the plus side the fact that I’m not using a progestrone pessary means that I’m NOT digging in there at all – sorry TMI I know! But that is WAY excellent for me, I’ve not even been checking my cervical mucous for fear of upsetting anything in there.
Today is CD 28.
The big day. The day that I need to mentally get past. The day that I need to emotionally get past. Cos while I’ve been believing in this miracle, while I’ve been positive and upbeat and totally open to the fact that I could well be pregnant, I need to get past this day with.no.bleeding.
Only once I pass the point of previous no return can I completely give in to my hope and believe with my whole heart that this one, this one could be THE one.
And I know that many girls, get all the way through the 2ww and still end up with BFN’s. It happens all the time. It’s just with our history, with our hopes that have been dashed each and every time by early bleeding, for us, making it past this point can only point at a good outcome.
And that is what we’re hanging onto today.