When I was a kid, I used to get so much joy out of seeing pregnant ladies and thinking “hehehe, I know what *you’ve* been doing lately….” At times it used to skeeve me out to know that this nice looking woman had been bumping uglies with her man and that they had created life together. At other times it would amaze me completely how SEX could cause this awesome miracle. But at all times in my life as a young innocent, I knew that I wanted to be that woman one day.
Now that my eyes have been opened by my own journey to a possible conception, I find that my thoughts towards pregnant woman have changed many times. In the beginning of my journey, I used to look at them and think to myself “not long now and that will be me”. Soon enough those thoughts turned to ones of extreme jealousy “oh god I wish that was me…” and I would have to turn my head away from the sight of those wonderful bellies cos I just knew that those woman could feel the waves of wanton longing that my eyes were radiating towards them.
These days when I look at a beautiful belly, I still sometimes can’t hide the wanton longing, but more often than not I wonder what it took for that woman to get that belly. I wonder if she had to struggle to be blessed. I wonder if she sat through countless FS appointments discussing options. I wonder if she had to go through countless IVF’s/miscarriages to have the priveledge to rub that belly. I wonder how many tears she’s had to shed before reaching the other side.
One things for sure my perception of how beautiful bellies are made has been changed by this journey, and I think my perceptions are better now, more gentle and less (for lack of a better word) smutty.
I don’t think I’ll ever take what it might have taken for that woman to get her belly for granted again.