So I created the whole debate on whether I should pee or not pee on those cursed pee sticks and then merrily went on my way still blissfully believing that this has worked.
On Saturday we cleaned out the back room and threw out boxes, donated items we never use and literally cleaned house. Yesterday we went for lunch at a dairy farm yesterday with some friends and their twin girls and had a lovely day. We got home and I decided that was a good time to do my daily clean out the cottage cheese crinone left overs from the vaj. So I cleaned it out. There was some brown old blood mixed in but I was not too worried cos I did bleed a bit from ER and maybe this was just old crinone that I had not reached in the last week. We watched some TV and then got ready for bed. I inserted the lovely crinone and when I pulled out the applicator – red blood! SHIT! I freaked out in the bathroom wondering how the hell I’m going to tell my husband that my body fucked up again. I told him. We hugged and sniffled. We got into bed and just held each other while we cried and just kept on saying please don’t let this be the end. Cliff just kept on saying over and over again how we need to pray and believe that we’ve still got a chance. We both believed this was IT for us, and we just had to keep on believing.
After sleeping literally 40 winks I called my Mom at 06h24 this morning in tears. She called me back later and told me that she does not believe this is over for us. She refuses to accept it . I was crying and telling her that historically blood does not bode well for me and that I’m terrified to go through this again. She told me about an experience she had at church last night where she was called out of a congregation of 5000 + people and given a word that the pain and hurt is over. She told me that the only pain she feels is the pain I go through on this journey and how she feels it for me. She prayed over me and I do believe that my God can do anything. I believe in miracles.
Due the the word my mother received and the fact that I have not had anymore bleeding today, I’m believing that just maybe I’m in the middle of a miracle. I’m standing on my faith now more than I ever have before.